This Poem was Submitted By: Mick Fraser On Date: 2004-02-28 10:30:30 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Just Like You After recently coming back
into my life, you passed away
suddenly last April.
81 years of experience;
your traits, loves and failings
sadly I knew only a few
From the funeral home visitation
to what my siblings
have since shared
It is clear I am just like you
which makes me happy
and a I feel a sense of pride
I share your keen beliefs;
good is within us
we can do anything we put our mind to
change is sometimes pleasant and necessary
respect and integrity are important values
give to others quietly without acclaim
changing the world is a peaceful pursuit
nature should always be admired
I like to think that I am gifted
with your straight forward intelligence
not wasting time with inflammatory debates,
where reasoning and planning are simple
and always dealing with first things first
I too am very curious
but haven't traveled to 110 countries
Like you I am comfortable with my looks
even my tanned bald head
I inherited your appreciation
for the fairer sex
but as you knew
this sometimes creates challenges
The connection I feel is overwhelming
yet none of your gifts will help me now
for no matter how I try to use my innate skills
and power, like you, the perforation
in my left pulmonary valve is inoperable
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Copyright © February 2004 Mick Fraser
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-07 23:39:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
From the ironic title to the touching ending - this is a powerfully moving poem
After recently coming back
into my life, you passed away
suddenly last April.
81 years of experience;
your traits, loves and failings
sadly I knew only a few
you set the scene well in telling us in a few words of a lifetime's story
of abandoment and longing
From the funeral home visitation
to what my siblings
have since shared [with me]
It is clear I am just like you
which makes me happy
and a I feel a sense of pride
really positive feeling here which is poignant given the situation
I share your keen beliefs;
good is within us [...an important belief, yes]
we can do anything we put our mind to
change is sometimes pleasant and necessary
respect and integrity are important values [...yes, indeed they are!]
give to others quietly without acclaim
changing the world is a peaceful pursuit
nature should always be admired [interesting thought]
I like to think that I am gifted
with your [straight-forward] intelligence
not wasting time with inflammatory debates,
where reasoning and planning are simple
and always dealing with first things first
I too am very curious
but haven't traveled to 110 countries [wow- some accomplishment]
Like you I am comfortable with my looks
even my tanned bald head
I inherited your appreciation
for the fairer sex [a little old-fashioned here]
but as you knew
this sometimes creates challenges
The connection I feel is overwhelming
yet none of your gifts will help me now
for no matter how I try to use my innate skills
and power, like you, the perforation
in my left pulmonary valve is inoperable
really good analogy to end the piece on a fresh but alarming note.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-03-02 14:57:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.86111
Hi Mick,
First of all thanks for sharing this piece that commemorates the passing of your
loved one. It is somehow hard to talk about it since it once gave you a time of
sorrow about his loss. But your poem shows us the acceptance and it is a tribute
to him.
Just like you brings a lovely impact. The simplicity of your words are manifested
and makes this piece strong in its thoughts and messages. The sincerity is also
shown from your words. I could also say that the ideas you have here are original
based on your personal relationship with this person.
All I can say is this piece is nicely done with the smooth influx of your words.
I am thinking of making a piece like this that would talk about me and my father,
the differences and commonalities. Thanks in advance for the inspiration.
By the way, Mick, congratulations on your piece "For Mom". It is on my list.
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-02-29 10:41:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.83784
mick
The tenor of the piece is respectful and appropriate for a eulogy. This is more of a prose poem than anything else, as there is little metaphor. The ending is a bit unclear to me though. There is no "left pulmonary valve." Either you are speaking about the left pulmonary vein (there are two as they enter the back of the left atrium) or the left pulmonary artery - but a "perforation" in either case is nearly immediately fatal, and often the cause of death in deceleration injuries like car accidents or snow-mobile injuries and the like, where a body in motion is suddenly stopped against an immovable object which causes a tearing of a major vessel in the chest as the heart and great vessels are suddenly torqued - so I'm not sure what you're referring to. It would be helpful if this were corrected, or clarified, as the piece does not settle into a reasonable conclusion for me until that happens. Otherwise, I have no suggestions or concerns with what comes before that last line.
sincerely,
tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-02-28 20:17:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38710
Mick--This speaker has written a melancholy and heartwrenching Poem Of Address to his dearly
departed father; It is also an obvious poignant too short healing period from such a long time
estrangement just prior to the death.
