This Poem was Submitted By: Susan J. Certo On Date: 2003-08-17 10:28:58 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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My Hero and Star Please stay with me
On this road I walk
I miss you so much,
Do you have time to talk?
I know you are busy
With plans of your own
We're no longer teenagers
How the years have flown
But time doesn't change
The things that are true
Like the place in my heart
Reserved just for you
And how good it feels
As the years roll along
Because someone like you
Believed in my song
The song in my heart
Made of hopes and of dreams
You were always there
When they came true it seems
And how can I ever thank you enough
For the light that you've been
When life was so tough?
And many's the spear
You've removed from my heart
While drying my tears
With the love you'd impart
A Prince among men
Is what you are
And my love for you
Will be told near and far
A romantic tale
Which time cannot marr
Forever and always
My hero and star |
|
Copyright © August 2003 Susan J. Certo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-09-07 15:36:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25641
There's always something special about a love poem.This rhymed and metered poem tells a story of love with good flow throughout. There is a typo, "marr for mar" (if my sprlling is correct). I particularly liked the way the poet establishes the length of the relationship, "we're no longer teenagers" and lets the reader know this is a mature relationship.
"I miss you so much,
Do you have time to talk?"
This is the point which makes the reader wonder what has happened to the relationship. The poet goes on to say how much she loves the subject of the poem, but one continues to wonder why the separation. I just like this poem. The voice rings true. Times today separate us by "busy-ness" until we lose track of what is important and why we are together to begin with.
I have no suggestions for change except to fix the typo,
Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-08-28 10:08:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.95349
What I like best about this piece is you have given
Me raw poetry. What I mean is thoughts that are
Hidden within. My favorite portions include the
Following stanza’s:
‘Please stay with me’ this brings the reader into the
theme.
‘Reserving your heart’ this tells of your need.
The ending is great because you show the depth
Of your love.
Now for the areas this reader has difficulty with.
The flow maybe stanza’s would assist at least this
Reader. These are the lines that actual caused me
To much pause:
‘How the years have flown’
‘How can I ever thank you enough’
Still a poem well done for this reader. Thanks for sharing. Tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2003-08-18 15:48:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.29630
The perpetual flow of this "well-syllabelled" poem is perfect. It speaks emotionally with a
strong message and is constructed well over-all. The two main requirements for a good poem.
It is obviously an ode to a great friend that stayed true over long periods of time. Great
job.
- Brandon
This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-17 21:33:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.77778
Susan,
This is such a nice tribute to a long ago special place in time. I think of it as a fireside read with a glass of merlot and opening a DVD to my own mind. Thank you for sharing some star gazing in time overcast skies.
Andrea
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-08-17 17:10:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.05263
Hi Susan!. Welcome to the forum. IT's always nice to see new faces.
This poem of yours speaks of love and freindship in a nostalgic sort of way.
Nothing is more dear to the heart than one of loves first flames, and you have captured
that feeling here so nicely.
This is such a great stanza:
"And many's the spear
You've removed from my heart
While drying my tears
With the love you'd impart"
very beautifully stated. I love that.
Something I would advise is to devide this lovely ode to your hero up into 4 line stanzas.
It will be much easier on the eyes to read, and will flow nicely.
I realize the 6th stanza would only have 3 lines but you could split it like this:
"And how can I ever
thank you enough
For the light that you've been
When life was so tough?"
or try comming up with a little something to go with it. I don't think it would be hard to
make this poem shine with very little more polishing, as you have done some really excellent
work here.
I am looking forward to reading more of your jewels.
Thanks for sharing,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-08-17 17:03:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.04651
Poet what a tale you weave with the flare of your pen and you left me wanting just a bit more....perhaps you have something further coming along......certainly hope so......nice structure, great word flow, super rhyme as well.....images along the read there were more then a few and your way of bringing forth each phase of this journey was just right as well.....I for one have no suggestions for it stands ever so well on its own though I do thank you for posting and sharing this with us......My hero and star.......nice title as well.....be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-08-17 12:46:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.87500
Dear Susan,
Welcome to TPL. This poem is a lovely and simple ode to love. It is
written with an abundance of emotion and love. At first I thought you
may have been speaking of your father but as the poem progressed I could
see the love was for a husband or perhaps a boy friend..."we are no
longer teenagers." The rhyming scheme you have used here moves the
words right along and is pleasant to the ear. You might want to seperate
the stanzas just for the sake of the flow but it reads well as is.
..."And manys the spear you removed from my heart"..good line showing the
support you have gotten from this man. The endng...."forever and always
my hero and star"..depicts the loyalty you feel for this man and a love
that will endure no matter what hardships you have faced together or are
yet to face. Good job...I will be looking forward to reading more of
your work.
Blessings...Marilyn
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