This Poem was Submitted By: carole j mennie On Date: 2003-09-26 10:50:59 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Nativity

At 25 degrees Fahrenheit, urine freezes  on a park bench. Feces becomes cloaked slush,  before glittering holiday windows, the Coca Cola Claus, and Rudolph's nose blinking on, and off. Filthy bundles of clothes, emaciated stick figures,  remain hidden in cardboard caves, their blued fingers fisted against the cold. Clouds of stinking breath frost rotted teeth. Who am I to redeem this sorry crèche? All the sheep have been slaughtered. In eight days, the monkey comes.

Copyright © September 2003 carole j mennie

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas H. Smihula On Date: 2003-10-07 22:24:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45098
What impact you have given this reader. You have shown the plight of the homeless so well during the holiday season. You have made this reader think about what they take for granted not knowing that there is something better out there for them. The presentation of this poem was simply great. A job well done and a great poem. Thanks for sharing no suggestions here. Tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-10-01 08:32:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45455
Interesting read poet.....to me this represents the homeless people everywhere.......not just here or in poor countries but all over.....of course we must leave out the warmer countries for urine might not freeze there on park benches.....with your word flow one can actually stand where you have placed them....within the lines of park benches, Rudolph and his blinking off and on nose, cardboard houses, etc. Who am I to redeem this sorry creche? Good question and much food for thought here but I do believe we all know the answer to this one.....thanks for posting, be safe and God Bless, Claire Good luck in the contest as well for this one should make the list.....
This Poem was Critiqued By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-09-30 22:34:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.45833
The imagery is stark, dark. Purposefully, honed that way to draw our attention to homelessness, its ugliness even in the "beauty" of a holiday season. I'm not sure of the meaning of the last lines esp the reference to "In eight days, the monkey comes". But who are "we" to redeem the situation folks find themselves in...living in the streets, what is there that can make a difference? This poem disturbs us in our comfort zones. well-written. thanks for the courage to post.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-09-29 13:18:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Splendid. The obscurity is very interesting. I love the choice of subject matter. The symbolistic visualization is a refreshing taste of morbidity. Excellent cadence and rythum scheme. Making reference to the cosumeristic values we as a society put upon our spiritual beliefs adds a realistic view of this piece. Not quite sure about the monkey though? Thanks Dan
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-09-27 15:36:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.46154
Dear Carole, This is an amazing poem and one that gives me a shiver up and down my spine. The descriptive words are so chilling amd give this reader the complete horror of the homeless "...urine freezes on a park bench." I worked at hospital for many years and saw hordes of homeless people come into the E.R. (especially in winter) faking illness or suicide just to get a warm place to sleep and some food...."feces becomes cloaked slush" these words are so descriptive that they are repulsive...."Coca Cola Claus" love this..."....emaciated stick figures....cardboard caves.. ....clouds of stinking breath and frost rotted teeth." These words are simply gut wrenching to those of us who have never know such depravity especially when it is going on in our country right under our noses...."sorry creche" wonderful words for this piece. The last two lines I must confess have stumped me and I am not sure of the exact intent...please enlighten me. This is a great piece of writing on a horrific subject...thanks for jolting me into reality. Blessings...Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-09-27 10:47:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80952
Hi Carole, I am excited to at this moment seeing that your piece on top of my critiquing list. Excited because once again I can give input to your wonderful poetic craft! I remember way back in 2001 I think I was able to critique some of your poems. And it's been quite sometime since my last participation in the link. Only this month that I again able to participate in the link. Actually, it was after my graduation in college where I became busy with my career. Anyways... Oh, this is both intriguing and poignant piece! Intriguing in the sense that there are new concepts you introduced here associating Nativity. Also, poignant because the Nativity is in the perspective of derelict or destitute situation that I can relate since I am but a "poor"! SMILE! The title itself gives the reader in the first thought that it is about Christ's Nativity especially that December is fast approaching. But as reading the piece, it's a different story that tells about the perspective of shall I say the "outcast" or low level of community. And I can relate this very much because in our country (outside US), this scenario is prevalent. Indeed our country is a third world country. Anyway, the opening of the piece is more than intriguing: At 25 degrees Fahrenheit, urine freezes on a park bench. I like the association of Fahrenheit as it suggests originality. Oh, 25 degrees Fahrenheit is below the freezing point of water which is 32° Fahrenheit! Urine freezes in the park bench is really an unusual scenarion which connotes "poverty" situation. It is contrasting to the idea since Nativity usually connotes happiness and joy! Really intriguing! In the second stanza, the association of feces that becomes cloaked slush even added the state of being indigent. As I have said, I could relate and point out some places that have the same scenario as this one. But I don't what setting in the US that you derived this. The association of Coca Cola Claus and Rudolph nose is interesting! It brings me to the realm of Christmas before glittering holiday windows. It seems to give and imagery like being presented in a commercial. And also, it adds the concept of originality. A little comment here: Rudolph's nose blinking on, and off. -I am wondering if the comma is intended here. I think there is a need to omit it! And the most poignant scenario is depicted in the third stanza: Filthy bundles of clothes, emaciated stick figures, remain hidden in cardboard caves, [The alliteratiion created with the 'c' sound in "cardboard caves" seems to lessen the gravity of poignancy. ANd this is a good point! Also the involvement of the spirant of fricative 'f' does the same effect. their blued fingers fisted -the imagery here is very moving! against the cold. Clouds of stinking breath frost rotted teeth. I can feel your pity emotion as you poised the question: Who am I to redeem this sorry crèche? I believe you are seeing this situation in a certain place. I can think of in Muslim areas? I just don't know! Or maybe, it has a biblical implication as you mentioned sheep. And, oh, the association of monkey is somewhat more intriguing? Why monkey not donkey? Just a thought! SMILE!!! Thanks for sharing, Carole! I just have a new experience in poetry here! Best, Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2003-09-26 14:46:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Carole, Love the comma geographically after "on" in the proximity of Rudolph's nose; temporally, between the on and off. I take away the sense of a gibe at Christmas, what with the "sheeps being slaughtered" and the monkey coming instead of Santa and the baby Jesus. Though i must admit, even as someone who believes in the truth of Christianity, the idea of the "baby" Jesus does make we want to puke a bit. Maybe just a mouthful, not a huge wretching episode. And not a monkey coming metaphor. God forbid! :) Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2003-09-26 11:28:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95238
Nativity At 25 degrees Fahrenheit, urine freezes on a park bench. This first stanza, contrasted with the stark and reverent title – is chilling indeed! Feces becomes cloaked slush, before glittering holiday windows, the Coca Cola Claus, and Rudolph's nose blinking on[-,] and off. And again here – you throw these amazing phrases [cloaked slush] “Coca Cola Claus” into a mix of commercialism in the midst of abject poverty that defies the reason for the season and forces people to look at the real message inside the tinsel and glow. Filthy bundles of clothes, emaciated stick figures, [a little redundant] remain hidden in cardboard caves, [caves is marvelous here – ] their blued fingers fisted against the cold. [vivid and heartbreaking] Clouds of stinking breath [I think we get the “stinking” from the “rotted” – perhaps - painful breath?] frost rotted teeth. Who am I to redeem this sorry crèche? Creche - Wonderfully ironic – and also chillingly ironic in the narrator's seeing the injustice and feeling so very impotent to act. All the sheep have been slaughtered. In eight days, the monkey comes. Very cryptic and fascinating - but I am not sure of the illusion here – a Buddhist legend perhaps? Excuse my ignorance.
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