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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-07-17 16:31:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Wind

Wind plays musically violin in orchestra serenading trees

Additional Notes:
My first attempt at haiku..don't laugh!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-15 11:04:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Marilyn--Great metaphors/descriptors painting a melodious picture in my mind. I like this, and for a first timer--not shabby at all-smile. By the way, I did peek in on one other haiku (can't remember the name-smile, but the 2nd line only had six syllables "Autumn last sunshine beam---this is not a review/critique-smile). Haiku is difficult and trying, but doable--yours are excellent as well as our other fellow TPLers who are brave enough to post. Of course, we don't (any of us) hold a candle to Erzahl. Keep writing and I'll keep reading (I like the easy part-smile). See you on the LINK. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Ed Wickliffe On Date: 2003-08-18 15:40:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Marilyn, Pretty good one, I'd say! Most critiques are only opinion. And most opinion's uneducated guesswork. Here's a few ideas along those same lines. --Would wind play "among reeds" (it has an oriental as well as musical connotation) better than playing musically (tough word syllabically)? Would "symphony" (rhyme/resonance) work better than orchestra? So that-- Wind plays among reeds like violin's symphony serenades the trees. That probably changes the whole sense of your poem? Never mind, then. --And some "historical" notes if you're interested. (I've studied Japanese forms a little.) Before modern haiku, there came older renga and haikai-renga forms, which contained the basic haiku and tanka forms we know today. I prefer the older forms because they're more challenging to write (they have many symbolic "rules" and they can use "linked" stanzas, for example, to tell a story, usually royal or mythical, ...or they use their links to connect philosophical ideas, like a stanza on frost connects to a stanza on dew, etc.) Linked poems like that run on to a hundred stanzas typically (or only 36 in the case of the great Basho). They were written rapidly, in hours, by two to four poets, each taking his turn to add the next stanza. Interesting, I think. Haiku only looks simple. In old Japan, one sage (I don't remember who) said an apprentice is ready to begin writing it after twenty years of practice. He was refering to more than haikus alone, but that's the idea. Anyway, I've written some linked poems in the older tradition, but without all the rules of symbol. It taught me that haiku's not rhythmic, maybe not even lyrical. It's so hyper-condensed that it gave rise to the Imagist school of poetry (through Ezra Pound and others in early 1900s). The Imagist school flourished briefly, but had a major impact on later 20th cent. Euro-Amer. poetry. In fact, it's my (educated?) "opinion" that today's obsession with clarity, metaphor, and brevity goes directly to the Imagists, and hence to the original Japanese styles. Which says what? --That we could all benefit artistically by writing more haiku (and tanka), probably. -- Or at least we should work it enough to understand what the form can and cannot do. Good luck! Ed

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