This Poem was Submitted By: George L White On Date: 2003-08-26 10:21:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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PEACE AND SO MUCH MORE

What do you mean you are so lonely and alone? Do you not see the busload of people in your head? The girl that sits in front, her paten leather shoes, Stomping now and then, in case you didn’t notice, Her crossed and rigid arms, below her frowned down face. What do you mean you can’t stop talking in your head? Do you not hear the sound of flowing river bends? The music bubbles make, while clinging to the stones, Bobbing up and down, rocking as they go, Popping now and then, in syncopated time. What do you mean I’m far from peace and joy? How do you count your days, the way you’ve always done, Remembering the passed, as if it were in stone, Creating now from then, a girl without a choice, Back against the wall? Your cell is all your own. What would it mean to live outside an aching head? And how would you survive no frantic pace inside? You ever lost your way, while driving down a road, Or gazed in someone’s eyes, until they were no more, Or read a book and found, your mind completely still? And this is what I mean. If silent long enough, You’ll hear the angles sing, The kinds of things they bring, A friend who’s always there, The song a river sings, The waking of the grass, the waves along the shore, The fading of the passed, then peace, and so much more.

Copyright © August 2003 George L White


This Poem was Critiqued By: Brandon Gene Petit On Date: 2003-09-04 15:03:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.28205
Peace does not come easy to busy and cluttered mind ; I connect with the character in this poem as one who "lives inside his head." The narrator, I presume to be one of the character's inner "voices", persuades the character to clear his mind and listen to the world around him ...... notably the peace of nature. He is usually preoccupied with his thoughts and worries, oblivious to the living world and its characters. The reference to the babbling brook and its bubble "clinging to stones" is a nice description, as there are quite a few in this poem. Good work; intriguing! - Brandon


This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-09-01 12:59:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26087
Wow, George, this poem makes my mind race with possibilites just reading it. You say alot here about all the things that most of us just take for granted. I can tell you are a reflecting kind of person. The truth is sometimes life does make your head ache, but it does so much more than that and to me thats what you are saying here. We all need to stop and listen to the earths music, the music of life. And we all will someday and we will have peace and so much more. These pleasing five lined stanzas are filled with visually pleasing words and phrases. This first stanza makes me think of my conscience. I love the part about her "patent leather shoes". The description of her brought a chuckle from me. (I think paten is a typo) "What do you mean you are so lonely and alone? Do you not see the busload of people in your head? The girl that sits in front, her paten leather shoes, Stomping now and then, in case you didn’t notice, Her crossed and rigid arms, below her frowned down face." The thought of bubbles making music is so pleasant! And I can hear it in my head. More pleasing description: "What do you mean you can’t stop talking in your head? Do you not hear the sound of flowing river bends? The music bubbles make, while clinging to the stones, Bobbing up and down, rocking as they go, Popping now and then, in syncopated time." Sometimes we can get so caught up in a mindset like stanza three. Thats what earthly thoughts just do to us. Isn't it? I like the line: "Remembering the passed, as if it were in stone,". Perfect reflection of what we do. Stanza four is the beginning of a profound statement that ends in the fifth stanza. You wield some powerfull thoughts here and I really enjoy this poem alot. I take your meaning and sit quiet in thought about the point you are making. I think you have given us so much to think about I am really glad you used punctuation to make us pause and ponder these words. In this case it works well to emphasize your message. Thanks for the read. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-08-31 09:39:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.24242
Hi George, I like this. The poem is metered and rhymed, the imagery is very clear. The message of the poem is well presented, the flow is good throughout. Strictly speaking, the first line in the third stanza is one foot short of meter, but overall the meter is generally consistant. I particularly like the messege of this poem, and the use of nature to point out a psychological truth, for it is in the description of nature that this poem comes to life. I do have a question about the use of "passed". It is used both as passed (as in on?)and as in "past". It was done this way too many times to think it was a typo, so I'm nosy as to why. This does give the reader a sense of things unspoken. Interesting choice! Rene Fraley
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-08-28 09:28:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.92857
George I really am impressed in how you bring this one together. You give me a taste in each stanza of the avenues of life, and then complete it with the last stanza combining all that you have shown me in the first four stanza's. You maintained a firm structure throughout this piece as you display by your questions in the first lines of your four stanza's followed by the fifth 'this is what I mean'. Excellent. This makes me pause and reflect upon my own life and find content. Well done. Thanks for sharing. Tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2003-08-26 15:25:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Nicely worded, but rough around the edges. What do you mean you are so lonely and alone? Do you not see the busload of people in your head?........lovely, lovely, sounds like something a psychotic thinks! The girl that sits in front, her paten leather shoes,.....sp. patent Stomping now and then, in case you didn’t notice, Her crossed and rigid arms, below her frowned down face....take out the comma in this sentence What do you mean you can’t stop talking in your head? Do you not hear the sound of flowing river bends?........good line here The music bubbles make, while clinging to the stones,....I think you should not start a new sentence here...and that goes for a lot of your carry on sentences. I hope you know what I mean. Bobbing up and down, rocking as they go, Popping now and then, in syncopated time. What do you mean I’m far from peace and joy? How do you count your days, the way you’ve always done, Remembering the passed, as if it were in stone,............sp. past Creating now from then, a girl without a choice, Back against the wall? Your cell is all your own. And this is what I mean. If silent long enough, You’ll hear the angles sing, The kinds of things they bring, A friend who’s always there, The song a river sings, The waking of the grass, the waves along the shore, The fading of the passed, then peace, and so much more. Buddha's way is to be still, and silent. You have certainly captured the essence of of being still in a busy world...something which the hordes do not know. I like this piece, but as I said ... the structure and the English need to be revised and you'd have a wonderful piece of your philosophy here. Thanks so much for posting.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-08-26 14:45:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.15385
To feel the breath of God as He kissed one's cheek as you laid dying in His loving arms....you talk about peace, love and joy, it was all there.......love the structure of this piece and the words in how they flow like a river gathering as it goes.....the images projected from the flare of your pen stand out within each stanza.......and in the ending, the ever present peace of God which is brought forth by His angels......a never ending present of glory.....you present much food for thought as well my friend .....I am certain many will benefit from the read of this one alone....thank you for posting and sharing this with us and in my opening line I did feel the breath of God as I laid dying in His loving arms.......and that is a story I love to share with anyone who wants to hear.......be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-26 13:24:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.40625
George, I do not count syllables in my head, perhaps it my own busload in the way. The only flow I rejoice in is the river you described to the point of smelling it and seeing the foam. I am curious about your use of the word “passed”. Remembering what has been accepted and holding it close is quite a twist on the thinking process. Are you saying we tend to behave in an acceptable manner to survive rather than go outside the box? I am still pondering this. I’ve been in the book and enjoyed the stillness. This is a comfortable line to me. Is did implied with the “You ever” line? I mentally put it there to reread it. I worked better for me. I do not pretend to be a “technician” of poetry. I am a reader and emotional responder. I can relate to what is being stated. I am craving the silence you speak of and would like to hear and see the things you tell us that are really there. I gather the narrator is speaking to himself. I may be wrong, but it spoke to me as well. A nice share. Andrea
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