This Poem was Submitted By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2003-08-14 14:55:17 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!


An Immodest Request

Show to me your hidden places Among exposed terrain. Loose your soft secluded laces That bind your last restrain. Invite my eyes to trespass where The light so seldom trails, And let my wonder wander there And offer its avails. Open to me your ministries And all that they reveal That I may know your mysteries By scent and sight and feel. Lay down our hearts where passions lie Surround me through and through,  And know at last that it is I Surrendering to you.

Copyright © August 2003 Rick Barnes


This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-05 14:49:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.16842
Smooth, well structured, excellent length, words chosen wisely, and thought communicated well. Can not find anything I would change for I even ignored the punctuation usage because of the Layout. Excellent and well done. Tom


This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-09-03 20:18:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41379
Rick, what a wonderful poem. I like the invitation to intimacy. The spiritual and emotional impact of sharing with another person. You also have chosen words that bring to mind intimacy with nature and the universe(terrain). So this poem evokes the feeling of oneness that extends beyond the bounderies of one person. Great job. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Stevie Costello On Date: 2003-09-01 17:16:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
HOLY SHIT - that was brilliant.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-08-29 19:08:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Rick: You've received so many crits, you don't need my two cents but I can't not. Your title is a major hook that catches the reader's eye and demands the poem be read. However, I don't think it does justice to your exquisite poem. Your best in terms of form: perfect rhymes and meter, no apostrophe in its!, your usual graceful touch. You write the details of lovemaking in the most tasteful ways. I think this is the # 1 for the month and would agree to its selection; it's that good. "Show to me your hidden places ....Show me all your hidden places?.... Among exposed terrain. Loose your soft secluded laces That bind your last restrain." Nice simile of the body as an uncharted map. Eight susurrant sounds...whispers to her... great allits in line 3. The language is old-fashioned which adds to its restraint and charm. "Invite my eyes to trespass where The light so seldom trails, And let my wonder wander there And offer its avails." ,....Partake of its avails?"........ Line 3 is one of the most beautiful lines I've ever read. Again, the metaphor of her body as unexplored territory...quite apposite and appealing. "Open to me your ministries And all that they reveal That I may know your mysteries By scent and sight and feel. Lay down our hearts where passions lie Surround me through and through, And know at last that it is I Surrendering to you." Ah, stunning! The last line is so lovely...music to any woman's ears. Graceful linguistics, a delicate touch to explore an intimate act. Ah, me boyo, you have a dab hand! There's nothing to say except congrats and I'm dazed with wonder at your ability, having watched it form, develop, and mature into the area of rapture. Bravo, Rick! Best, Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: C Arrownut On Date: 2003-08-27 00:30:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.42857
Not bad, Rick. You sure have collected the critiques on your work. I took this to mean the personae is making a pass at a woman. And in the last line, he lets her know that his advances in the first place meant that he was surrendering. I like the idea of both parties surrendering and the gentleness in the approach, a gentle, yet strong passion. In short, loving. Excellent poem. Now can you write one on violence and let the passion run as high? Take trying it as a dare. 1 poem credit transfer if you can and we'll let the others decide by their critiques. (I didn't see anything in the rules forbidding it, though, the bet I mean) Will you match my 1 poem credit? Send answer to letswrite12000@yahoo.com. I'd really like to see if you're a writer for all seasons.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-08-23 09:59:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.84000
A love poem, delightful, seductive feeling yet much deeper than that of a typical man and woman. The hint word, "ministries". THe consummation of Christ and His Bride the Church. The poem is lyrical, lover-ly. The overwhelming sense of love and depth in the union comes out in this poem...the giving of One to the Other. Thanks for posting and sharing this wonderful piece.(peace).
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-08-22 09:10:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.01786
For in the darkness I feel your touch, soft, gentle, caring as you always are, the lace that holds me together please remove as you go.......my love for you runs deep within what lies before you so please enjoy the taste, smell and sight as you find comfort within my soul......Rick the poem you have written and placed before us to find such beauty in fills my own heart with joy........the structure is wonderful as your words burst forth with such images of ectasy and not in such a physical sense but in a joining of two souls together as they are meant to be.....I know this critique is way off for me but this is what I felt as I read your lines and to be honest I wanted more........thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions as you have in this one....it is on my list of most favorite for this month. Take care, be safe.....good title too .... and God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie Spicer On Date: 2003-08-21 01:30:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Rick, You