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This Poem was Submitted By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-08-03 09:47:52 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Day Time

Time tilts toward the centre Moves in sync, as if in play, Time tickles like a feather Spinning in your arms, today. Time tousles fiery tresses Watch Janie spin and soar Time tosses off guesses Who loves living more? Time reckons like Janie, Snatches and holds fast, Heals sorrow with glances, Seals moments in glass. Time gathers to laud you Moves in circles today Skates up to applaud you Day-blooming Jane Day

This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2003-09-04 13:43:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.28205
Another good example of a witty, free-flowing poem. It sparrks intellectual insight, thanks to the careful wording and effective meter. Creative and inspiring! - Brandon

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-02 14:33:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.10769
Rachel I like this poem see it written with a specific person in mind. Your first stanza captures my thought and tells me that the person you are writing about is carefree. In the second you introduce the person to us Janie who enjoys life itself. In the third you tell the person is a care giver and pictures are in frames. Finally I think this is written about someone here at TPL Jane Day. Fine job if that was your intent. By the way I do plan on getting over to Mugsby's again just haven't had the time but will soon. You mentioned that it is getting bigger (the group) how much bigger? Hope to see you soon Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-18 19:42:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.37838
Rachel, These type of days make it all worth while. Playful momments, light heart and taking it all in. Joy found without seeking it. Nice image that renews the spirit. Andrea

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-08-17 16:12:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Roni: What a terrific tribute to a friend! But it's also a highly rhythmic with kinesthetic imagery and the superb crafting I'd expect from your pen. You capture the sensations of skating, vividly - which I haven't experienced since my teen years. As "time" repeats throughout the piece, I suspect a birthday celebration is in progress here, and add my best wishes. Lovely sibilance, and teasing 't' sounds in this playful work add to the zest and sense of the celebratory essence of it. I especially love these two lines -- "Heals sorrow with glances, Seals moments in glass." Such a friend is a rare gift, and appropriately treasured. I hope that Jane is aware that her fellow poets at The Poetic Link admire her qualities as demonstrated in her poetry and critiques as well as critique replies. Time gathers to laud you Moves in circles today Skates up to applaud you Day-blooming Jane Day Outstanding tribute to someone whom I suspect adds greatly to the quality of life for all who have the privilege of knowing her, either through her poetry or more personally. Best wishes, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2003-08-14 17:51:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Nice birthday piece for Ms. Day. The use of "time" as a refrain in the first line of each stanza nicely reinforces to celebratory nature of the work quite nicely. The subtle use of end off rhyme, primarily in the odd numbered lines of each stanza was a great touch as well. I especially love the imagery and intensity of the last two lines in the second stanza. The alliteration of the "t" sound in the first two words of the first line of the first two stanzas worked well too as did the use of "l" alliteartion in the last line of the second stanza. The beat of the piece also has a skating-like feel to it that adds greatly to the overall atmosphere of this work. A laudatory piece that celebrates the situation it describes perfectly and precisely and also captures the moment nicely. Bravo as always, Oak Glen girl!!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-08-13 01:43:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Rachel, This is a wonderful dedication to a friend you cherished so much…to Ms. Jane A. Day. I have read a lot of dedication you have to Jane and I can feel the closeness and fascination you have for each other. It’s through your common talent and interests that radiates within the lines. Mark has his own adoration and dedication to Gene also, and to others that I can’t remember exactly. I find it amusing and touched by the special thoughts and honor that you share to us here in TPL. Truly, here in TPL with our common denominator the “poetry”, we understand and value each other presence and be friends in life. This is wonderful reminder for everyone. Instead to dwell in petty arguments and destructive criticism we should strengthen each other and learn to assess positively with our contributions and works. We all have missed Jane’s presence these past months and now that she is back safe from the recent surgery I believe, this is a wonderful welcome to her return. Again, I can feel the playfulness you did from the title itself “Day Time”. I find it unique and bouncy! As if Jane’s “time” has come again. “Time tilts toward the centre Moves in sync, as if in play, Time tickles like a feather Spinning in your arms, today.” --- I find the spelling of “centre” here as another indication of your playfulness and not just a typo error. “Centre” as spelled in British vocabulary, I find it as intentional. I like how you emphasized on “time”. How it encircles the message. “Time tousles fiery tresses Watch Janie spin and soar Time tosses off guesses Who loves living more?” --- Adding a question mark at the end of “Who loves living more” brings depth to your message here. I like how you visualize Jane as someone like a storm that disturbs TPL when she comes back. In “Time tosses off guesses”, speculation of her living the site is confirm that it is not true. It then supports the last line “Who loves living more?”. I believe this is not Jane’s character – that is to leave TPL. “Time reckons like Janie, Snatches and holds fast, Heals sorrow with glances, Seals moments in glass.” --- This is just wonderful! Exquisite! It is so her, so Jane! --- I observed that you follow an “ABAB” rhyming format for each stanza. In this third stanza, I just observed that “Janie” and “glances” does not rhyme much. “Time gathers to laud you Moves in circles today Skates up to applaud you Day-blooming Jane Day” --- What a heart warming words to end this wonderful dedication! The use of “skates up” is bubbly. Truly, I agree…a “Day-blooming Jane Day”. To other poets out there, beware, as if the queen has arrived! Will this concern me too? Oh well, this is just what I like in TPL, a very healthy and friendly competition. We are challenged by each other’s craftsmanship. :) Kudos on your sweet and playful work here Rachel! Yes, I believe Jane will enjoy this very much as much as I enjoyed it too! Thanks for posting this for our amusement! As always, Erzahl :)

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