This Poem was Submitted By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-03-14 18:11:21 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Memories of Bertha

The smell of coffee, with cream and sugar, reminds me of you. One whiff and I am four again, nestled safely in your comfy lap, my ear pressed against your breast.  I like to listen as you swallow. I imagine the warmth of the brew passing from you to me.  Your coffee-coated conversation covers me in a blanket of contentment Sensations of restfulness and the purity of love engulf me. You are my grandma and I am special. You keep a treasure box on your dresser waiting just for me.  What bounty awaits my eager inspection?  Will it be a funny cartoon, a  picture of an ugly bug, a notepad for drawing, a pretty rock or a new dress for Dolly?  We have matching dollies, you and I, but somehow all of the clothes you make are for mine.  Your smile displays delight identical to mine with each discovery. You are my grandma and I know I am special. Many years have passed since I was four but the memories remain immutable. Remember when we rolled down the sand hill because I thought  fun?  Remember when we picked green beans in the garden?  They were the best green beans ever!  Remember when we rode horses, made bead belts, baked birthday cakes and canned peaches? Remember how we cried when I moved away?

Copyright © March 2004 Sherri L. West

Additional Notes:
This is my first attempt at poetry. My grandmother is the same person Marilyn wrote about in "My Husband's Mother". Thanks Mom for your advice and encouragement!


This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-04-02 23:21:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Sherri: I try to critique all of the poems I vote for in a given month. Sometimes this doesn't happen, but I must write to you - and apologize for my late response. I was so stunned for a while by your statement in your additional notes that I had to take a deep breath. Your "first attempt" at poetry! It's not, if you don't mind my contradiction, an "attempt." It is a grand work. It is a moving tribute to your grandmother that brought her vividly to me as a reader, that allows us to feel her presence from within your memories of her. My husband and I were just discussing how, after death, we "disappear" from earth (though we both believe in an eternal life with God). And how the things we do and say disappear with us, except, perhaps, for the love that we have shared with others. It is like a fire which warms the hands and memories of generations to come. That is what this poem is to me - a fire to warm my hands to, to remember your grandmother, to remember my grandmothers, to dream the dream of being remembered by my granddaughter in this way. One thing I want to say immediately is this: keep writing, keep listening to that inner voice and allowing the words to take shape. One of the qualities of this work is that it doesn't seem 'overworked' - but fresh, real, and warm. The things I especially love about it are many, but here are a few, along with a couple of minor suggestions. Always remember that this is your poem, that others may offer opinions and suggestions but you know best how to express your own vision. ********************************************************************* The smell of coffee, with cream and sugar, reminds me of you. How vividly this first line evokes scent, the taste of sweetness, the softness and warmth of the memories. One whiff and I am four again, nestled safely in your comfy lap, my ear pressed against your breast. I like to listen as you swallow. I imagine the warmth of the brew passing from you to me. Your coffee-coated conversation covers me in a blanket of contentment Sensations of restfulness and the purity of love engulf me. The sounds of "nestled/pressed/breast" are wonderfully lyrical, soft with sibilants. Also, I love the sounds of "brew --- from me to you." The slant-rhyme is sublime here. Also, the hard 'k' sounds of "coffee-coated conversation covers" -- seems to imply a substance, a form and shape to the memory making it substantial. I might take out the word "comfy" because you have already implied it. I might take out "to listen" above, because "I listen to you swallow" makes the moment NOW. See what *you* think. You are my grandma and I am special. You keep a treasure box on your dresser waiting just for me. What bounty awaits my eager inspection? Will it be a funny cartoon, a picture of an ugly bug, a notepad for drawing, a pretty rock or a new dress for Dolly? We have matching dollies, you and I, but somehow all of the clothes you make are for mine. Your smile displays delight identical to mine with each discovery. LOVE "ugly bug" - can imagine it spoken with a slight southern drawl. Wonderful assonance of u's in "funny/ugly/bug" - funny sounds in themselves. You are my grandma and I know I am special. [Many years have passed since I was four but the memories remain immutable.] I'm uncertain if this line adds greatly to this poem for me. As a reader, I am aware that you are much older now, writing the poem. As I read the poem, I feel the immutability of your memories. In your direct address in the more childlike words below, you keep me reading and involved, wanting to hear your grandmother's voice, wanting to remember with you (and to recall my own treasured times with my grandmother) -- Remember when we rolled down the sand hill because I thought (it?) fun? Remember when we picked green beans in the garden? They were the best green beans ever! Remember when we rode horses, made bead belts, baked birthday cakes and canned peaches? Each of these memories is like a bright jewel, or a colorful bead in the belts you made. Each one shines and glimmers with love, is rich with taste and visual imagery. Simply the idea of the green beans, with their intense green color and scrumptious taste, along with the color, texture and smell of the peaches - the imagery of the small bowl filled with glossy peaches before you as a child - it is all magic! The kinesthetic senses stirred by your description of rolling down the sand hill elicits a kind of rapture. And so, the final line hits with full force - the exquisite sadness of that parting, of hearing your grandmother's voice in tears. "Remember how we cried when I moved away?" How gentle and poignant. What good company your grandmother is to you still, and how her love reaches out from within the poem to light my life, too. One of the most genuinely moving poems I have read in many a long while. Brava! All my best, Joanne


