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This Poem was Submitted By: Ken Dauth On Date: 2003-11-13 18:57:20 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Birth Right

We carried the sword of a father’s will the overbearing weight of years and sins Walked the sandy outline Straight and proud, we were so young. Freshly taught in scripted nobility We were told we were right, knew it by heart, Pledged allegiance since we could talk Blue eyed fair skins picked to lead the world Yet others of color and faith lay down Choice made on the choices chosen Without facts, less than one sided...no sided...miss guidance Off we went, and we were young, To sail away and march far lands again Tell the tale and wave the flag, While we were so very young.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-03 05:22:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.58065
heroism, allegiance, partriotism, valor and dignity Your words bring me back in time to when my grandfather faught in the Spanish American War.....I remember well the photo's shown of the young men, the flags caught as they waved in the breeze, the bugler with his bugle at his lips ready to sound the call, the horses ready to mount, the young men with fear perhaps in their hearts along with the pride as they rode off to fight the enemy.......young, indeed they were then and we are still today, the fight remains the same, the call of men and women to patriotism remains as it has been since the beginning of time.....Birth Right is a really good title for this poem for it speaks about young people designated to be warriors and defenders to their country. Your structure is good and your word flow allows for images to be projected throughout the piece..... "We carried the sword of a father’s will". "Straight and proud, we were so young." reminds me of responsibility as a youth towards a country one loves so very much......."Tell the tale and wave the flag, While we were so very young." The above lines have stood out to me among the rest.....thank you for sharing this with us, be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sean Donaghy On Date: 2003-12-02 14:54:58
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.96552
Poignant and powerful, the message you offer here. Not one that is always accepted by the vocal majorities(?). I like the way you've constructed your poem. You offer your reader the pedestal to stand above others then point (with your sword?) to the "rest of the world" so often ignored by those who stand on pedestals. Good work! Thanks for the read Sean

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-11-27 04:16:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Hi Ken, I'm glad I stubled again to your wonderful poetry. I remember the last I critiqued from you is Epitaph. As usual, you amaze me with your poetic creativity. This one is a very profound and significant poem. I can see here the great virtues like heroism, allegiance, partriotism, valor and dignity. You bring me to a national spirit here. Birth Right...is simply the best title for this poem for it speaks about young people designated to be warriors and defenders to their country. Although your theme is serious, you managed to have good visuals and your words come with exquisite regularities. The highlight of your poetic devices is a special merit to the significant theme. You started the piece with a great line to open up the mind of this reader to a sense of valor "We carried the sword of a father’s will". I can SEE your poem with a concrete picture of a sword which reinforce the subject. The last line of the first stanza "Straight and proud, we were so young." reminds me of responsibility as a youth towards my nation. I am still young but old enough to uphold the ideals. Freshly taught in scripted nobility ----this is an amazing line! New and original to this reader. You put a signature here. I am moved to your reference of fair skins "Blue eyed fair skins picked to lead the world". I can see the significance of the descriptor. Yet others of color and faith lay down Choice made on the choices chosen -----wonderful repitition of ch in triplet-- it makes an emphasis Without facts, less than one sided...no sided...miss guidance ---this line is simply participating. It is a point of awakening to all. The influx of your ideas come with profundity till you come up with an effective ending: "Tell the tale and wave the flag, While we were so very young." This is a poem of valor and respect. I salute to your profound ideas. I hope to see this as one of the poets' choices. Jordan.

