Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2004-02-12 14:14:45 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Senyru 132

black ants on blue tie businessman's corpse in desert vale of his making

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-02-28 04:02:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
Hi Michael, This is an interesting senryu. Why “Senryu
2” if I may ask? “black ants on blue tie businessman's corpse in desert vale of his making” --- The words you used here are effectively visualizing though I don’t know if there are double meaning or behind meaning from this entry. My interpretation is an ongoing funeral walk going to the cemetery. I just hope I got it right! “vale of his making” - I like the poetic incline of this line. Thanks for posting your experience in haiku writing. Keep it up! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-26 15:16:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.24000
Wow, this really touches the core of the humanity issue in senyru. Why did he create the vale? To hide his corpse after doing himself in, or did somebody force him to at the point of a gun? The suspense and vividness of the scene created could be no better. The color in L1 encourages the reader to move along and hints at the dark content of this excellent piece. The "s"'s in L2 hiss like a rattler, and this is carried into the center of L3. I can almost see the sidewinder there, inspecting the body. I wouldn't change a letter!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-02-25 15:59:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.66667
Wow, Michael, I don't know what to say. Your first line is great imagery. Your second line is technically correcta little graphic when attached to your first line and a perfect set up for your last line. Your last line is a deep philosophical statement. I hope to see more poems like this one its terrific. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-02-17 15:41:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Very mystical Senyru, Mikie. Perfect form and lots to think about. How is the fire in Norco? Anywhere near the college? Hope all is well -- huggers-- R

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-13 19:12:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.29412
Thus I wear the bolo and chaps no veil beneath a copse of palms a cool drink all i desire.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-13 17:26:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52381
true to form 5-7-5 ---a little dark tale it seems with the businessman being a corpse in the desert though its easy to see those black ants on the blue tie...... thanks for posting Michael...looking forward to your explanation of my misreading this one..... actually you have brought the entire scene to life ...good job...be safe, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-02-13 15:03:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This had a kick! Hi Michael! Interesting poem. The syllable count seems OK if you blur the "s" into the "c" of corpse. The image you present is very strong, certainly emotional. The guy got what he deserved, I guess or do I read it the desert was the place where he was born? Anyhoo, I like it for the impact of the imager used. Write on! Rene

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-02-12 21:24:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Michael--I love this macabre piece. I guess that makes me morbid-smile. All technicals met (5-7-5 syllables/three lines/humorous slant). Colorful descriptors and concise verbiage creates vivid imagery. Well, one little spelling hiccup; it's senryu verses "senyru." Thanks for sharing your effort. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-02-12 16:42:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.75000
Now that's a pointed senryu. I like it very much. It's very deep compared with many short form poetry. I can see a lot of death here, but also responsilibity and social commentary. Well done. Thanks, REEG!

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!