This Poem was Submitted By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-12 19:37:06 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Pigtails

My initial impulse was to ken  her name when I squinted her  stellar figure at the foyer. Time has scheduled our tryst in the archives of astronomy, I piped at her effulgent eyes Pleiades bedecked her ethereal pigtails Dangling in the constellation Taurus Enticing me as her moon grinned Artemis makes sheep's eyes. In moments fraught with perturbation I've perused Shakespear's best Still hearkening the kinetic palpitation Snatching her reflection in a hush 'Til I lately noticed The buzzer just whirred  She had shuffled off to class Shoving off her starry snapshots... Yet Cupid romantically bruited  I'm still eyeing Juliet in pigtails.

Copyright © October 2003 Jordan Brendez Bandojo


This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-29 19:30:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Other than the slight and forgiveable misspelling of Shakespeare's name, I like the super romantic potrayal of a crush. Well done. I like the comparison of her to stars and so forth, as is your wont to do. There is a slight voyeuristic bent to this as well- like looking through a telescope. Thanks, REEG!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-10-30 19:26:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jordan: My first attempt to critique one of your poems and what a joyous treasure it is! You have taken the greatest love story ever penned and made it your own, Romeo. Your linguistics impresses me, your over-all word choices are delightful, and there is a freshness and novelty to your work for which I always search. I can delineate every instance of alliteration, assonance...every poetic device employed...and that would entail pages as your poem is rife with same. "My initial impulse was to ken her name when I squinted (at) her stellar figure in the foyer. Time has scheduled our tryst in the archives of astronomy" To describe her figure as "stellar" is brilliant and that your tryst is arranged for the "archives of astronomy" is that special touch/detail that gives the reader an intellectual aha! and brings the poem to throbbing life. Your allits are appealing, the assonance enhances the delivery, especially when recited aloud. "I piped at her effulgent eyes Pleiades bedecked her ethereal pigtails Dangling in the constellation Taurus Enticing me as her moon grinned Artemis makes sheep's eyes." It's nice to see "effulgent" as I rarely see the word...good for you! With those resplendent eyes, when you detail her "pigtails", it gives the warmest feeling toward this stellar goddess you've found, at least to this reader. Her "moon grinned" is charming and the notion of the goddess of the hunt making sheep's eyes is original and vibrant. "In moments of pertubation I've perused Shakespeare's best Still hearkening the kinetic palpitation Snatching her reflection in a hush 'Til I lately noticed The buzzer just whirred She had shuffled off to class Shoving off her starry snapshots... Yet Cupid romantically bruited I'm still eyeing Juliet in pigtails." This is delicious. The utilization of the P's as you wisely rush to the bard when you are bumfuzzled and the phrase "kinetic palpitation" is something I wish I had written. Exquisite. So, dear Romeo, as she casts aside the starry snapshots and proceeds to her ensuing class, you're still squinting at your stellar Juliet. This makes for the quintessential ending to your piece. I find thirty-eight sibilant, susurrant sounds which lends a romantic rustle or whisper to the poem. Highly efficacious and euphonic for me. I find nothing I would change (other than tiny things like in the 2nd line) and the merits of the poem are easily seen and enjoyed. I look forward to seeing further poems you've written as you are obviously gifted with a poetic talent. I enjoyed (tremendously) "Pigtails" and I wish you the best with it. Bravo and kudos! Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-10-19 18:10:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Poet: This piece is a fun piece and it sent me searching as well.....first impression, of this vision in pigtails, was of a grade school friend, Elizabeth, and her very long pigtails and how the boys used to love to sit behind her and pull on them......oh Lord with the sisters heading the class one had to be careful you know.......or your hands would feel the ruler in short time..... boy's always had crushes on girls with pigtails....The girl kept her pigtail to this day but now has just one and is in her fifties.....she wraps it around her head and is still single.....a shame for she would have been a lovely wife and perhaps mother herself......your piece iss nicely structured with great word flow, images that makes one search the dictionary at times but that is a good thing as well........thanks for posting and sharing this with us. Be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-10-18 15:31:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.08333
