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I Forgot Where I Put It I forgot where I put it, I had it right here, But I thought you might steal it, So I hid it - quite near. It is something so special... It’s one of a kind. I just can’t bear to lose it, Please, PLEASE help me find My treasure, my precious, My truth and my glory. If I lose it, I’m done for! The end of the story! A plan’s what I need, My mind needs to rest, I’ll relax for a minute, Then retrace my steps. I saw it...I had it... I moved it...and then, You called me...I hid it... Yes! That must be when I forgot where I put it, I’ll search here once more, Hallelujah! I’ve found it! Now...what was it for??? |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-09-03 04:30:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Nancy,
I like your playfulness of thought here Nancy! I like the simplicity of your words and with that it helps readers immediately understand your message. Yet, there is an intriguing formula within your lines and the element of surprise is very much established.
“I forgot where I put it,
I had it right here,
But I thought you might steal it,
So I hid it - quite near.”
--- Adding the line “you might steal it” rings a bell that it is something with great value.
“It is something so special...
It’s one of a kind.
I just can’t bear to lose it,
Please, PLEASE help me find”
--- The capitalized “PLEASE” fittingly supports your aggressive plea. The words “special” and “one of a kind” just bring readers more excited with its value. Now, it’s becoming mysterious and interesting.
“My treasure, my precious,
My truth and my glory.
If I lose it, I’m done for!
The end of the story!”
--- The additional exclamatory point at the end of the last two lines adds a rushing and thrilling sensation to the readers. “I’m done for” and “end of the story” are such strong words that continuously make readers more curious. Nice choice of words, very effective!
“A plan’s what I need,
My mind needs to rest,
I’ll relax for a minute,
Then retrace my steps.”
--- I enjoyed how you keep yourself “cool” though we all know how “panicky” your feelings are already in.
“I saw it...I had it...
I moved it...and then,
You called me...I hid it...
Yes! That must be when”
--- Hanging the message like these is an effective way to spring readers more electrifying impression.
“I forgot where I put it,
I’ll search here once more,
Hallelujah! I’ve found it!
Now...what was it for???”
--- This is quite a surprise! The sarcastic expression “Hallelujah!” adds the climax of the long search. Yet at the end line, you left reader’s emotion back to flat zero. This is like a roller coaster ride! You left our expectations dangling in the air. Quite a real surprise!
Kudos on your wittiness Nancy! I believe every one of us has been caught in this scenario, wherein we have been looking for something but when we found it we didn’t know what was it for. Anyway, I sure enjoy the ride!
As always,
Erzahl :)