This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-02 16:48:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Hi Sherri, Please allow me to read and critique your poem which scores high so far. This is your first attempt at poetry? You should be inspired Marilyn, your mom? This one is a great piece commerating your grandma. My two grandmas are in already in their second lives, this poem made me miss them. The closest to me was the mother of my father. I remember she always claimed before she was very proud of me. So sad was her death, she was drowned in the river and it was so tragic. No, I don't want to tear. That's enough. Your words show how close you are with your grandma. The first line "The smell of coffee, with cream and sugar, reminds me of you." is sweet. I am sure your grandma would start reading it with a big smile. The first stanza is just about the love of your grandma which is no compare. Our grandmas should be that magnificent that they do everything to make us special. Some are not, though. You surely have unforgettable memories with your grandma with all these hill strolling, horse riding, cake baking and so on. Thank you so much for sharing us the magnificent your grandma. And congrats for this first poetry accomplishment. Write on. Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-04-01 17:59:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.36364
Sherri- Somehow this was not on my "to do" list, but when I voted for the first time, I noticed it, clicked on the link and voila - Really nice pictures and feeling drawn out for us here. The scents and smells of a gramma's kitchen, the garden and horses - all wonderful. If I had a complaint it would be the visual spacing in the last stanza. But the ending, a question, leaves the reader wondering about that story - the story of the rest of your life. We want more! Bravo. tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-22 15:52:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
This is a very nice piece of work for a beginning poet. It has the necessary imagery [it could stand more], an abundance of emotion, and a rhythm that makes for an enjoyable read. Reminiscences are easy to come by, but sometimes difficult to put into words. You have done a commendable job. Your descriptions, sights, sounds are very nicely done. I see a fine use of alliteration in S1, with the hard c's; then again in S2 with the s's and d's near the end of that stanza. I like, also, the additional word in the 2nd "You are my grandma..." line. However, I think S3 needs a little tweaking, because I think you should help the reader remember his/her "grandma" by more sights, sounds, smells, even touch instead of telling him/her to "remember". In other words, lead the reader with description, not coercion. I hope this helps and does not discourage you in any way, for I see excellence oozing out of this piece, out of your heart and mind. Please write on. Thanks for contributing at TPL. wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-03-20 12:14:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Sherri, This is a marvelous and very honest tribute! Congratulations for writing it, and drawing the reader right into the scene. There are so many personal details, each one specific and clear. You also have a delightful gift of metaphor: "Your coffee-coated conversation covers me in a blanket of contentment". Not to mention excellent use of alliteration, done well but not OVERdone. The series of questions in the middle strophe are tumbled together in just the way a child would ask them. I loved the "matching dollies" observation! It reveals so much about the grandma's love for her little one. I might suggest changing "displays" to a more vivid verb as it's kind of just ... "there" if you know what I mean. Maybe "radiates", which would add to the "d" sound series? Not a biggie, though! I'm also not sure you need "immutable" as you're proving this throughout the poem. Again, not a big deal. The shift to past tense in the closing strophe is a surprise, implying a change in circumstances (which is an accurate assessment for the reader to make) and the final line - again a question - is filled with pain. But you do get to ask it, which implies that she is still living. So there's an unstated element of hope there. This is a remarkable poem and for a first effort, "wow"! When I made a reference to your own writing in my crit. reply to you, this is what I meant, knowing I'd be critiquing this piece soon (I've read it a couple of times already). I do hope there will be more to follow. Tanner's mom, right?? Welcome!!! Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tanner Dale West On Date: 2004-03-16 18:22:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I am so proud of you for submitting this poem. I was surprised to find your poem witten as free verse...only because that I would normally expect a first poem [submitted to others for review] to be a more traditional, rhyming, metered, etc... effort. One of the things that I especially enjoyed was your use of all of the senses to remember your grandmother: Smell -"The smell of coffee" Touch -"nestled safely in your comfy lap, my ear pressed against your breast" Hearing -"I like to listen as you swallow" Sight -"Your smile displays delight" Even more importantly, you are speaking directly to your grandmother...it seems to be an intimate portrayal...it is a window that I am glad you left open for me to look through. One of my favorite lines in your poem is "I like to listen as you swallow". Something as simple as this is so important because it illustrates to the reader just how important she is to you...just how much you love her. To me, it is the little, seemingly insignificant details [like this] that convey the real messages of feeling. Likewise, I also enjoy the objects you remembered (treasure box...). Grandpa had a treasure box...and I have one too. Again, such a detailed memory reinforces the significance and genuine nature of the words. I like the flow of the poem. First, you simply remember her presence. Second you remember the surroundings, and last, you remember specific activities. I think this was well thought-out, and genuinely drafted from the heart...That is what writing poetry is really about. The bonus is remembering and sharing with those of us who never had an opportunity to create thos memories with her. Your strongest line is the last line. It leaves an impact that is true the theme of the poem. Well done! Thank you for remembering the details...the little things that are really so big to you. Tanner
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-16 17:37:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51613
Hi Sherri---You were "slipping away" on my list--you were at the bottom where the 1's live! I knew one more entry at the top, and you'd be gone. I read this the other night and it is very reminiscent of your mother's poetry--at least some of it--she is very versatile in her writing. This is a "macaroni 'n' cheeze" poem--every line full of memories for me (as well as you) and every line like a mouthful of mac 'n' chz or whatever "comfort food" appeals. You have managed to "hit" on the core of the memory bank, because when we write pieces like this, I think we tend to want to include everything because everything is so noteworthy--and at least, speaking for myself, I want to tell it all. But, I, too, have to take the wheat from the chaff. You tell your story in 20 lines, and that seems like about the "right" length for a piece like this. Because you tell us twice "You are my grandma...and I am special" makes IMO the poem hinge on those two lines, and I like the way you add "I know" to your second line. coffee-coated conversation covers me in a blanket of contentment Great alliteration--personally, I love the hard c sound. Your smile displays delight identical to mine with each discovery. Here, you are putting your d's to good use. Remember when we rolled down the sand hill because I thought fun? Is this a typo? because I thought {it was} fun? Maybe it's just my copy. bead belts, baked birthday cakes and canned peaches? more b's, used well and the hard c again. My mouth waters when I reach this line! Poignant ending--standing with emphasis on its own heartbreaking line. You and she, crying together when you had to move. Nice effort, Sherri--colorful, flavorful, easy-reading rhythm--emphases in the right places. Keep it up! Thanks. Marcia McCaslin
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-16 10:29:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.21739
Hi poet, welcome to the link .......it is refreshing to find this piece on my list of poetry this morning......first though please know if you are looking for somthing other then gut feeling, you will need to search out other critiquers for I respond from what I feel within my heart...... Your opening line brings us into perhaps grandma's kitchen with her morning cup of coffee of perhaps it is an afternoon delight in which she is spending time with her granddaughter......a very special time indeed and your words bring forth such an image and the delightful aroma of the coffee as well.....in reality though poet we understand that you are no longer that little girl of four but a woman in your own right and this is your kitchen with your cup of coffee which brings forth the images and smells presented here.....a job well done for sure.... the following lines of the opening stanza are just a wonderful experience, to feel so comfy in one's grandma's lap, to hear inside as she swallows......at present I am with a metal valve in my heart due to a faulty one of course and open heart surgery and when one leans into my chest they can hear the soft.....tic, to, tic, toc effect it brings forth and I wonder if my own grandchildren will remember hearing this in years to come.......thanks for the thoughts here poet, again, well done...... You are my grandma and I know I am special. How often today does a grandchild, whether son or daughter, take the time to tell their gramma they are special in their eyes and in their life.......perhaps my amber would......she is filled with love and looks just like it it is so scarry....hehehe...poor child....... What a treasured possession to mave matching dollies with gramma and clothes that perhaps she has made for both of them........something to pass down in years to come.....how lovely these thoughts are and the images you once again have put forth.......in closing I love the remember memories you put forth talking with gramma even if perhaps she is not there with you now.....her memories are, her love is still there and the images are every life filled.......you