Hi Jordan, This piece is so much fun even tho I must admit I had to consult my trusty dictionary a few times just to keep up. My first impression, of this vision in pigtails, was of a grade school girl and the school boy's crush. The second time I read through it I decided the pigtailed girl and her admirer might be a little older...however, I want them to be in grade school..it is so cute that way. No matter what age, a crush on someone can be a very serious thing and not to be made light of...I found that out when I became a mother! The way you have used astrology and the "Bard" to express the thoughts of the smitten one is just delicious. I fell in love with this boy and am hoping that his 'Juliet" will pay some attention to the poor guy who is so much in love. Great job...keep writing! Peace....MArilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-10-15 16:55:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Jordan, This is wonderful the way you take us into the universe to glimpse what a woman is. There is such emotion in these words! I picture you looking through your telescope in delight at what you find. Your phrases and descriptions are so yummy: "I squninted her stellar figure in the Foyer" -the fricative "s" and "f" sounds add a softness to your description of her. "archives of astronomy" sounds like a majestic kind of place-like a shelf in Gods Palace. lol And the timing was so perfect that it made you squeal with joy at seeing the radiating light of her eyes. Her hair was decorated with the light of the stars! what a vision! Your imagry is adding much to the delight of this piece. I learned from this poem of yours because of your references to astronomy, Greek Mythology, and Shakespear, I had to do a little research to brush up. It's been awhile since I was in school. lol. I really enjoy a poem that makes me learn something. Thank you for sharing this, Jordan. I look forward to more of your imagry laden poetry. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-10-15 00:18:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.87500
Hi Jordan, After I recently received my 5 credits, I knew I would be expecting a poem submission from you soon. I knew you were also anticipating the credits (from your Critiquer Winning – Congrats!) and I’m happy to see your poem in my “Critique New Poems” list. You could say that I was anticipating your poem (“excited” if you want to define it more in details)…and I’m glad I was not disappointed by your fine work here. “Pigtails” --- From the title alone “Pigtails”, I knew the content of the poem would be something unique and interesting. I was not mistaken. I like the simplicity of the title, yet very original and imaginative. “My initial impulse was to ken her name when I squinted her stellar figure at the foyer.” --- The first three lines are already a catcher. Great introductory lines…you were able to hit straight to the subjects and your choice of words were able to capture the interest of your readers. In your rare and not so common choice of words, I find depth and poetic talent in your messages here – I find “her” and “foyer” rhyming and I find it entertaining though I don’t know what rhyming format you used here. Anyway, in such simple scenario you were able to strike an unforgettable imagery. Here, I can feel your overwhelming adoration to a stranger whose name is worthy to be discovered. I can feel your excitement! “Time has scheduled our tryst in the archives of astronomy,” --- Here, I can feel your tremendous belief (or just fascination) on “zodiac signs” when it comes to destiny and fate. I just hope I got this interpretation right! :) “I piped at her effulgent eyes Pleiades bedecked her ethereal pigtails Dangling in the constellation Taurus Enticing me as her moon grinned Artemis makes sheep's eyes.” --- I like the use of “piped” as your telescopic and intensive admiration to her intoxicating eyes. You know Jordan, your choice of words are mesmerizing and very new to me. From a person older than you, I can say, I have learned a lot from your vocabularies. I researched and checked on my dictionary (sometimes Encyclopedia) every time there is a fresh word I encountered in your poem…not to mention the exquisite metaphors you showered in the entire poem. Your knowledge in Physics and Astronomy is very much evident in your lines. I like how you decorated her pigtails and to describe it as “ethereal” is something new. It only shows how special she is to you, that you noticed almost everything to her as something beautiful and lovely…even in such small details. “In moments fraught with perturbation I've perused Shakespear's best Still hearkening the kinetic palpitation Snatching her reflection in a hush 'Til I lately noticed The buzzer just whirred” --- Your exceeding fascination on her total being continuous within these lines. I like the use of “Shakespear’s best”…it adds some romantic ambiance to your already romantic poem. “She had shuffled off to class Shoving off her starry snapshots... Yet Cupid romantically bruited I'm still eyeing Juliet in pigtails.” --- Adding “Cupid” and “Juliet” in your poem adds more romance in exponential high. I don’t know if her name reveals as “Juliet” or just a coincidence to one of Shakespear’s famous characters…but I find it timely and appropriate. I like the comical part wherein your admiration to her (or Juliet) is only a “pigtails” away…a secret admiration that only reveals at her behind. The admirer was not able to tell her face to face…where he always feel the situation in an awkward position. I hope I was able to interpret the poem right! :) Kudos on your fine work here Brandon! This is really something! “Pigtails” is just a part of the whole scenario but you were able to expound the depth and relevance of it through your intelligent poem. You are such a wordy poet (playful and clever), it reveals within the lines. Thanks for posting this inspiring (a bit comical) piece! I sure enjoy the read! I find this skillfully written! Superb! Looking forward to read more of your works! As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-10-13 15:26:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
The basis of a good poem, however, difficult following it or understanding it due to the complexity of the vocabulary. If more common words had been used through out the work, I would not have used the dictionary as much and therefore enjoyed the poem for itself.
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