The entire 3rd stanza catalogue the legacy of the father's philosophy that the speaker has taken
to heart/life (very powerful). Just a small syntax hiccup in stanza #7, line #3 (should be "know");
unless line #5 is changed to read; "...that sometimes created challenges."
The repeat and near repeats of the title (respectively)in the 2nd stanza, line #4; stanza #6, line
#1; stanza #8, line #4-serves to remphasize the theme of how much the speaker and his father are
alike. The last stanza is a "knockout" twist/turn ending that caught me completely off guard and
brought tears to my eyes: The revelation of the speaker's genetic heart problem made this reader
pause...(really emotional).
Please except my sincere apology for any misstatement(s) of your intentions on my part about what
appears to be your very private and personal effort. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-02-28 20:05:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
Mick, this is a good tribute to your father and also a good poem. I like the list of things you don't know, of things you have heard, and ways you are like him. The end of the poem where you reveal that you have the same heart defect is a good ending for a poem but sad for a life. If you decide to revise this I woul concentrate on making it more concise. Overall, I enjoyed your poem very much.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-02-28 17:55:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47826
Very emotional tale, from top to bottom. I rather think this a little lacking in poetic quality, form, rhythm. It seems quite prosy, catalectic. I feel deeply for the pouring out, and the courage required to post this. Please do not be offended by my honesty, and please correct me if you consider me incorrect. I have enjoyed many of your other works, and feel the potential is in this piece with some work applied. It almost seems "spur-of-the-momentish", a pouring out spontaneously, which is well and good to get the material in B&W. Then it needs to be caressed, fondled and loved (if you will). Please let me see/hear any re-writes. Thanks for submitting this.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-02-28 16:36:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.82353
Dear Mick,
This is a very powerful poem. I started relating to it right away as I came to know my Father and his mother very late in life. I find myself so much like them, and only wish I had taken more time to be with my Grandma before she passed. She lived 2 days drive from me, so rarely saw her. I see many of her traits in the things that I do, we shared a good laugh once when I noticed that we were both using the same hand gestures.
Then it goes to the last stanza and you hit us over the head with the unexpected. Not just a walk down memory lane and a wish for more time, but more than that, the same kind of health problem! It puts a terrefic, but sad, ending on a very good poem.
THanks for sharing and allowing me to remember my Grandmother with pleasure and sadness.
SHerri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-02-28 16:23:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Mick: The chills I have after reading this piece is over powering.........to my soul you are speaking in fine tribute to a father that was not always in your life for whatever reason but at the end of his he became an important part of your life again......for a short time he remained with you then died.......he was so young at the age of 81 years if I am reading that right.....Your tribute to your dad is wonderful and I enjoy hearing how you compare yourself to him in great length....or at least the parts your siblings have shared with you about your dad.....he sounds like a wonderful man and one to be proud of too.
The piece is structured well......you give account of bringing us to his return to your life then his death and funeral followed by his traits and characteristics that are so much like your own.....the good parts of your life which you most likely did inherit form his genes.......images also come forth from the flare of your pen as one travels down this road.......then my dear friend comes the most difficult ending to read let alone write......I take it your dad died from a faulty left pulmonary valve which was not operable and you inherited such a thing.......what a punch to my gutt you throw........I have two valves which are not repearable at this time, I have a new aortic valve though with a triple by pass and the cardio vascular heart disease shall always remain within me...does not pulmonary deal with the lungs? I unfortunately along with all the rest have emphesema and COPD.......none of my business but are you a doctor too? I often get that impression from things I might read here or on the forum..........I am hoping one day to return to Canada and make one more pilgrimage to St. Anne deBeaupre and climb those wooden stairs one more time on my knees......not for me but for so many others that I know could use a miracle in their life and if I ever do make it there my friend I shall bring my petition for you as well.......Sad as the ending seems I did enjoy this read, I enjoyed the fact you two found each other again, you did have time to share before his passing, you know in your heart he is still with you in Spirit form and will always be there for you....when I laid dying here at home, alone and so frightened , at one point an overpowering feeling came over me and I heard myself say outloud......if this is what it is like to die its okay......from that moment on the feeling of peace did not leave me and remained with me through life flight, open heart surgery, the problems which arised after, therapy, and two months away from my home......I felt the breath of God as He kissed my cheek......I know there is life after death I was there......its wonderful, nothing to fear......and if your dad could come back to say so he would......thank you for posting this piece and for allowing me to read it.....be safe my friend and God Bless, Claire
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