This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-11 13:10:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Sable Shadow Of late you command my dreams
with the same thrust you assumed
when alive. You are capricious
in my apparitions, antipode of
how you lived your life
I am past the grief of death that
haunted me for years, but am now
disturbed by your image that looms in my
nocturnal id like a tenacious incubus
The dark of midnight shakes my soul
and jars me like a fatalistic drum beat.
You cast a sable shadow around my mind
but I know not why. I fear that
you will beckon me |
|
Copyright © March 2004 marilyn terwilleger
Additional Notes:
I wrote this for my own therapy and since then I stopped having disturbing dreams of
my deceased husband.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-04-07 19:45:55
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93103
Hi Marilyn,
Those last two lines are chilling and take away my breath in a gasp of horror. This nightmarish description reflects the speaker's desire to confront her own past, manage it (as perhaps she wasn't always able to manage it at the tme when he was living) and move on. Little cues - "command", "thrust" and "antipode", for instance - imply that the deceased spouse may have been a carefully organized, and decidedly assertive, personality. In S2, "tenacious succubus" speaks of his lingering control over his wife's mind and, thus, her spiritual freedom. He is draining her of will and joy. "Shakes" and "jars" in S3 speak of her anxiety; this is not a romantic and wistful memory, but a plunge into frustration and a choking confinemnt.
You cast a sable shadow around my mind
but I know not why. I fear that
you will beckon me
Ah, yes: sable. Dense, black, warm (smothering?) like the fur for which this color is named (or is the fur named for the color?). Anyhow, it's an ominous effect, like a cloud that stifles the dreamer. She fears a return to the limitations of her previous existence, I think. But she also fears dying before she has truly begun to savor freedom. I note she says only "beckon", not "claim" or "take". The question is whether she will actually go to him if he beckons. Maybe she would have, once; is she now more in possession of her own destiny?
This poem is remarkable not only for what it says, but for what it doesn't. I'm glad that it served you well as a therapeutic exercise. Those particular dreams must have been extremely difficult to endure.
(( Hugs at Easter ))
Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-04-02 09:26:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
The loss of a life partner is one of the saddest of events we are asked to bear. I am happy to learn that writing this lovely poem helped you deal with that loss. I think that is one of the grandest purposes of poetry - to help us reflect - assess the world and help to heal its sorrows.
Sable Shadow
wonderful title – simultaneously soft and ethereal .
Of late you command my dreams
with the same thrust you assumed
[perhaps “achieved” instead of assumed as it would give you assonance with “dreams and still keep the alliteration with “alive” and be a little more forceful?]
when alive. You are capricious
in my apparitions, antipode of
how you lived your life [wonderful and flowing with meaning]
I am past the grief of death that
haunted me for years, but am now
disturbed by your image that looms in my
nocturnal id like a tenacious incubus disturbed
wow – amazing visual writing!
The dark of midnight [a little ordinary] shakes my soul
and jars me like a fatalistic drum beat. [wonderful]
You cast a sable shadow around my mind [love this I suggest ending the poem here with
A line break that has “around my mind” alone on the last line
but I know not why. I fear that
you will beckon me - this might be used earlier in the poem.
This is a deeply beautiful poem Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-26 17:10:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52632
Dear Marilyn,
Thank God we have our writing to chase away the blues, the blahs, and the ghosts! You did a very good job of describing your vivid dreams, and the grief must still be there bubbling to the surface in your sleep.
The last line is scary and brings it all together. I fear that you will beckon me. Very well expressed and I like the visualization of sable shadow.
Thanks for sharing Marilyn, I am glad that your dreams have stopped.
Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-14 12:48:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.10000
Marilyn--This for sure is Poe like: a dark 'address' which apparently served also as a catharsis
(way to go!). If the writing of this purged you of macabe thoughts/dreams which were haunting
you, then your poetic skills have come full circle (poet-heal thyself-smile). The combination
of similes "...like a tenacious incubus..." and "...like a fatalistic drum beat." creates vivid
imagery and is painful to read (great verbiage).
My favorite line of the address is; "You cast a sable shadow around my mind but I know not why."
This repeat title/allit produces a descriptive assonance that is ominous and quite poetic at the
same time.
An unreal simple but powerful ending (scary/mysterious/ominous-I love this). Thanks for the sharing
of such a personal and private effort. TLW
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-03-12 14:18:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Hi Marilyn, instant identification. Memories have to surffice wher a hug of reassurance once stood. Yes, you've described in great poetic form, one of the realities that many of us have had to deal with.
Honestly right I'm frightened of the darkness that commands sleep, for when I did sleep I had glorious memories to dream of, the the reality that the end of my life is near, scares me to a degree, yet I'm not afraid to die, just that if I do I can't bear witness to my Grandchildrens growth, or that certain individuals,from my past, are beginning to appear in my deams, almost as if they are preparing me for final breaths. The unknown factor is the most difficult for me to contend with, I think if I know the when it would easier for me. These dreams cause more reflection as to meanings, and at times is scarey.
