This Poem was Submitted By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-06 21:21:08 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I Wanted To

Alone in darkness with cool air and  cooler satin sheets surronding me,  listening to the hum of tires on pavement and of the night insects, I think of you.  The warmth of your body, the slight stuble from shaving, gently  abraiding my face, shoulder, neck. And, those few precious evenings when  I listened to you read poems about your  father and, you standing there with half-mad  eyes and tumbled hair-sometimes wearing a torn  tee shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats. In those moments, I wanted to... That single afternoon in your arms supposedly learning to extricate myself from the hold you had me in but, instead, learning the feel of warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic beathing, the ways of my own body's response. Learning about fire. Endless finite mornings coming awake seeking out pens and pale-lined paper, I wrote poems about Lake Ontario and trees, storms blowing themselves out. All of those mornings, I wanted to... I wanted to tell you the truth: I never wanted you to believe me.

Copyright © March 2004 Sandra J Kelley

Additional Notes:
An earlier version of this poem was posted on the link. I am still working on revisions trying to get about ten poems ready for this charity anthology I am participating in so would love feedback. Feel free to point out problems and things that don't work as well as things that do. Thank you, Sandra.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-29 19:20:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38776
Good structure keeping this reader following each line to the next stanza......enjoying the images you have created with the flare of your pen, drawing one to the opening stanza Alone in darkness with cool air and cooler satin sheets surronding me, listening to the hum of tires on pavement and of the night insects, I think of you. The above brings forth the darkness of the night with the cool air and cooler stain sheets which are surrounding you......can you hear the hum of the tires on pavement indeed you can for you created the sound with your words night insects, I think of you. The warmth of your body, the slight stuble from shaving, gently abraiding my face, shoulder, neck. so much is said in just the opening stanza alone... enjoyed the half mad eyes and tumbled hair effect as well ......there are so many emotions packed within these lines poet and I would not change a thing other then the words that are spelled incorrectly......but then perhaps you wrote as you felt and they just fell that way.....no big deal for you are still able to change them prior to submitting them further down. Thank you for posting and sharing this with us....be safe and God Bless, Claire


