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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2003-08-27 13:40:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Each Morning I Begin Again

“Each morning sees some task begin, Each evening sees it close; Something attempted, something done, Has earned a night’s repose.” ---HW Longfellow Awakening from sleep I sip steamed coffee’s hint of bitter, listening for morning’s gist, search dreams’ meaning from night’s realm. My streaming shower stings; minutes in its vital gush affirm I’m still alive. Daybreak spouts like joyous water-- spirited and clean.

Additional Notes:
In answer to Sandra's challenge to decrease by half the number of words in an 'old poem'; formerly, "What A Morning Shower Brings."

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-09-05 15:58:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.17708
I know I have already read this one and felt that I have already made comments. While here it goes again. Nice to see what brought the thought on by showing us something from Longfellow it helps lead into the poem. Your whole poem gives me the feeling of awaking and getting ready for the day. The brew, steaming shower, are all wakeup words to this reader. Spirited and clean give me the sense of a fresh start. I like the length and the thought you present. Well done. Tom This is my last poem for the month did all that were available to me; now it is time for my wakeup call for next month...lol(lots of laughing).

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-09-04 08:34:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.15476
Good morning my friend....thought I already critiqued this one .......a challenge from Sandra....I'm not even writing these days let alone answering a challenge.....wish my brain would allow me to recall your original poem but it has not and I can honestly tell you that I do like this one.....structured well, words that bring forth images and morning coffee smells....the sting of the shower....how refreshing after a nights sleep. Daybreak spouts like joyous water-- spirited and clean. nice closing stanza referencing daybreak ....joyous water spirited and clean.......for most part it certainly is.....and to me there is nothing more refreshing then a bubbling brook with its cool refreshing water to brighten even the weariest of souls......thank you for responding to her challenge and I am off to find your original work......I so enjoy all of your work my friend and this one is no exception. Be safe, and may God continue to bless you....Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-09-02 15:17:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45833
Joanne, my challange did not work as well for you as it has for some of the others.Perhaps because when you write you choose your words so carefully there are not that many extras. This poem needs to be filled back out a little so the flow and meaning are a little clearer-like in the original. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-08-31 14:00:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.92308
I remember the original Joanne, you've managed ever so nice to maintain the full meaning of your intentent, carry over all the sensations, and with brevity create a complete poem once again, in a way this shortened version I've really enjoyed, for as you know I write everything in poetry with brevity and complete meaning ( (I hope), and you've managed very nicely in this challenge poem to do that in excellent manner...Love Ya, Jo

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-08-30 15:47:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90000
Joanne: I never saw the original and you indicated on the forum that you were universally told your first version was superior. This poem greatly appeals to me albeit I don't much care for the Longfellow quote. I'm not a fan of his and also believe your poem needs no explication nor embellishment. "Awakening from sleep, I sip steamed coffee's hint of bitter, listening for morning's gist, search dreams' meaning from night's realm." Nine susurrant sounds make me feel this is a morning prayer: matins with lauds, the first canonical hour. "Hint of bitter" is magical phrasing and awakening/listening/morning/meaning give a touch of immediacy and euphonic sound. The assonance in listening/gist, the sounds in sleep/sip and for/ morning, the ER of bitter/search, the long E in sleep/steamed/coffee/dreams/meaning. This is a sound-person's mystical magic. "My streaming shower stings; minutes in its vital gush affirm I'm still alive. Daybreak spouts like joyous water-- spirited and clean." Eleven susurrants limn the flow of the water. The allits: streaming shower stings add a delightful touch in line 1 of tercet 3. The use of "stings" is apposite and I've never read it before so it is also unique and crisp for this reader. (Showers DO sting). Only with the actual sting of the shower do you concede you're still among the living and this implies that even with the sip of bitter, you are still in the dream realm. "Vital gush" is likewise a fresh descriptor and that's how it feels in the mornings. Your end tercet is as joyous as your joyous water. Your simile is spot on and original: daybreak spouts, continuing the water theme from S3. "Spirited and clean" imply that each day is a new one, sins and spots of detritus washed away, as you "begin again". This takes us back to the title. This poem speaks strongly to my soul, probably because of my current situation. This optimistic import that every day is a new one, it's never too late or like the AA slogan, "One day at a time"... elevates my spirits and brings hope to my heart. For me, this is a poem simply and cleanly delivered with a message of renewal. I cannot imagine a better version of this masterful poem which has made a crater-sized impact on my being. Brava! Best, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-08-27 22:50:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.17073
Joanne,I lost my critique as soon as I was done so I'll start over. Have you ever done that? First, I like the name you have chosen for this piece. It reminds us of the importance of our morning ritual in our lives. I know if I run out of creamer and forget to get more, it interferes extensively in the enjoyment of my coffee! In fact once I tried to give up caffeine and I went to work with 2 different white tennis shoes on and didn't notice till lunchtime, when I looked down at my feet and I just burst out laughing. After that I knew I could never give up my coffee. I borrowed your idea for this critique and made a copy of "What A Morning Shower Brings", but I kind of wish I hadn't because the original is just so fantastic. Looking at the original I don't see how you could improve on this poem by taking away words since its wording is extraordinary. But here goes: You have wasted no words here. Every word here is vital to the piece. There is a repeating of alliteration of "s" all the way through that gives it a nice feel when read aloud. In the first stanza I can actually smell the waves of coffee aroma as I read. Removing the word satisfying doesn't make it any less gratifying or take away from the alliteration like you might think it would. You really tightened up the 2nd stanza and it flows nicely. I don't know why, but I keep thinking affirm in s3 needs an "s" for "shower affirms", even though I know it should be "minutes affirm". That ending brings to mind a celebration of sunrise in a fountain/shower! It's quite lovely. All in all I'd say that you have written two completely different poems here. The original has a little more imagry and pleasing wording like "satisfying sleep", "delicious mysteries", "imaginations misted realms", "stinging shower streams". The revision is more succinct. You have added a nice touch with the quote from Longfellow. This was a fun exercise, wasn't it? Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2003-08-27 20:02:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.40625
Joanne, I had to go back and read the first post as haven't read it yet. By comparison, the first is better. The coffee taste richer and the shower is much more refreshing. It is amazing what power a few more words have. The new one could stand alone as badda ding, badda dang, but the older one has the BADDA BOOM. This proved to be a fun and productive challenge. Hey, pick that wet towel up off the floor. Andrea

