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This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2003-12-13 06:39:58 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 34 (Stargazer)

Start staring the star Startle by its starry starch Starve its stark stardom

Additional Notes:
Stargazer – inspired by the faith of the shepherds and three wise men when guided by the Bethlehem Star. On the other side: How many stars do you see? Do you see ten? :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-01-06 19:21:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.36842
Well, I only see nine unless you include the title. The first line is kind of a tongue twister. Quite frankly, not as grammatically correct as the others you've written. Thanks for posting.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2003-12-31 10:40:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95833
Dear Ezrahl, I think you have outdone yourself this month with your inspiring verse. I am now having trouble deciding which one of your poems I like best. This is a bright shining star on our poetry list and at a time of year when we love to be be reminded of the gift we have been given. You cleverly incorporated the star into this piece ten times, yes I did stop to count each one. Thanks again for your lovely Christmas Gift. God Bless you and Happy New year! My Best, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: April Rose Ochinang Claessens On Date: 2003-12-18 06:05:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54545
leo, this is more like a tongue twister to me but anyway, i enjoyed reading it.i see a million stars.but early in the morning when i just got out of bed, i see more. thanks. april

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2003-12-16 21:25:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Hi Erzahl, WOW this is the ultimate of haiku!!! Americans like tongue twisters and when we hear one we usually say "try saying that three times" Well I could not do it here! I count one star in the title and 9 in the text of the poem so guess that makes 10....if I am right do I get a prize? Just kidding..no one but you has the talent and the haiku mind to write one like this...it is just outstanding! I love "starry starch"...very inventive. One can easily think of a star being starched as it has stiff appearing points and the twinkling even enhances that concept...."starve its stark stardom" I have said these words over and over outloud and I am having some trouble wrapping my mind around the meaning. Stardom can be very stark especially in a cloudless sky but I am not sure why it should be starved. Oh dear...here I go again..needing you to set me straight...how can I learn this poetry form wihtout you? Love this one I learn something new everytime I read one of these! Peace....Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2003-12-14 12:59:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Hi Erzhl, Repetition of the word star is the most obvious in this poem. I counted 9 in the poem's body, 1 in the title. I tried to get the tenth in the poem's body, but couldn't find it. When one reads this there is a plethora of stars which makes reading aloud sound very harsh as the "st" sound is something of a punching sound. (Percussive?) I tend to be very concrete in my thinking, so the imagery didn't work for me, but the idea of writing this poem in this way really impressed me. You are stretching your abilities more and more, and that is a good thing. Also, this poem had me thinking, really thinking! I counted on the diagonal, backwards, up vertically, looking every which way for the tenth star. Then it occured to me that Christ could be the tenth star. Thank you for agitating my brain cells. (They need all the help they can get these days.) I really enjoyed reading and working at this poem. Rene Fraley

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2003-12-13 11:50:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Erzahl--Quite a tongue twister you've sent in Just for TPLers critiquing pleasure I found the extra star which gave me ten "got-you" riddle an additional measure No test really needed all 'wise men' can recognize another Haiku treasure. NOTE: A very apt seasonal piece which is saturated with great descriptors/alliterations/ consonants/near rhymes. The tenth "star" is in the title-cute. Thanks for sharing your Super effort. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2003-12-13 10:18:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
No, Erzahl, I see zillion up above the sky! But here in the link I only see a single STAR who lights the site with japanese verses. And his stark stardom is starved by many! Do you know him? More than I ever know! SMILE. Your theme is timely for this Yuletide season. It brings back to memory the reenactment of the birth of Jesus. This one is fraught with starry sibilance with harmoniously triple 's' allits in each line. It is a starry nutrient (starch) of this verse! The use of "starry starch" is new to me and I can see its appropriate application. As to this reader, "starch" here is used to mean "nutrient" (starry nutrient ----wonderful!). The use of verb in each line is a new concept. The imperatives make the readers participate in the thought. Although, I have a little comment on the second line: "Startle by its starry starch" ---I suppose the adjective "startled" fits the tense because you are using "by". I am thinking of omitting "by" to make it "Startle its starry starch"! I don't know, I may be wrong (forgive me)---but it distracts me a little. But omitting "by" would distort the form on syllabication. Not sure of it, though. I apologize if I am getting ungrammatical here! But the whole concept is starry and applaudable. Thanks for the stargazing. Regards, Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2003-12-13 09:20:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Wow...look at all yor 's' words within these three little lines..... Stargazer.....how well I know these three wise men who followed the Bethlehem Star and the wonders they found along their walk that most starlit night.... I just borrowed my grandson's telescope so I could look at the stars at night, I live in an open area with a field across from the house but it also appears if I am on the deck (and I am eager for warmer weather to return) the sky above is filled with thousands of bright, beautiful stars which seem to give off colors at certain points and times.......would it not be wonderful to follow the Star that brought forth such Light to this world of ours? As always my friend you are so true to form, the words dance as one follows them along. Can you see the three wise men standing, searching the night sky and all of a sudden find this big star twinkling back at them? Indeed a creation well formed .....thanks for posting, it certainly is a good time of the year to share this with us my friend and I would send you a dash of snow if I could.........the Phillipines are much too warm though it would melt in transit......be safe, happy holidays to you and yours and may the love of God shine upon you always....God Bless, Claire

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