are so talented and amazing with your poetry, as with your life. I know how well liked you and your poetry are and one only has to read it to know the depth of your soul. Oh, to see the concealed places while displaying that one wants to reveal. What a beautiful way to want to know someone from the inside out, as well as the outside in. All of us have hidden territories and to reveal these is almost the epitome of self. As well, the rhythm is excellent, not labored or forced, but flowing. You ask for something and yet you want to give. (At least this is what I feel by reading your words.) The places don’t have to be that of the physical, but a new opportunity to see the special places of the heart. While pondering there, you will find new truths and revelations of this one. We can always “wonder”, but to actually wander to places not revealed often, would be and is a divine manifestation. Again, your rhythm continues to flow as the warm waters of fall. In your quest and while you ask, you are actually ready to bestow and I feel it deep within. Each of us have our enigmas and they are not easily released to just anyone. And to close this beautiful, inspiring, and enticing poem, you take the ultimate with the quest of asking for both hearts to be side by side where desire lays, and for the ultimate gift, in that of you. Rick, another extraordinary poem, which gives me chills from head to toe. You are truly a remarkable person and poet. I hope all is well with you and hope you know how inspiring your poetry and friendship are. My best, Debbie
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-08-21 01:25:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69231
Hi Rick, Enticingly beautiful! “An Immodest Request” --- Great title, simple but striking! There is an alluring personality in this title. Works for me appropriately! “Show to me your hidden places Among exposed terrain. Loose your soft secluded laces That bind your last restrain.” --- The oxymoronic appeal between “hidden place” and “exposed terrain”, “loose laces” and “that bind restrain” are intelligently obvious and unforgettable. Creative! “Invite my eyes to trespass where The light so seldom trails, And let my wonder wander there And offer its avails. “ --- Wow, the more you offer your words, the more I get excited! The beauty of nature radiates in every poetic and lyrical arrangement you fashion. I personally enjoy the contagious “wonder wander”. It tingles my tongue. :) --- I know how hard to do a perfect rhyming (A-B-A-B) and metered (8-6-8-6) poem yet you’ve done it with ease. It flows within your hand naturally, not like the others that are noticeably trying hard. Bravo with this! “Open to me your ministries And all that they reveal That I may know your mysteries By scent and sight and feel.” --- I don’t know why, but the word “ministries” works perfectly with me, especially when it rhymed with “mysteries”. This rarely used word was rightly maximized plus it suits well with “reveal”. I like the enumeration “by scent, and sight and feel”. You just complete the sensation! “Lay down our hearts where passions lie Surround me through and through, And know at last that it is I Surrendering to you.” --- Ah…the most remarkable part of the poem! I sensed that you have prepared these words/stanza already before starting your introductory and first few stanzas. Yet, it works delightfully with me. This is such a wonderful offering of heart to someone special. Yes, I can feel the whole heartedly submission. Superlative! Kudos! This is what I like about your work Rick, truthfully and sincerely reflect you! Without hesitation, without hindrance, without second thoughts…I can feel that you have poured your very heart in this fine piece. I also find this very skillfully written. Very much ready for another round of winning! As of this moment, I already congratulate you! As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-18 12:51:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.46875
Rick, Very sultry. Simple but visual glace at moment we all have shared at some point in time. Viva la difference. Andrea
This Poem was Critiqued By: Terrye Godown On Date: 2003-08-16 20:40:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.20000
It's not really that immodest Rick.. actually, immodest probably better defines the motivation behind the request, instead! Nope, I'd call it subtle indiscretion... a touch of naughty romance uttered in a politically correct fashion... several modest steps before becoming the X rated.. which of course is then ovedrshadowed by the triple X rated... I could go on. Ok, it could be immodest to the upity and prudish though! This one's a 10 Rick. Especially the closing line. I can't think of anything you'd need to do to improve this one. It's one of those "meant to happen" pieces. Bet it just came to ya one day.. Truly, I'm not just bein a lazy critiquer, heck I don't hold back if I see even a hair of a poetic blooper, but nope, this one's there. Rhyme scheme, timing, aesthetics. Nuttin wrong.. zilch. A perfect 10 in my opinion Rick! Cheerz, T
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-08-15 22:26:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Dear Rick: Often great spiritual poetry comes in the guise of passionate love poetry, i.e. Rumi et al. I feel that this one can be read on several levels - but it appeals most to me on the level of a love poem as received from the divine Other (via Rick). The idea of a mutual surrendering, soul to soul, spirit to spirit, is one which brings ecstasy that no merely physical union can do, except in a temporary sense. This poem also has the unmistakeable "Rick Barnes" signature - the crafting, the sense that this comes from within, from someone who has learned to 'listen to the silence' as my mentor would say. Show to me your hidden places Among exposed terrain. Loose your soft secluded laces That bind your last restrain. I love the word "restrain" instead of the expected "restraint" here. Invite my eyes to trespass where The