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I Wanted To Alone in darkness with cool air and cooler satin sheets surronding me, listening to the hum of tires on pavement and of the night insects, I think of you. The warmth of your body, the slight stuble from shaving, gently abraiding my face, shoulder, neck. And, those few precious evenings when I listened to you read poems about your father and, you standing there with half-mad eyes and tumbled hair-sometimes wearing a torn tee shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats. In those moments, I wanted to... That single afternoon in your arms supposedly learning to extricate myself from the hold you had me in but, instead, learning the feel of warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic beathing, the ways of my own body's response. Learning about fire. Endless finite mornings coming awake seeking out pens and pale-lined paper, I wrote poems about Lake Ontario and trees, storms blowing themselves out. All of those mornings, I wanted to... I wanted to tell you the truth: I never wanted you to believe me. |
Additional Notes:
An earlier version of this poem was posted on the link. I am still working on revisions trying to get about ten poems ready for this charity anthology I am participating in so would love feedback. Feel free to point out problems and things that don't work as well as things that do. Thank you, Sandra.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-29 19:20:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38776
Good structure keeping this reader following each line to the next stanza......enjoying the images you have created with the flare of your pen, drawing one to the opening stanza
Alone in darkness with cool air and
cooler satin sheets surronding me,
listening to the hum of tires
on pavement and of the night insects,
I think of you.
The above brings forth the darkness of the night with the cool air and cooler stain sheets which are surrounding you......can you hear the hum of the tires on pavement indeed you can for you created the sound with your words
night insects, I think of you.
The warmth of your body,
the slight stuble from shaving, gently
abraiding my face, shoulder, neck.
so much is said in just the opening stanza alone...
enjoyed the half mad eyes and tumbled hair effect as well ......there are so many emotions packed within these lines poet and I would not change a thing other then the words that are spelled incorrectly......but then perhaps you wrote as you felt and they just fell that way.....no big deal for you are still able to change them prior to submitting them further down.
Thank you for posting and sharing this with us....be safe and God Bless, Claire