Anywhere, wonderful once again, you wrote of all the nuances, even your notes explain the position and reason you choose this site to demonstrate a talents that is, or has been hidden in you, finally relief of the unknown, huh? Well I admire this submission, but then we share widowhood, and that is a completely different part of life, I don't believe and of us give a great thought to. Missed, yes sorely, but the moot point is we can't go back, all we can do if foreward, and sometimes we do whatever is necessary to exercise demons, ot bad vibes (dreams) in this case. Good show fello widow in heart and spirit, Love always, Jo
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-11 20:43:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Hi Marilyn--this is gripping, lured me to go back and back again. Your first sentence tells volumes about
your late husband and about how you felt about him. (Amazing to me that so few words can conjur up
so much!). We learn that he is different now than he was in life. It makes a person wonder about
the truth of things. Are we all what we want others to see (in life) but in dreams, our 'real self'
reveals itself? I don't know. This poem just poses the ideas.
The reader is somewhat relieved to know in the second verse that you are past the grief of death. We
are told "the five stages" of grief--but honestly, I think there are way more stages. They are like
the tiny pinch of spice we add to food--we can hardly tell it's there but somehow, things would taste
differently were it not added. The epitome of 'sublte'--if you will. Then in the same verse we
begin a sigh of relief--we are faced with this disturbing image that looms like a tenacious incubus.
So we have a kind-of 'yea-boo' verse. Which is good. It adds to the drama and suspense.
I like the last verse best with its shaking soul feelings and the jarring drum beat percussive feel.
Then you use your title--which at this point we certainly understand. Then--I fear that you will
beckon me and you leave us there--with no period, as though the jury is still out. Very good
as far as suspense goes and dark swirls go--not good (for you) to live with that. But apparently,
you have gotten past it and the disturbing dreams have stopped.
How long ago was it, Marilyn? And you have not remarried? Funny I should ask, since we've corresponded
for a few years. Anway--the poem is well-done and moving and pretty seductive. Marcia McCaslin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-03-11 15:03:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Marilyn,
How I am privileged to catch up your fresh submitted poem! You are the STAR last month
and we are proud to have you in the link. After reading this poem, what I observed is
that your writings are getting more and more quality. I mean the language you put in
is getting more exquisite and it I am more impressed.
In the title alone "Sable Shadow", I like its choice. The use of the descriptor "sable" is
very apt to reinforce the feeling of sadness, connoting mourning. Instead of stating
"Dark Shadow". And the sibilance 's' is haunting me.
Some words that impress me are the use of "capricious", "antipode",
"nocturnal id", "tenacious incubus", etc. They are just the perfect descriptors for your theme.
My only little suggestion is making "drum beat" a one word "drumbeat" and maybe the use of the
punctuations because in the last stanza you use periods but not in the last line.
Very well crafted. Thanks for sharing, Marilyn!
More of your good-haunting poetry!
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-11 14:38:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.70833
It worked for you. That is good. It works for me, too. That is good, also. :)
A perfect first stanza. Super rhythm and introduction to where we will be led.
The 2nd one seemed off a wee bit. Possibilities:
"I am past the grief of death that
haunted me for years, but am now" - [There seems to be a switch in the rhythm from the trochiac in L1 & L2, to the iambic of "disturbed" in L3, then to anapestic [except for the missing last stressed syllable. This random length of poetic feet seemed to distract me a little, but only in S2.]
"disturbed by your image that looms in my
nocturnal id like a tenacious incubus"
The midnight seems to create quite a disturbance in the last stanza [which is great], starting out dark. I anticipated silence at midnight, but was rudely shaken, then jarred by the "drum beat", then silenced again with the sable shadow. Interesting flip-flop. The final line concludes the poem perfectly, explaining all of the fears and terror in the midnight hour.
Maybe I am being too critical here. I did enjoy the read, and happy for you that your nights are clearer and more restful. Rest well knowing you have created and shared a very nice poem. Thanks for sharing it with us. wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-03-11 13:31:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Mom,
I'm really glad you wrote this piece and for very selfish reasons. First of all, I'm glad you have come to a point where you are comfortable saying that you are "past the grief". That was a long time coming. Secondly, the very last statement "I fear that you will beckon me", comforts me because there were many times that I felt if he had beckoned, you would have gladly answered the call. But now, for the second time in your life, you have chosen to live and for that, we are blessed and grateful.
Now, I could play armchair psychologist - but I will save that for another venue. However, I think that the idea of "sable shadow" is very interesting. Knowing you, my gut tells me the word "sable" was chosen for the "s" sound and the color it represents but it brought to mind for me the idea of a sable-colored wrap or fur stole. Hmmm - the idea of being wrapped in something so luxuriant, soft and comforting isn't all bad. Just a thought...
(I'm having a blast!)
Love,
Sherri
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