light so seldom trails, And let my wonder wander there -- Wonderful! And offer its avails. Open to me your ministries And all that they reveal That I may know your mysteries By scent and sight and feel. This is clearly sensual and gently erotic. It invites the lover to a type of interchange that is seldom achieved in modern life. "ministries" and "mysteries" are often left behind in haste. This seems to speak of a type of physical exchange which is body AND soul. Lay down our hearts where passions lie Surround me through and through, And know at last that it is I Surrendering to you. Lovely in every way possible. The union with another is the closest we approach, you show us here, to that blending of essence which each separate individual longs for - what is sought in mystical and mood-altering experiences as well as sexual ones - the union with the Other which becomes a more conscious Self. I don't need to analyze more - for I think you have said it much better than I ever can. Thank you for this glorious vision of what "surrendering" can be. All my best, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-08-15 11:08:41
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
As tender as a prayer and yet so much of this world that it seems to guide us to a loving admiration of a person, this poem sings. An Immodest Request (clever play on words with the Swift title} Show [me to] your hidden places [Along] exposed terrain. Loose [the] soft secluded laces That bind your last *restraint - the near rhyme works too and does not make one pause to consider the the grammar. Invite my eyes to trespass where The light so seldom trails, And let my wonder wander [interesting phrase] there And offer its avails. Open to me your ministries And all that they reveal That I may know your mysteries By scent and sight and feel. nice rhyme ministries/mysteries Lay down our hearts where passions lie Surround me through and through, And know at last that it is I Surrendering to you. Fine ending which is both poignant and real
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2003-08-14 22:07:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I really enjoyed the flow and feel of this seductive piece. Your use of "S" sounds adds to the sexy and soft feel of the poem "Loose your soft secluded laces That bind your last restrain." wonderful line! and the soft sounds continue thoughout. Your last line where you state "your" surrender is superb! (couldn't help myself! lol) This was very erotic and tastefully done, and a joy to read.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-08-14 20:54:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Gee Rick this is a HOT poem, enjoyable to share in, the emotional level of the itent is supreme. Your format is great, it reads like a gem, and flows wonderfully from line to line, the quatraine format you use is excellent. It is the smoothness of the read, and the wonderful rhyming you achieve with your projection. I love it, yet there is a certain heartfelt yearning, whe of mysetery of wishes. What a grand sensation you create with your choice of projection, and linguist skill. Lovely, simply lovely, and to me it read all the reuirement of poetry, and your use of quatrains, with brevity of meaning contained in your dialogue is wonderful. Congratulation on a wonderful write, it surely has to be enjoyed by everyone who reads it. My Best wishes always, there's a certain positive effect in your words, that's beyond my limited capabi;ities. Boy did I enjoy this reads. Always Jo Morgan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dellena Rovito On Date: 2003-08-14 19:50:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Rick, Rick, Rick, You leave me breathless. So wonderful so intimate so sexually holy. I believe all things are sexual. And all things are holy. life is holy. By denying sexuality, we deny God/life.'I'm amazed at your 'depth' you're 'right on'. warmness to you, dellena
This Poem was Critiqued By: Kenneth R. Patton On Date: 2003-08-14 15:44:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.75000
Nice, nice, nice! You nailed it, it is we men who ultimately do the surrendering, awed by women's beauty. The title lends itself to the Victorian feel that is beautifully carried by the flowery passionate phrases. I have to admit I'm a bit envious of your ability to let go like this. You've walked a difficult narrow line without going over into sappiness. A pleasure to read. Thanks.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2003-08-14 15:41:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.75000
I like this one a lot, Rick! Very sentimental with a unique message. The gentle flow of the rhyme has a nice impact, and your word choices were really good. One of my favorites so far- outstanding. - Brandon
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-08-14 15:09:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.66667
Hi Rick, This is such a beautiful and sensual poem that I had to read more than once. Not only the words define this piece but also the rhyme and rhythm which are more than delicious. It is obviously spoken to a intoxicating female and could even be lewd if it were not so expertly written...."Show to me your hidden places"...this first line hooked me immediately!..."loose your soft secluded laces"...wonderful... ...."invite my eyes to trespass where light so seldom trails"...now that you undressed her in the first stanza this line is fitting!..."that I may know your mystries by scent and sight and feel"...some might say this line could do without the 'ands' but it could not..they keep the rhythm going from one word and one line to the next. the last stanza is very seductive..."and know at last that it is I surrending to you." This poem is lovely in it's simplicity...I love it. This is the 3rd poem I have critiqued this month that has been sensual and or sexy... must be something in the water (ha ha) Good job it has my vote. Peace...Marilyn
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!