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This Poem was Submitted By: Darlene A Moore On Date: 2003-10-15 21:00:36 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Haiku: Warnings

Animosity lips curl, a growl warns, threatens beware wild dog's bite Base hostility fangs appear, tongue forked flicking lies insert venom Antagonism hair raises, cat spitting ire claws rake a bare back

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-11-01 17:25:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Darlene, I like this poem made of a triad of haiku. The poem as a whole imitates the form in that it has 3 verses of 3 lines each. The theme of nature is consistant throughout, The warnings given by animals and humans. The syllable count is met throughout, although line 2 in the second haiku has to be read just right to do so. It all depends upon how you say "forked". I like the way the emotions are represented by the animals and wondered if I should say seneru (sp?) or haiku. The imagery is wonderful and the poem reads well aloud. Nice work! Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-10-26 19:44:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Darlene, I admire your talent more than I can say. Haiku too! You did it very well. I know it must be hard to write this form, I haven't tried it yet, but am getting more and more intrigued by it. You are an inspiration to me. I almost have 3 complete chapbooks completed. I have 3 stores in my hometown and one in Bloomington, IL that want to carry them when they are ready for sale. You were a big help to me. Thanks so much, and hope to see you again some time. Love, Sherri Also, Wanda is doing much better now that she is using her inhaler in the correct way!!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-10-21 19:40:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56667
Hi Poet....whether you are indeed referring to the animal in all of us believe me at times I have seen each 'animal' described above....hehehe....at when those fangs so watch out.......here in the woods of Tully we also see the real animals you speak of as well......true to form for Haiku and the words you chose indeed do come alive with the read......5-7-5 form ......the man down the road from me has large seven foot snakes in his yard and if they came here I would have to shoot for my own sanity........venom indeed......thanks for posting, be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-10-17 22:20:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Darlene, Wonderful profound haikus! It shows the different side of you Darlene…in subjects, in style and in message. I find the three series of haikus inter-related…and enjoy the continuous flow of it! Very attached to each other! “Haiku: Warnings” --- Great title…great subject! “Animosity lips curl, a growl warns, threatens beware wild dog's bite” --- At instant you define and focus of our attention to the obvious subject “Animosity”. I like the imagery of the second fragment “lips curl”. The visualization here is evident…I almost literary curl my lips! --- From “lips curl”, “a growl warns”, to “threatens”…I find these as true character of “Animosity”. --- I’m just a bit off on the third line for the adjective “wild” which I find not fitting and cannot support a “reason”. I would suggest “angry” or “bitter” to compliment “Animosity”. And since it would exceed a syllable long for the third line, I suggest a rephrase “heed angry (or bitter) dog’s bite”. I hope I didn’t tamper your original intentions here…just a friendly advise. “Base hostility fangs appear, tongue forked flicking lies insert venom” --- Next subject “hostility” is one interesting and appealing subject. Quite true and undeniable as something that “fangs appear, tongue forked flicking lies insert venom”. The deadly truth and reality of your words are worth contemplating. I ponder the dreaded imagery that plays on my mind…your careful choice of words are really effective on the portrayal of your images. I shiver on the “tongue forked flicking” line and the “venom” thing just adds more on the thrill! The images are vivid to the mind. Inescapable! Antagonism hair raises, cat spitting ire claws rake a bare back --- Last topic “Antagonism” is as hyper and aggressive subject as the first two topics/subjects. The difference is its new, fresh and mischievous representation…”hair raises, cat spitting ire” and the hypnotic “claws rake a bare back”. Such striking imageries, leaving readers in awe! I like how the use of “hair” to compensate the “cat”. But it’s the last line “claws rake a bare back” that really hit big time! Such great construction! Kudos on your fine work here Darlene! I find this skillfully written…great presentation! I like your topics “Animosity”, “Hostility” and “Antagonism”…and to associate or expound it as something as a “Warnings” is one clever move. Thanks for posting these for our contemplation…these are really a food of thoughts. As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-10-16 22:42:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44444
Hi Darlene. Congratulations on taking Haiku to a new level. This is wonderful! These warnings in animal form are done perfectly to show first the emotion involved for each one(dog, snake, cat), then the action that goes with the emotion, and finally the warning. All in perfect unity with eachother. The pure raw power and emotion packed into each of these is awesome. I believe there is an extra space between beware and wild. Is it a typo or meant to denote a long pause? I have enjoyed this haiku. Well done, poet. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-10-16 10:12:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
It is so refreshing to see others stepping outside of the "Haiku" boundries, though I am finding that for evryone that uses a varient to the "Norm" there is a name for it. I have heard many forms tossed around, some say Senryus, some mention Renga and still others mention Soji. I have looked into all of these forms and found that they are all "Haiku-like" My thoughts are that if you take a Haiku and make it longer ,than you have made a longer Haiku, but in any case, it is a work of art, and that is what you have created here, a work of art. I like your choice of wording. The hard and soft consanent contrast in the second line real heightens the first set as the triple F's in line five supports the "Venom" in line six. Nice peice. Thank you, Dan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-10-16 01:31:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.70000
Darlene--great idea and a difficult one--fitting this factual information in the five, seven, five syllables--three line format. Your animal descriptions were right on--I 've actually seen your dog, snake and cat in action. Nice research for good action type verbs, plus excellent adjectives for your nouns. Great job. TLW

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