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This Poem was Submitted By: Stormy D Morris On Date: 2004-01-29 14:54:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Daydream

wrapped up in stars a blanket of light my pillow is the moon the air around us warm with our scent naked, weightless we float in a tangle of flesh leg over arm over shoulder over toe mingling with stardust our bodies they glow...flow the sun comes around setting the dust on fire, spreading cooled only by your sweet breath on my ear whispering your name, I somersault into sleep

Additional Notes:
This is my first posting here and the first poem I've written in years. My husband is a prolific poster and critiquer here at the link and loves it. I wrote this poem during a workers comp training about a year ago. Obviously my my mind wasn't on the new laws. Please be honest about my work, I am definitly open to constructive criticism.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Debbie L Fischer On Date: 2004-02-02 19:16:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60714
Hi Stormy, Welcome to TPL. Being the incurable romantic, I truly enjoyed this poem as you vividly describe two, enwrapped in one another, completely absorbed in love, sharing the wonder of two people connected forever in love. I like this as is and would not change anything. Deb:)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-01 20:36:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.54930
Hi Poet: Welcome to TPL and thank you forposting this piece....I enjoyed the tenderness of this poem, the softness and sensual approach you took......very nice and well done. Nothing more beautiful than love between a man and a woman and being able to express that love in poetic form is truely exceptional."a blanket of light..my pillow (is) the moon" If you take away the word is perhaps it will strengthen the line....just a thought and suggestion........."naked, weightless, we float (in) a tangle of flesh"..powerful line if you ask me......"mingling with stardust our bodies (they) glow...flow" I love the idea of stardust mingling with your two bodies....nicely done and "setting the dust on fire and I somersault into sleep" are my favorite lines. I look forward to more of your work appearing on TPL and I have no suggestions other then above for it stands on its own merit. Thank you for posting and sharing this with us...be safe and God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-02-01 17:34:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.94737
Stormy: Welcome to TPL and I hope you will enjoy the experiences here. First, your title got my attention because I have the habit and when you mention in your notes that you composed this piece during a dull training session, I really relate to you. I have done the same thing many times. My first suggestion is to keep the quatrains as they are but do not double- space between lines. This is stanzaic free verse (my favorite) but I think it will still be accessible yet more cohesive if single spaced. "wrapped up in stars a blanket of light my pillow the moon the air around us warm with our scent." A lovely metaphor in S1 to delineate you and your other sleeping in tune with the cosmos. This is a wondrous concept and nicely written. You have stars and moon and you might think of another heavenly body to use in place of light. Nebulae? Quasars? Numerous choices. Light is fine but you ask for constructive input and I think a change there might add a whisp of freshness. "naked, weightless we float in a tangle of flesh leg over arm over shoulder over toe mingling with stardust our bodies (they) glow...flow." Simply beautiful imagery. Tangle is a good word and I was struck by the agility of the lovers. Heavenly days! I don't feel you need "they"...it is extraneous. This is a harmony of sounds in S2. Rhymes of glow/flow/toe and slant rhyme with float; Assonance of star/arm and allits of float/flesh, the latter producing a delightful fricative sound. I am a "sound person" and you have tendered a symphony herein, greatly enjoyable! "the sun comes around setting the dust on fire, spreading cooled only by your sweet breath (in?) my ear whispering your name, I somersault into sleep." Very unique, creative and crisp descriptors in S3. Setting the "dust on fire" is exquisite. I think I already referred to the agility of the couple in bed and you confirm my impression with "somersault into sleep." That is a glorious phrase. In S3, you have ten sibilant sounds...Sssssss...which enhance the delivery, especially when the poem is read aloud. I am quite taken with your first poem posted here; it shows a plethora of talent and reads like a piece from an experienced poet. Your strongest points, IMO, are your abilities to limn deftly your imagery and (2) your choice of words and metaphors employing no cliche' but fresh and novel terminology. Stormy, thanks for sharing your "Daydream" with us and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Again, a hearty welcome aboard. Best wishes, Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-01 17:10:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.34615
Dear Stormy, Glad to have you here! This is a very romantic and sexual poem that is also in very good taste. I like the way that you used spacing to enhance the visual image of the poem. You did a very nice job on this "first in years", keep it up and glad to have you on the site. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-01-30 15:20:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51429
Hi Stormy, Two poets in one family how great is that?? To begin with I want you to know that I love this poem...it is soft, sweet, and sensual all at the same time. There is nothing more beautiful than unbridled love between a man and a woman and being able to express that love in the written word is exceptional...."a blanket of light..my pillow (is) the moon" You can delete (is) and make this line even stronger...."naked, weightless, we float (in) a tangle of flesh"..this is a great line..very sensual and intriguing..."mingling with stardust our bodies (they) glow...flow" I love the idea of stardust lighting two bodies and it keeps the theme of the daydream alive. "setting the dust on fire and I somersault into sleep" are my favorite lines. I hope you continue to write and grace TPL with your talent. I have tinkered with a few words but you should write it the way it feels best to you..either way it is an excellent piece. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-01-30 14:31:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.90476
Dear Stormy: You've asked for us to be honest about your work. You've made that easy for me! Simply put: I love it! It is written simply, so that its impact is greater. I love the tenderness/delicacy of it. I am a romantic at heart, and am very moved by the way you've captured the exquisite afterglow of intimacy. It is as genuine, as moving as anything I've read. You invite us as readers to find ourselves and our own experiences within your own, I believe. The 'colors' as I call them, are elegantly rendered. wrapped up in stars a blanket of light my pillow is the moon the air around us warm with our scent [Here, may I suggest that "is" could be removed, to intensify the sense of being suspended?] naked, weightless we float in a tangle of flesh leg over arm over shoulder over toe [This line enough is reason for you to keep at the writing now that you've started once more, in my opinion!] mingling with stardust our bodies (they) glow...flow [Maybe "they" isn't needed in this refined, condensed work. It doesn't 'hurt' anything, but I think the great strength of this piece is it's gemlike perfection.] the sun comes around setting the dust on fire, spreading cooled only by your sweet breath on my ear whispering your name, I somersault into sleep The four lines above are my favorites. "setting the dust on fire" is evocative and mesmerizing imagery. The image of the speaker as she somersaults into sleep, in perfect peace and with the knowledge that she is loved is a meditation in itself, an astonishment, a giving thanks. Please, please send more like this. All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-01-29 17:30:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.13333
Well, not a bad attempt at all. Good title and subject matter.I am familiar with your husband's work and you have a great teacher there. I admire REEG's work. mingling with stardust our bodies they glow...flow I have trouble with the above line, and think that it would read better thusly: ...mingling with stardust our bodies flow" This is a lovely poem of endearment. Keep it up. Thanks for posting.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-01-29 15:29:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32877
Hey that's great poem, honey! Of course, I have to think that or I'm in trouble, but...umm.. A couple of things I noticed. It could be more compacted by eliminating the double spacing, but then again that form tends to add to the weightless feeling given by the poem. I like the "leg over arm over shoulder over toe", as visual it is, it's also funny. Even viewed from the outside (which I clearly am not) it's a comforting and very thankful sort of poem. It's clear that the writer is grateful for these feelings, and is not afraid to show them. Knowing you as well as I do, that's one clear character trait. Love, REEG!

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