This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-08 10:16:46 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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I Am Fred

I sat upon my porch and peered above the shed I spied an elf with a jaunty hat clad all in red What is your name, I asked dumbfounded? I am known far and wide as Fred, he said But where have you been?  I am confounded I live here night and day I am Fred, he said I know not of you are you perhaps pixilated? I am not a tosspot, milady, I am Fred, he said Where do you sleep wee one have you a bed? I sleep in branches neath the leaves I am Fred, he said Well then have you a bride are you wed? I had a sprite now fled as my name is Fred, he said She fled your bed because your name is Fred? That she did, milady, off she sped as my name is Fred Why would she flee since your name is Fred? My dear lady, Fred said, she favors Bob instead
Copyright © March 2004 marilyn terwilleger

Additional Notes:
This may need more punctuation but decided to leave it out in an attempt to make it flow better.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-29 22:15:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Dear Marilyn, What a perfectly delightful poem. Humorous and colorful with lots of internal rhymes. Where on earth did you come up with such a cute and funny idea? It was fun to read and a delicious break from the more serious stuff we have had lately. Thanks for sharing this funny, cute poem. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-03-13 15:26:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Oh Marilyn, just how Irish can you be before this celebrated St. Patricks Day. What a lilt, and Irish flavor you catch in this jaunty, and very humerious poem. The broag is wonderful, the sense of our little lepricaun is out of the world, then the question and the very human resonse, of course she didn't love Fred, she loved Bob. Cheer me up this fine Saturday morning. You beginning to become very diverse in your writing, this theme for instance is electric, and just speaks that certain winesome chime of Irish Foke Lore, wonderful. Your skill so broad and sweeping, wonderful. Read your Daughter critique, if that isn't fate Marilyn, then I was struck with the sense of relief, Mom is fine, she's coming out of the sorrow into the sunlight, wonderful critique. Best of luck, this St. Patrick's Day, my Greatgrandmother Mary McClure, always returns to me this time of year, and my Irish shines through, heh, heh, I even have a cane in the shape of the crooked canes carried these many years when people interperate the Irish, I always wear Green on St. Patrick's Day, always figures Granmother Mary McClure endowed me with that right, with green Irish eyes, many always thought me Irish anyway. Keep writing, it's enchanting.....Love, Jo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-12 12:25:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.16667
I am Fred.....nice .....easy flow to this one...good structure .....images of Fred being that little elf with the red hat sitting upon the top of the shed.....a fun poem to read and share with children and would most likely do well in book form with images of Fred here and there and the lady that got away for Bob.....silly girl, Fred sounded like he would be much better for her in the long run......hehehe..... I think you should consider a few sequels in which the lady friend returns after finding out Bob is not what he might have presented himself to be and Fred..... as lovable as Fred can be...awaits for her return.....then they can have little ones to share their life with.....okay poet, get busy now......hehehe... Thanks for posting and making my day....love elves of all kind, shape and sizes.....Jerry, my husband could be considered an elf at times......he is short, plump and likes to just sit around and do nothing when he is home......oh I am bad today....take care, be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-12 01:54:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.42857
There is just no end to you, is there, Marilyn?! This is so cute and fresh and brings out 'the kid' in me. It's heavy with Irish flavor -- oh and we ARE coming up on that day, aren't we? Aren't you clever. Where did you find words like 'tosspot' and 'pixilated'? My ear likes dumbfounded and confounded coming at such an unexpected interval. It sings off the page--its Irish lilt makes its own melody. You are multi-faceted and I am multi-fascinated, milady. More. More! P.S. I didn't mention the color, but this jaunty little elk is all in red. It is funny that you don't mention 'green'--but my eye sees green anyway--guess it must be the leaves--{laugh}. Marcia McCaslin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-10 22:59:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.85714
Marilyn--This one reminds me of two Dr. Seuss works: Cat In The Hat and Green Eggs And Ham. Great internal/slant/end rhymes(shed/red/;spied/wide;/dumbfounded/confounded/;Fred/said/wed/ fled/bed/sped/instead/;she/flee)combine with give and take/back and forth banter create nice rhythmic tones and vivid imagery. This is a cute fun satirical piece that needs a "wee" bit more punctuation (that you've already alluded to)to make it a tighter read: you probably left off a comma before; ",I am Fred (L #2- St #2); a comma after the 1st "...you, are..." (L #3-St #2); a comma after: "...one, have..." (L #1-St #3); a comma before; "...leaves,I am Fred (L #2- St #3); a comma after; "...bride, are..." (L #3-St #3); a comma after: "...fled, as..." (L #4-St #3). I love the surprise twist/turn in the last line. Thanks for sharing this with us at TPL. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-10 20:41:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70000
Most of the missing punctuation seems to work ok, but I think 1 o 2 places really need a comma. In L3, S2 &S3 similar to what you did in S1. I see no reason to do it there and not in the others, but it is a very cute poem - poor Fred! Nice to see some more humor here. There's seems to be nearly enough darkness and hurt in the world. Thanks for brightening mine tonight. Other than the punctuation, I see very little to change. Maybe leave "all" out of the 1st stanza, L2?? Not a biggy, though. Congrats on a fine & fun piece, Marilyn. Peace, etc. wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-09 21:10:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Marilyn, this is quite clever, it is the type of thing I would read to kids in day care when I worked there and I can picture this illustrated and used as a read along book that the kids chant along with you. The only suggestion I have is in the last line bob is a stopper it interupts the flow of the line the double b sounds are the problem how about bill instead. Overall I think you did a terriffic job with this. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Michele Rae Mann On Date: 2004-03-09 09:12:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
LOL, I love it. Michele Mann
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-03-08 23:09:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Mom, Just when I think I have you figured out..... Where in the world did this one come from :)? I sat upon my porch and peered above the shed I spied an elf with a jaunty hat(,) clad all in red - the comma helped me with the flow What is your name, I asked dumbfounded? I am known far and wide as Fred, he said But where have you been? I am confounded I live here night and day I am Fred, he said I know not of you are you perhaps pixilated? Of you I know not, perhaps you are pixilated? I am not a tosspot, milady, I am Fred, he said Just a couple of ideas. Hope you don't mind my tinkering. What a laugh I had when I saw this poem and yes, I looked up pixilated. Couldn't find tosspot though but I have a pretty good idea. Thanks for keeping me on my toes. Blessings, Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-08 10:42:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Marilyn- A relaxing turn for you, for us. Very cute. Bob
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