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This Poem was Submitted By: Cindy D. Clayton On Date: 2003-08-05 19:20:18 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Lost

Lost. The word rests on my parched tongue. Cracked lips hold captive any utterance for help. The dryness of my flesh has become my master; my driving force being to quench it. The sun, once perceived to be beautiful, now burns my eyes as my head turns quickly away. In the silence of this desert, I am reminded of when He was my song. Now I have lost the words. He was my river, but this drought has dried my spring. My calloused feet followed their own misguided trail. I have strayed so far I am not sure how to turn back, or if anywone knows I am gone. Day in and day out, my hunger and thirst demand fulfillment. God, send your rain to fill my river. Reveal to my ears the sweetness of your song, And restore to my eyes the beauty of your Son.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-09-07 10:46:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67857
Hi Cindy, Wow, this is such a very inspiring message! After I have read your moving poem “Lost”, I have found my way back to His presence. Thanks for your wonderful reminders Cindy! I like how it speaks straight to my heart! It only shows how fragile we are as humans and how rejuvenating His love to our soul. Truly, the famous song “The joy of the Lord is my strength” applies within your lines. Aside from the unforgettable and moving message for the spirit, I also noticed your craftsmanship in your lyrics. I enjoy every metaphors you associate here, from the “parched tongue”, to “cracked lips”, to “dryness of the flesh”, to “desert”, to “river”, to “drought”, to “calloused feet”, to “misguided trail”, to “hunger and thirst”, these are all poetically written! I enjoy every image you described here! “God, send your rain to fill my river. Reveal to my ears the sweetness of your song, And restore to my eyes the beauty of your Son.” --- For me, this is the most powerful and my favorite part of the poem! You left such positive conclusion from your uncertain introductory lines. You left us with such great hope! Kudos on your fine work here Cindy! I find this skillfully written! You write with such effectiveness! Your simple and humble faith truly radiates within the lines! Thanks for posting this for our spiritual strength and at the same time for our enjoyment! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-08-24 11:05:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.08824
Wow Cindy, I think this is the first time I have critiqued a poem of yours and I must say this is so very well done. This is a beautiful plea for forgiveness and restoration. "Lost" -- this title works well and is suported nicely by your words The metaphor of the desert is a good one. You paint quite a picture of a person who is dying in the flesh. I know how this feels from experience and I must say so do you because you are very convincing with phrases about dryness of flesh, craked lips, parched tounge. Sometimes you have to fall far or sink low to be able to remember what you have lost and this is what your poems says to me. Sometimes you can be led so far before you reailize what happened. That is Satans way of winning. Then You remember the song that was in your heart. His song and how wonderfully it blessed you. Hence your beautiful plea: "God, send your rain to fill my river. Reveal to my ears the sweetness of your song, And restore to my eyes the beauty of your Son" Poet you have done a great job here. I wish even one person reads this poems and recognizes themselves in it and decides to make their own plea! That would be a wonderful thing. I think that it is the kind of poem that might inspire someone to repent. And that is the highest praise I feel I could give. As far as your form and structure goes this free style is great for the message of your poem and I would not change that at all. You've done an excellent job Cindy. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-08-16 15:40:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
Lost. The word rests on my parched tongue. Cracked lips hold captive any utterance for help. The dryness of my flesh has become my master; my driving force being to quench it. * I'd make the line above, 2 lines instead of one. Also "the word "being" sounds awkward somehow. Perhaps state it: "my driving force is to quench it". The sun, once perceived to be beautiful, now burns my eyes as my head turns quickly away. * Again, I'd make 2 lines out of this. I'd also change it to read: "I once perceived the sun as beautiful" Now, I quickly turn away, as it burns my eyes" In the silence of this desert, I am reminded of when He was my song. * Try: "In the silence of this desert, I recall when He was my song" (again, making 2 lines and shortening it up. Now I have lost the words. He was my river, but this drought has dried my spring. My calloused feet followed their own misguided trail. * Try "follow" and make it present tense, following the way you do other lines. I have strayed so far I am not sure how to turn back, or if anywone knows I am gone. * spelling of "anyone" * Again, 2 lines would work, such as: "I have strayed so far to turn back now, Does anyone realize I am gone?" Day in and day out, my hunger and thirst demand fulfillment. * you could tighten up with: "Day by day, my hunger and thirst demand fulfillment." God, send your rain to fill my river. *Maybe an exclaimation mark after this one? "God, send your rain to fill my river!" Reveal to my ears the sweetness of your song, * try an elipsis after this line "Reveal to my ears the sweetness of your song... then wind up with the last closing line as you have it: And restore to my eyes the beauty of your Son. * you could also end the last line with an exclaimation to enhance the emotional effect. Very poignant otherwise Cindy. It is a very touching figurative journey in the spiritual realm. Most of us can identify although some still don't realize the "Son" is the only way to be truly found! A strong piece with bold realizations spoken with great sensory words. Cheerz, T

This Poem was Critiqued By: George L White On Date: 2003-08-14 10:23:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Oh Cindy! I lament with you in this suffering. It is the Dark Knight of the Soul. And you have resurrected this deathly feeling. I swear to you that I had to go get a drink of water when I read this. When I read, “He was my river” I slowed to consider who he was and where this may be going. I felt it moving to the spiritual, yet are not all things spiritual. “He was my river, but this drought has dried my spring.” Stumbled a bit on “drought has dried.” Perhaps ‘ but his absence has dried my spring.”??? If it fits for you. OK, here we go. You got me now. “I have strayed so far I am not sure how to turn back, or if anywone knows I am gone.” The line makes me want to encourage you to carry on, you are not forgotten especially by the one so important to you. But then, it’s just a poem right? Perfect, you moved me. You have successfully carried the water theme throughout the piece. Thank you for sharing your heartfelt words. Blessings, George

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