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2003-08-27 17:55:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Joanne, Man O Man am I glad you wrote this response to Sandra's challenge. It is so-o-o-o fitting. I don't well with requests. Your spirit rises to the occasion. And while I would be the first to espouse that most poetry would be improved by a "less is more" policy on behalf of the poet yours does not. This NOT due to your editing abilities. It speaks instead to the expertise of your wiritng skills. Quite simply there are some things that do not benefit from reduction. To wit: Sensations of awakening from satisfying sleep to sip creamed coffee, steamed with hint of bitter, to listen for morning’s gist, searching day’s delicious mysteries for time in which to dream imagination’s misted realms. OR Awakening from sleep I sip steamed coffee’s hint of bitter, listening for morning’s gist, search dreams’ meaning from night’s realm. NO COMPARISON IN MY humble OPINION!!! The original is so...well...poetic. The revision reads like the cliff notes. The challenge Sandra has offered has at least one bebefit, it shows what a master you are in your ability to write poetry that sings. To paraphrase Amadeus, "...not one note too many, nor one note too few." Rick

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-08-27 16:47:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.03704
Hi Joanne, I am in Texas as we speak helping my grand daughter with her new baby. I checked the link and saw this piece and am compelled to comment. Of course I never read the orginial version but this one is just lovely and so describes many of my mornings...."sip coffee's hint of bitter"....my morning coffee is what I must have to begin my day. When I was raising a family I always tried to get up before the rest so I could sip my coffee alone and in peace before the "thundering herd" assailed me!..."search dream's meaning from the nights realm"....I am sure thousands of people do this...most of us search for the meaning but usually it escapes us. Guess we could believe Freud and think they are all sexual...."My stinging shower stings..(love this)...minutes in it's vital gush affirm I am still alive."..even with the coffee we still need that invigorating shower to make sure our hearts are truely beating...."Daybreak spouts like spirited water- spirited and clean."...This whole piece hits home with me and I am so glad you posted it otherwise I would have never had the opportunity to have my morning ritual put into words. Thanks Joanne...Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-08-27 15:42:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I like this sparcity...the words are like little sips themselves, cause us to pause and savor. Wonderful....I sip steamed coffee's hint of bitter, listening question...how would "I sip hot coffee's hint of bitter" work with repetition of "h" just a thougtht as I would like to suggest "steaming" shower stings. because I like the "st" repeat better than the str/st. and you would not use steaming twice. Do you need the "still" before alive? or maybe "here" alive. I guess I feel still is a bit overused and I confess I have used it a little overmuch myself. "Daybreak spouts"....like this, imagining a fountain laughing with water from the mouth of a fish sculpture. Enjoyed this poem immensely.

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