This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-03-28 07:44:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78571
Hi Sandra, This poem is rife with intimate emotions that somehow brought about your feeling towards that person (I assume this is based on your experience.). The release of emotions is effectively done so that the readers also feel it. This is reinforced by the use of nice imageries and good descriptors, figurative phrases, and some poetic devices. The poem stands powerful in its intent and message. The only little thing to consider are the mispelled words like surronding - surrounding, stuble - stubble, abraiding - abrading, and beathing - breathing. Maybe you were drown by your emotions when you were writing this. Not a big deal. You have effectively started and ended the poem. It started the setting which initializes the emotion to be felt by the readers: "Alone in darkness with cool air and cooler satin sheets surronding me, listening to the hum of tires on pavement and of the night insects, I think of you." You used the sibilant hum with satin/sheet/surroundings. It give an evocative audio. The descriptors you have here are nice: "half-mad eyes", "tumbled hair" and "torn tee shirt", etc. I was a feature writer in our school before so I appreciate your use of adjectives. The second stanza ends with an ellipse from the title which makes one to ponder what it is. Somehow, this poem wants to unveil a mystery. The third stanza is so great in its descriptors. It has an ablazing fire. Kinetic! "I wrote poems about Lake Ontario and trees, storms blowing themselves out." --- wonderful line! this person should have inpired you in your writings. And the thrill of I wanted to...is unveiled in the ending. Great poem worthy to be included in an anthology. Congratulations, Sandra. Thanks for sharing. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-24 13:58:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78261
Dear Sandra, This romantic, intimate piece draws the reader in immendiately at the title, "I wanted to". There is a touch of mystery in the lines to kind of help us read between the lines a bit. The feel of it is so real that it even has texture! The cooler satin sheets, tires on pavement, stuble, just to begin with. You don't just say, I miss you, you tell all the ways. The allit of satin/sheets/surrounding adds a whispery feel. One thing that I find I stumble over is the "the slight stuble from shaving", you might consider changing to "unshaven chin stuble", or just "slight stuble" works. The description of s-2 is youthfull and full of vim and vigor. Again there is texture in your words: "tumbled hair-sometimes wearing a torn tee shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats." The repitition of the title at the end of stanza two words well. s-3 continues the texture with "warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic beathing,". That is so lovely, it makes me want to read it over and over. The repition again in s-4 is nice and the ending is superb and again mysterious. I love all the feel of this poem! Well done! Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-13 11:33:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I love thie piece Sandra - a lot of my suggestions are just typo stuff . Alone in darkness with cool air and cooler satin sheets [sp. surrounding] me, listening to the hum of tires on pavement and of the night insects, I think of you. The warmth of your body, the slight [sp. stubble] from shaving, gently [sp. abrading] my face, shoulder, neck. Lovely and evocative – you lead us so completely into the room that I feel like an trespasser! [in those precious evenings when I listened to you read poems about your father[,] standing there[, ] with [your ]half-mad eyes and tumbled hair-sometimes wearing a torn tee shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats. In those moments, I wanted to... [love that evocative ellipse…lets us fill in the blanks] That single afternoon in your arms [purportedly?] learning to extricate myself from the hold you had me in but, instead, learning the feel of warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic [sp. breathing,] the ways of my own body's response. Learning about fire. GREAT GREAT SECTION Endless [-finite] mornings coming awake seeking out [pen] and pale-lined paper, I wrote poems about Lake Ontario and trees, storms blowing themselves out. All of those mornings, I wanted to... I wanted to tell you the truth: I never wanted you to believe me. WONDERFUL ending!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-10 22:03:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.87500
Hi Sandra--Wow, what an intrigue--a read-intrigue--how 'bout that? I wanted to tell you the truth, you say--I never wanted you to believe me. It seems like your story should START there, not end. But then, that's me {laugh}. The 1st verse you are missing him--he's not there. We feel your loneliness. The tires on pavement set a mood--we feel even lonelier. It's like the whole world has someplace to go, someone to see, some activity--and we are alone with our thoughts. Good set-up. (Isn't it 'stubble' you want to say?) He reads poems with half-mad eyes, and tumbled hair, torn tee shirt--great imagery here--we know why you are captivated--not your run-of-the-mill, ordinary guy--someone very special. And you wanted to tell him the truth. You are married? You have HIV? You are bi-polar? You are escaped from a sanitarium--WHAT? What?! The afternoon you are learning about fire. Enticing poem. Full of mystery. But, Sandra, ya gotta solve the mystery. Storms blowing themselves out--my favorite line. I'm gonna be so bummed if when I finish this, every one else has figured it out. That's when I really feel stupid! Anyway, a great poem. Marcia McCaslin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Michele Rae Mann On Date: 2004-03-09 09:17:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Sandra, You had me all the way to the end, then I became confused. I thought this was a beautiful love story, but the last line confusses me. Michele Mann
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-08 04:22:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Sandra: This almost feels like Genesis. In that their seem to be two or three authors here, and you've tried to piece them together into one piece. I'm not saying that in a negative way, just an observation. I really felt the best stanza was number 3. I have some reservations about the use of the line "I wanted to..." Another poet used the ellipsis here recently, and for some reason I just don't like it. It seems cheap and I never see accomplished poets using it. Maybe that's it. It's a novice's way of achieving something she thinks she needs. I don't think you need it. The finalé is wonderful, a great turn of the truth. Let's go through the piece and see if we can tidy it up: Alone in darkness with cool air and cooler satin sheets surro[u]nding me, [I] listen[] to the hum of tires .......I'm a big fan of the active voice on pavement[,] [] of the night insects[;] I think of you[, t]he warmth of your body, the [] stub[b]le [ ] abraid[s] my face, shoulder, neck. And, those few precious evenings when I listened to you read poems about your father and[] you standing there with half-mad eyes and tumbled hair-sometimes wearing a torn tee shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats. In those moments, I wanted to - [I think the dash is much more acceptable if you want to break the train] That [single is implied by "That"] afternoon in your arms I (supposedly) learn[ed] to extricate myself from [your hold,] [] instead, learn[ed] the feel of warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic beathing, [my lust???]. Learning about fire. Endless finite mornings coming awake seeking [] pens and pale-lined paper, I wrote poems about [?] Ontario and trees, storms blowing themselves out. All of those mornings, I wanted [-] I wanted to tell you the truth: I never [expect??]ed you to believe me. see what you think. tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-07 09:30:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Possibly: (you asked for suggestions; that's all this is.] Alone in darkness with cool air - [I'd put the "and" at the start of L2, better rhythm] and cooler satin sheets surronding me, - [sp. surrounding] listening to the hum of tires and night insects, [highway is implied] I think of you - the warmth of your body, the slight [stubble-sp.] from (lack of?) shaving gently [abrading-sp.] my face, shoulder and neck; and those precious evenings when I listened to you read poems about your father, you standing there with half-mad eyes and tumbled hair - sometimes wearing a torn T-shirt, leather tie and soccer cleats. In those moments, I wanted to... [Good! - nice pause for effect here.] That single afternoon in your arms, - [comma for a little more hesitation?] supposedly learning to extricate myself from the hold you had me in, but instead - [Do you mean "the hold you had on me" or an actual physical grip?] learning the feel of warm flannel on my cheek, your rhythmic breathing[sp.], the ways my own body responds. Learning about fire. Endless finite mornings coming awake, - [endless finite seems an oxymoron?] seeking out pens and pale-lined paper;[again, I'd keep the adjective and noun connected] I wrote poems about Lake Ontario - [beautiful from here on out.] and trees, storms blowing themselves out. All of those mornings, I wanted to... I wanted to tell you the truth: I never wanted you to believe me. [Surprise ending is nice - AND STRONG!] I hope you really meant "help", and I hope I have, without being too, too critical! Best wishes with it. wl
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