This Poem was Submitted By: Donna L. Dean On Date: 2003-10-23 15:50:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Colors of Aah! The sun begins to drop
like a pink pearl
in a bottle of olive oil.
I breathe a sigh of relief
for the day was tiresome.
The paired butterflies are orange
like the jack-o'-lanterns.
I write to the tree,
to the soil, to the sky
and they write back to me.
Reading the news of nature,
it's telling with tender majesty.
I fall like the leaves of gold
and brown upon my bed
communing with my heart,
dreaming of your
dark-brown irises.
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Copyright © October 2003 Donna L. Dean
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-11-06 12:42:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53731
This is beautifully written Donna and so peaceful with the pictures you have painted and then thre is the touch of emotions as you think of him with his brown eyes.........exhausted you fall upon the bed as the leaves of fall descend to the ground outside your window.....nice comparison, gentle too.
The sun begins to drop
like a pink pearl
in a bottle of olive oil.
What a lovely sunset you paint with your words in these three lines above.....how romantic to the heart as well as lovely to the sight......nice structure within the lines and your choice of words are superb. Thank you forposting and sharing this with us and I am sorry it was exhaustion that put you to bed that night...hehehe....Be safe my friend and God Bless, Claire
Perhaps this is what a California sunset looks like? Nice, very nice indeed....
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-11-05 16:00:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Love the analogy of the pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil, not a quick process, for the oil is tick, so the analogy of the sun setting fits so well. Plus love the glistening of the oil as the beautiful of a pink peal settles. Nice and restful to imagine.
Yes Butterflies, mesmerize us all, all your descriptives are the same insect with the minute differences one would ponder about, wondering where they go, are they ultimately joined, as they flitter in the known flight of these beactiful animals, that amaze and once again cause a peaceful countance. Their jack o latern coloros along with the beautiful fall leaves as described are soothing, the whole poem is soothing, for it speaks of love doesn't it. Dreaming of your dark brown irises summs up so well the peace in a relationship, as does the whole poems leading to this wonderful ending two lines. Love makes the world go round, and this poem leads us all to the great sensations and anticipation. Bed of colorful fall leaves, another great analogy to the dreaming process, wishes for that special love.
Right or wrong Donna, I'm in a mushy mood, fully intune with all your wonderful descriptives. Just wish I had this to look foreward to, it's very loving, warm and soothing.
Best luck I love the poem, or I wouldn't have responded to it.
Best always, sorry I'm so late with this review......Jo Morgan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-11-04 12:18:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26316
The pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil is perfect. I can see the irredecence of it. The use of colour is great. People often forget to appeal to the sences in poetry. Dark brown Irises is perfect, it implies a persons eyes which changes the focus of the poem and adds this wonderful backwards looking sensuality and it also speaks of the flower which deepens the nature focus of the poem. That last line if perfect. and the poem is wonderful. Good job with this one. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-10-28 10:44:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
How splendid are the imageries you painted here, Donna! I especially like poems
decorated with lip-smacking colors like this. Indeed, you have Colors of Aah!
What an enticing title!
One embellishing ornamentation of the poem is the reinforcement of similes.
Although, the sun is already dropping, it is still enlivining to imagine
its activity like a pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil. Fabulous is your description
here! This is fraught with wonderful exclamations! The application of the alliteration
and assonance is remarkable with 'p' in pink/pearl and 'o' in olive/olive.
This adds up to the splendor.
I breathe a sigh of relief for the day was tiresome...the relief maybe was
made possible by the valuable accomplishments of your work. It is also
an interesting idea to say "breathing a sigh"! Poetic manipulation rules here!
The association of butterflies is wonderful especially its likening to the
jack-o'-lanterns. This also spices up the splendor of the imagery. I like the
rhyming effect of orange and lanterns.
I especially like this line, my favorite, "I write to the tree, to the soil, to the sky
and they write back to me." Nature is really a great source of inspiration. It
is amazing to note the stimuli-response activity here. This seems
to apply to one of the laws of Newton, the "action-reaction" pair. The response
of the tree, the soil and the sky proves it!
Reading the news of nature is a very original concept! You are giving me a
discovery here, poet! Interestingly, news of nature creates a wonderful alliteration
of 'n'.
And you just ended the piece effectively, from the end of your work you are now
relaxing with ease. The use of "I fall like the leaves upon my bed" is apt. It denotes
a care-free activity.
Congratulation in advance for this outstanding poetic craft, Donna. This is one of your
bests, polished to the max!
Best regards,
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-10-26 23:20:38
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78571
Hi Donna,
Wow, another splendid entry for the month of October! This is too much! :)
“Colors of Aah!”
--- Truly you have given a thousand spectrum of sensations to the beauty of your surroundings…from your nature-inspired poetry. Again, you have treated your readers with your lyrical prowess and great choice of words.
“The sun begins to drop
like a pink pearl
in a bottle of olive oil.”
--- Your words here is a gem to visualize! You have exercised our imagination with your gentle style! So original!
“I breathe a sigh of relief
for the day was tiresome.