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-11-21 10:41:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54545
Hi Ken, This is a well crafted poem about our young people, who are taught from a very young age, that they love their country to go into battle for it. Your word choices are superb from beginning to end...."We carried the sword of our father's will" I know in our family (we had two boys) they were subject to 'war stories' from their father who served in Korea. Most of these stories were overheard as I don't remember a time when Dale talked about the war directly to his children. But he did teach them to be love their county and it's flag. Thank heavens they were too young for Vietnam and too old for the present war. The repetition of "we were so young" just drives home the message that the young are the ones who take up arms and fight for our freedom..but in many cases they are ill equiped to do so...."Freshly taught in scripted nobility"..this is a great line..."we were told we were right." Then you refer to 'fair skinned people' being the chosen ones to lead the world...how wrong was that? You are right they did not have all the facts and were so misguided...."To sail away and march far lands again" The operative word here is "Again" Will this ever stop...will our young people never need to worry about fighting a war? Currently there is no answer to this age long question. Great poem and one that should be read by everyone. It is not too long but is powerful and profound. Peace...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2003-11-20 13:41:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Ken, This is an intriguing poem to me. I love the turn of phrase scripted nobility. I like the internal thoughts and reflection here. I am not sure where to ground the poem. Germany? America, presently? I like the details of the sandy outline. Those mixture of thought and physical detail really enrich the poem. I would be more compelled I think if the poem hinted at a time and place--a single voice singing--or else it seems polemic and really I get hints of deep personal feeling here. Thank so much, Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-11-18 17:08:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Ken: I like your title and theme, and stanzaic free verse seems to serve as the fitting structure for your poem. I'm not going to scan this piece for poetic devices...I'd rather unravel the meaning. "We carried the sword of a father's will The overbearing weight of years and sins Walked the sandy outline Straight and proud; we were so young." I like your word choices herein to convey a young man's call to battle and his reaction...carrying on the tradition with which he has been raised and taught. The sins of the fathers visited upon the young who are too immature to think "out of the box" but follow the rules instilled in them. The phrases: "sword of a father's will"....overbearing weight"... "we were so young"...tell the reader about the burden we place on our young boys to fulfill the expectations that they march to war. "Freshly taught in scripted nobility, We were told we were right, knew it by heart, Pledged allegiance since we could talk: Blue eyed fair skins picked to lead the world." You deftly capture the indoctrination heaped upon the young with pledging allegiance since you could talk, being told you were right, that it was your birth right to lead the country. I especially like the phrase: "scripted nobility." I find your linguistics perfect for your portrayal of what has always occurred in our society and applaud the profundity of your message. "Yet others of color and faith lay down Choice made on the choices chosen Without facts, Less than one sided...no sided...miss guidance." This stanza describes our view of any perceived to be an enemy of our nation. I assume you add this from the perspective of the immature youth, in keeping with the theme of your piece. Your phrasing of: "one sided...no sided...miss guidance" is efficacious. "Off we went, and we were young, To sail away and march far lands again; Tell the tale and wave the flag .....exquisite.... While we were so (very) young." This is the ideal ending and your insertion of "again" after far lands says to me that we've been there before but never learn from history. Your third line is as I marked it...exquisite... but I suggest the deletion of the adverb "very" as you do not need two adverbs to modify young in the final line. It is a play back to the first stanza so it brings the poem full circle, as it were. Did you consider in S4, line 1: "Off we went, and we were "not yet men"? It came to my mind as an option to keep your final line pure and pristine and not repetitive. I said I was not going to delineate poetic devices but it fascinates me that you have twenty-three W words in your piece. When read aloud, the sounds of those W's thrum like the notion and motion of war. Ken, I think this is a fine piece of writing, evocative, TIC at times, well-paced, and casts light on a topic needing the illumination. I enjoyed it and it made my brain work, which is most appealing. Kudos and best wishes for this poem which cries for publication. Best, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Annette L Cowling On Date: 2003-11-18 15:33:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.12500
Ken - Your poem is so true and it says so much. Well done. Annette

This Poem was Critiqued By: C Arrownut On Date: 2003-11-16 18:12:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Ken, I'll see if I understand your poem. The first and last stanzas seem to be about the young going off so eagerly to war to conquer foreign lands. at least that's what I got out of them. Now the second stanza is where I had problems. I wasn't sure what "lay down" meant. Now you have people of color and other faiths doing this, but it seems to me that they rather stand up for their rights, rather than "lay down." Now I take it the white people are the ones making the wrong decisions because we either have no facts or untrue ideas about these other people. Overall, I enjoyed your message, if I understood it right. And these are the kinds of ideas we need more people to realize so we can all get a clearer picture of each other as fellow human beings. Hope I was right and that I haven't inadvertantly insulted anything you wanted to say. Good Luck, C.

This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-11-14 01:27:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
great poem ken! thanks for sharing it with us. i like the emoitons expressed in vivid words that captivated my imagination... Birth Right We carried the SWORD OF A FATHER'S WILL the OVERBEARING WEIGHT OF YEARS AND SINS WALKED the SANDY OUTLINE STRAIGHT AND PROUD, WE WERE SO YOUNG. Freshly taught in SCRIPTED NOBILITY We were told we were right, knew it by heart, PLEDGED ALLEGIANCE SINCE WE COULD TALK BLUE EYES FAIR SKINS PICKED TO LEAD THE WORLD Yet others of color and faith lay down Choice made on the choices chosen Without facts, less than one sided...no sided...MISS GUIDANCE Off we went, and we were young, To sail away and march far lands again Tell the tale and wave the flag, While we were so very young. ive practically enjoyed every line of your work.and title is just so APT.very good ken! awesome! i would love to read more of your works!

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