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This Poem was Submitted By: Drenda D. Cooper On Date: 2003-12-11 16:39:32 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Snow * Revised into Rondolets*

Soft, falling snow White feathers floating to the ground Soft, falling snow Til rising winds begin to blow And whirl with wailing mournful sound Flurries of fragile flakes around Soft, falling snow. In sunset's glow White feathers floating to the ground In sunset's glow Til rising winds begin to blow And whirl with wailing mournful sound Flurries of fragile flakes around In sunset's glow

Additional Notes:
I deeply apologize for my first attempt in which I did not fully understand the form...Thanks to TW for the info and suggestions...I hope these 2 are better examples....drenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-01-02 17:29:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72500
Hi Drenda, I have never tried a 'rondlet' but this is absolutely beautiful no matter what form it is written in. The words have a wonderful cadence especially when read aloud...one word flows into the other and each line magically blends with the other...creating amazing music...."white feathers floating to the ground" I have lived where there is snow most of the winter and some snow falls are so soft and feathery...these are my favorite snow falls...."Til rising winds begin to blow and whirl with wailing mournful sound..flurries of fragile flakes around"...I just wish I had written that line! Please forgive me for not being versed in the rondolet form but after reading this I feel my poetic juices awakening and I must try to write one. So first I must find out the rules of a rondolet...I do write an occasional haiku as they are fun but I am certainly a novice. I am always astounded at how much a person can learn on this site...thanks for sharing this. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-12-27 10:51:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95000
Wow Drenda, You have definately expanded your snow rondolet! There is no apology needed as while the first snow poem may have been not completely true to form, it was still quite lovely. This piece flows like light, airy snowflakes blowing in a slight breeze, tumbling slowly to the ground. And it's double the pleasure because it's a pair of rondelets. You kept the frication,assonance and alliteration and in no way have compromised the piece with the repititions, as they add a rhythm that was not present in the earlier version. This is a symphony of snow, playing in my head now. Thank you for sharing this musical revision. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-15 13:06:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.73333
Again, I do not understand form of this kind of poetry but I certainly do appreciate the structure, word flow and beauty you present with the flair of your pen.....the images in both stanzas are superb and I remember enjoying the original as well.......the winter scene as presented brings forth many images and the setting sun further allows for the fragile flakes to continue with their magical dance.......we enjoyed the beauty of a winter storm yesterday and into this morning but the snowfall was not as great as anticipated....for this I am grateful.....the winds blew the flakes in many directions for it certainly was what we New Englanders call a Northeaster.......and today the winds continue to blow but the sun is shining and some of the snow is melting as I type.......thanks for posting and sharing this with us....a superb job my friend and I look forward to more.....be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-12-15 11:23:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Drenda, I can sense you have been playful nowadays in your poetry, huh! I mean, you are experimenting on some forms. Last time you have the haiku. And this one, a rondelet. I am not that quite familiar with this form but I can say that it is a challenging one. As far as I know, a rondelet has seven lines and always two rhymes, with the 1rst line containing 4 syllables repeated as lines 3 and 7 and the other lines containing 8 syllables. And you perfected it! And interestingly you have coupled it! Reading your piece is quite enjoyable visualizing the pretty cool imagery. Oh, I haven't experienced snowfall yet because we don't have winter season in our place. We only have sunny and rainy days. We have a tropical country. So, let me experience it with your poem. I like the use of the metaphor "White feathers floating to the ground". It is very apt because feathers are light that it would act the same. The soft fricative 'f' creates a wonderful sound serving as the melody of the snowfall. And the fricative is refrained in the 6th line "Flurries of fragile flakes around". The second rondelet is a match with the "In sunset's glow". Like the imagery of the twilight with the flurries of fragile flakes around. I read your previous submission of Snow. You made this a success. Thanks for letting me experience the snowfall. In our place we have hot sunlight, sad! SMILE! Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2003-12-12 09:16:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
No apologia necessary, and a fine job you've done with both versions working for me. Snow is our official Season here in the upper midwest, so appropo you are. Have a nice winter! I like how you have expanded this into two verses and let the images and sounds merge into a gentle snowfall. One of nature's gifts. I am happy you had the experience. Hope it wasn't a nuisance. Happy HOlidays. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-11 22:46:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Drenda--Your small changes have made these pieces true to the rondelet form. Your venture into unchartered waters turned out great after all. Keep them coming. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2003-12-11 22:38:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Dear Drenda, No need to apologize here! This is a learning place where we all can feel free to experiment and do things differently without being censored. I wouldn't know the rondelet style as I said before, but I just liked the subject! Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2003-12-11 19:40:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Drenda: You are really experimenting with form which is quite innovative and a plus. I never recall the rules for rondolets...just that certain lines must be repeated just as the rhyme scheme is preordained. I am critiquing because I love your linguistics herein and not because I have experience with the form. "Soft falling snow White feathers floating to the ground Soft falling snow Til rising winds begin to blow And whirl with wailing mournful sound Flurries of fragile flakes around Soft falling snow." Such euphony abounds in Stanza 1 and you use the F sound richly; and allits of F words in lines 2 and 6. Your metaphor of snow as feathers is perfect as they can be blown and flurried around just as snow. Line 5 is my favorite: "And whirl with wailing mournful sound". The triple allit enhances the symphonic sound but it paints a beautiful picture of the wind's picking up speed and blowing the snow in swirls and eddies. Simply grand, Drenda. "In sunset's glow White feathers floating to the ground In sunset's glow Til rising winds begin to blow And whirl with wailing mournful sound Flurries of fragile flakes around In sunset's glow." Ditto and the addition of the glowing sunset adds another dimension as until now I was imagining an overcast, grey sky. Now I imagine the tints that could be reflected in the mounds of white. The use of "floating" provides subtle assonance with all your other long O sounds...snow/ blow/glow. (I'm always listening for the sounds, as you well know). Read aloud, it sounds like a song and these would be lovely lyrics if you know someone who composes music. For a Southern belle, you limn a beauteous portrait of snow and fragile flakes, whirling flurries, etc. (More assonance). I guess we're on the same wavelength as yesterday I requested a winter poem from you and when I sign on today, here it is. I find it rewarding as a reader for there is a simplicity and purity about the poem that bespeaks the white, snowy environs and as I said, the sounds are music to my ears. Kudos for this accomplished piece and best wishes for its success! A sprig of laurel, Mell

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