The paired butterflies are orange
like the jack-o'-lanterns.”
--- I liked the pairing of the butterflies…it adds romance to the poetry. The contradicting of “sigh of relief” to “tiresome” is enjoyable! Great “jack-o’-lanterns” - effective imagery!
“I write to the tree,
to the soil, to the sky
and they write back to me.
Reading the news of nature,
it's telling with tender majesty.”
--- I like the personal approach of your poetry to nature…and the result it brings to your audience. “Tender majesty” – grand portrayal!
--- Just one minor comment on the word “news”. “News” is a very strong word. It somehow implies danger and seriousness. With your elegant and stylish start, you could replace “news” to “words”, “language” or “vocabulary”. Well, just a friendly reminder to your already wonderful poem. :)
“I fall like the leaves of gold
and brown upon my bed
communing with my heart,
dreaming of your
dark-brown irises.”
---Wow, what a wonderful ending! The tranquility and serenity of being with nature is peacefully felt. “Dark-brown irises” – what a wonderful inspiration! Something to look forward with your
someone special!
Kudos on your fine piece here Donna! Another stellar performance - a kaleidoscope of joy! Your love and passion to nature radiates within the lines. And this is very much enjoyed and reminisced! I sure love every moment of it!
As always,
Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2003-10-24 15:16:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Donna,
I like the imagery used here! 'like a pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil'...I can envision the sunset now. Your use of the word 'drop' sets the tone well for your theme...as if, as the sun sets, you drop from exhaustion into the solace of the evening, allow yourself to relax and enjoy your surroundings. 'The paired butterflies are orange like the jack-o'-lanterns.' [nice simile] 'I write to the tree, to the soil, to the sky and they write back to me.' [I like the way you have expressed your communication with nature here, the personification of these things, as if they could write]. "I fall like the leaves of gold and brown upon my bed communing with my heart," [I can just imagine your 'freefall' now; I like the imagery used here.]
"dreaming of your dark-brown irises." [and what a dream that surely must be! Just one more thing needed in your quest for rest, is he not? LOL]
Great job, Donna! I like this one!
Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-10-24 13:52:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58333
Dear Donna,
What an expressive title! "The Color of Aah" I like that.
And right off the bat you give us some imagry that just knocks me for a loop with your
descriptioin of a sunset:
"The sun begins to drop
like a pink pearl
in a bottle of olive oil."
This is a very unique simile, and gives us a definate picture in our minds as we read.
"pink pearl" and "olive oil" are great visualizers.
Next we get the affect this beautiful sunset has on you after a long day. Aah yes, a big sigh.
Been there before.
More imagry and color in the orange butterflys! This poem is a feast of colorful imagry.
You write to nature and nature writes back!
I love the way you word this:
"Reading the news of nature,
it's telling with tender majesty."
This concept is quite appealing to me. "Tender majesty" oozes from everything in nature.
The ending here is spectacular.
You fall like the brown and gold leaves onto your bed---nice imagry here too
then communing with your heart like you just did with nature, you also read what your heart wrote:
then dream of your love....his dark-brown irises.
Wow. Love doesn't get any better then this! and neither does image filled poetry.
Just a thought would be to emphasize each thought a little more you could try separating
them out like this:
The sun begins to drop
like a pink pearl
in a bottle of olive oil.
I breathe a sigh of relief
for the day was tiresome.
The paired butterflies are orange
like the jack-o'-lanterns.
I write to the tree,
to the soil, to the sky
and they write back to me.
Reading the news of nature,
it's telling with tender majesty.
I fall like the leaves of gold
and brown upon my bed
communing with my heart,
dreaming of your
dark-brown irises.
Again that is just a thought and I do love this just the way it is.
Thanks so much for sharing such lovliness,
Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-10-23 19:37:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Dear Donna,
Is this a rewrite? I remember quite clearly the image of the olive oil.
All that I said before is still true. The change to the orange is more startling. Pumpkins might stay in the softer tone of the poem more than jack-o-lanterns. I love the fall you have captured here.
Thanks again,
Jane
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-10-23 19:35:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.24242
Donna--This piece starts off right away with great similes, i.e., lines 1 and 2("...drop like a pink pearl..."),7 ("...orange like the jack-o'-lanterns."),
and 14 ("I fall like the leaves..."). The contrast of colors use through out; pink, orange, gold, and brown are very descriptive, allowing the reader(s) to visualize an array of picturesque scenes. Nice play on words (or is it?) at the end;"...dreaming of your dark-brown irises." Excellent ebb and flow with good metaphors. Thanks for sharing this with TPL. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Dan D Lavigne On Date: 2003-10-23 16:07:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.27273
Donna,
THe title is spectacular. I love it. "The colors of Aah" Very exciting. I love your flow of descriptions,"like a pink pearl in a bottle of olive oil." the contrast of color and texture, the addition of the slow motion as the drops. This adds to the splendor of this peice. Very nice rhythum scheme. I also like your use of hard consenants vs. soft.
very nice peice,
Thank yopu,
Dan
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