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This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-11-02 02:51:53 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 30 (Vulture)

Vigilant villain Vulgar in vandalizing Vacant cadaver

This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2003-11-26 21:15:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.28571
Hi Erzahl, As always, I am amazed by your talent with haiku's. You've managed to portray the vulture perfectly in 3 lines. Keep them coming. Deb:)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Drenda D. Cooper On Date: 2003-11-19 19:45:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl, You seem to be taking both haiku and acrostics to new heights. Wow, it is difficult enough to get the thought into 17 syllables..but at the same time to do it so completely alliteratively with each major word starting with the syllable of the subject....and still keep meaning and continuiry....I have never learned to appreciate the "vulture" and just the word promotes such negative connotations....I know they have their place in nature and the scheme of things..but I find them as you intimate as "vulgar vandalizers"..I suppose we don't have to love every creature on God's earth..I don't especially care for cockroaches, mosquitoes, or fireants either..HEHEHEH!! As usual, you have done an excellent job in what is quickly becoming your "domain". I think you already hold the TPL's all time record in haiku both in quantity and in quality...thanks for sharing your talent with us......................drenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2003-11-14 12:21:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Erzahl, All those fricatives - wow!!! The "v" consonance - taken from the very name "vulture" - gives an almost playful effect so that the bird is seen in an somewhat mocking manner, despite the horrible circumstances of its presence. A vulture's behaviour is, to human eyes, unpleasant. The speaker notes its watchful attitude (the better to eat roadkill), but calls it "villain", the dark spirit of the scavengers' world. "Vulgar" and "vandalizing" imply its disrespect for the mutilation it inflicts on the dead. "Vacant", however, does admit that the cadaver's spiritual inhabitant has gone. The thing consumed is no longer possessed of personality or character; it is mere dead flesh. Traditional haiku syllabic pattern is maintained. Capitalization, while often discarded for haiku, is consistent in each line. The single image (drawn from Nature) is also featured, as with most haiku. We may not care to consider the vulture's existence as a benefit, but it does help to clean up what might otherwise be left to rot ... which is a useful contribution to the ecosystem. Of course, one hopes that said cadaver isn't human! We now have turkey vultures in southern Nova Scotia; these recent arrivals intrigue me. Their wingspreads are immense. Your poem reminds me of these magnificent (but still sinister) creatures. My Best, Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-11-11 18:10:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Ezrahl! Rich with allteration and assonance, this is quite an extraordinary piece! You use only very descriptive words to give the reader the message of what a vulture is all about. You also employ personification to give the human-like character of villian to the vulture, which is an accurate and creative depiction. Actually your imagry is quite good here as it does give this reader a picture in mind that is hitting it's mark , however not pleasant...smile. Just teasing you Esrahl! I hope you are going to publish a book of all your Haiku someday, as I think it would make the ultimate coffee table book. I know I would want one. Thanks for sharing this. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sean Donaghy On Date: 2003-11-10 12:56:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.20000
Erzahl - It may be just my own particular quirk but I find using poetic devices (like alliteration, rhyme, assonace, etc.) in haiku detracts from the purity of the form. The haiku poet has little time or space to say the beautiful things about nature that are to be said and to bother with such devices just seems to weaken the effort. Also - I think classifying the vulture as a villian is a bit unfair. The bird has a purpose, given to him by the Creator, and he serves that purpose well. He is not "vandalizing" the cadaver. On the contrary, the vulture, by ingesting the dead creature, restores it to life! Your poem is well written and your message is clearly stated. High marks for its construction and for the way you handle the format. Sorry but I just don't agree with the content. Thank you for sharing this effort. S.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2003-11-10 12:11:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Erzahl, well this is an interesting haiku, the majority use of the letter "v' is strong, you choose such strong descriptive words to tantalize the reader, ending in villian, vandalizing, cadaver, with only one conjunctive word "in", wow, amazing. As I sit here typing this, seeing the haiku in front of me you stayed so well withing the framework of expectation. Yo me each descriptive in conjunction with the sequence creates a strong visual image, without even you explaining the intent in the title, there is any other creature that would meet these descriptives other then a vulture. So was it expressive enough to paint a picture in words, can't get over the usage of just "v's", so unique, and it's amazing you can create these haiku. Congratulations on another better then even constructed haiku. You did it again....Best always, Jo Morgan

This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-11-10 03:49:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
hey nice try,but just like i told the others, you have to use words that your readers can SEE so as to appreciate your poem more.good luck!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-11-06 22:05:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear ERzahl, You are amazing at this type of structured poems! I do hope that you contacted Randy Brooks somehow from his website or in some manner. I think he would like your work. Nice alliteration throughout the haiku and to keep that up as well as the form was certainly a big job. Congratulations. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-11-05 12:38:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Erzahl, I do believe you must be the modern master of the art of haiku! Everyone I read is even more wonderful than the one before. This one is just amazing as in three short lines you have managed to give me the chills! The 'V' sounds are so creative and display your talent for this poetry form...then the'C' gives the exact same tone..there is only one word that doesn't begin with 'V' or 'C' and that is the one 'in!' between 'vulgar' and 'vandalizing'....also the coupling of 'vacant and cadaver' is supberb. "vigilant villain"...so creative! I admire your talent and am pleased that you have chosen TPL as a creative outlet. Have you ever tried to publish your work? You should! Keep writing...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2003-11-05 09:50:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Erzahl, You certainly created some interesting imagery in this one. I know you know that traditionally there would not be so much alliteration in japanese verse but this works on a visual and an auditory sense. That vacant cadaver plays with my head in so many ways. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-11-04 07:14:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Just the word VULTURE brings forth images of 'beasts' the kind of prey that roams our sky....perhaps not here in Tully but in many parts of the world, in search of their food, they do not want for the smaller beast but for the larger ones indeed.......and they are not particular either for they will eat man as well......vigilant in their wait.....yes, they are......vulgar in what they do, again, they are for they just devour till nothing is left, and when they are done the prey is empty of flesh.....wow what a picture painted here.........actually poet this also reminds me of someone who is capable of destroying one's mind, like a vulture they sit and wait, they prey on the innocent people of this world, whether it be with drugs, sickness or just the thoughts used to consume your mind (and there are plenty of people that do just that)..a universal piece to share with many.....to be honest about this I just had an incident yesterday with my sister and the title reminded me of her, very sad to say that but true. Thanks for posting for as always you are right on form, the thoughts are many to this reader as I am sure to others. Be safe my friend and I certainly look forward to the next.....God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-11-03 17:07:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
What a v...v...very very awesome technique you have put in here, Erzahl! It is very remarkable the domineering of 'v' sound which is enjoying to read. A vulture? It can be that you are referring to a large bird or a person of a rapacious, predatory, or profiteering nature. But when you say a villain, it is a wicked or evil person. The adjective "vulgar" is just approriate to describe a villain which is of course lack of good breeding. This piece is like a dark poetry, huh! It is not lovely of course. Rather it is frigtening! Ah, I see the significance of the theme, I just realized it is timely because to give the atmosphere of the Halloween. Good point! I just enjoyed the dreadful imagery, it is funny somehow! SMILE! I really have a new experience in your japanese verse, here, Erzahl! It is a good shot! Should I say "Happy Halloween"? Hehehe! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-11-02 03:51:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Erzahl--Well, the Haiku master is at it again. This time also in very short order you've managed to be technically sound (although not about nature); saturate with alliterations and consonants while telling a tale about a dastardly deed by a sorry character (theft of a dead body and or grave robbing). Once again super job and entertaining (although morbid-smile)! TLW

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