know how to take a thought poet and go with it.....to create what was from your past for you certainly have brought this reader there to not only see gramma, to feel her love surrounding you and to smell the coffee that she enjoyed then and you enjoy now.... For a first attempt at poetry you did yourself proud and I am sure your mom is the first to tell you so. Looking forward to more of your work being posted here on the link. Be safe my friend, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-03-15 19:17:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Hi Sherri, Welcome. And indeed, well come! I liked this poem. The imagery was clear and easy to picture. As I read the poem, it moved forward well and I didn't get "brought to a halt" as I read, trying to figure something out. I don't know if this is "poetry" or a prose poem, and i don't care. It's lovely to read. The repetition in the poem seems to set the mood for me, as it establishes the relationship itself as being "special". keep on writing, Sherri. I like the flow of your words. Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-03-15 16:31:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
Oh Sherri, the honesty of the proclaimination sure makes this poetic. If like your Mom you develope the family talent, we at TPL will indeed be fortunate. Each essence of your Grandmother and the bonding that was so strong came through so well, the persona of her is the most loving tribute a Grandmother could hope for when it comes to a common bond of shared love, and how she meet your expectation, eh? She met you in your games, sewed dool's clothes yet you ended up with all of them, the box holding the treasure, not necessairly great fortune, but a part of that something that cemented and bonded you together. I think for me, the warmth of her lap, smeeling the cooffe smell, listening to it's journey as she swallowed, her heatbeat, your heartbeat....wonderful protrayal, and evidence of the love, then the move, and it changes, doesn't it, a remose and great feeling of longing, missing the person so close, now to be far, and a life lesson, nothing is forever, and our flecibabily is adjusting, yet the love never changed. You more then carried the intent strongly Sherri, it's a poeam I hold near and dear, as I've had to adjust to my two youngest Grandmothers surrended, now being raised by a niece, so many stories, so many emotions, such longing, oh for sure instant identification....you are a wonderful Mother's daughter. Good luck and Best regards, wonderful first attempt, keep in there, a definate talent shows...Joanne Morgan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-14 23:26:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Oh my goodness, Sherri! This poem makes my eyes sting. I love it! Your Mom is Marilyn? Well that explains alot. You have shared amazing insights, not unlike your Mom. I love "coffee-coated/conversation/covers/contentment",your alliteration blows me away. These memories are the kind that remain with you a lifetime, shaping perceptions about what a Grandma should be, and warming the hearts of everyone here at TPL. What a great new addition to the link you are. Thanks for sharing this lovely , poignant memoir. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-14 20:09:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.26667
The smell of coffee, with cream and sugar and I am four again, nestled safely in your comfy lap, my ear pressed against your breast. I like to listen as you swallow. the warmth of the brew passes from you to me. Your coffee-coated conversation covers me restfulness and the purity of love engulf me. Sherri, I hope you don't mind I went through and condenced your first stanza to demonstrate that one way to convey emotions and ideas more powerfully in poetry is to remove extra words and to just say things without explaining that it is a memory or a thought or whatever. I think the rest of the poem could also use the same tightening. I want you to know though that I think this is terriffic poetry. Your imagery is fantastic and touches on all of the sences. The sence of smell is the sence most strongly correlated with both emotion and memory so starting with the coffee was great. The details of what you remember about your grandfather are also great they allow the reader to come to know him even as you knew him and to miss him as you miss him. Great job. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-03-14 20:08:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.29412
Hi Honey, I am so happy to see you posted this poem...the first one is somewhat difficult as you are never sure it is exactly what you mean to say until it is read by the rest of us on TPL. You are a welcome addition to this family of poets and I know they will wrap around you and mentor you just as they have me and Tanner. If I had not known you were intending to write about your grandmother I would have know the minute I read your first line...."coffee coated conversation covers me in a blanket of contentment" beautiful line with a clear image of grandmother and child. I remember how you loved the treasures she had for your inspection and how you were so excited when you knew the two of you would go to her dresser to look at them. My memory of your down hill roll in the sand is just as acute as yours. I don't remember how old she was then but surely past the age of rolling down a sand hill! The day we moved away to another city was as gut wrenching for me as it was for you. I could hardly bear to leave her. Thanks for posting this lovely tribute to your grandmother and also for taking me on another journey with the two of you. My heart is now in my throat and tears are brimming. I hope you will continue to write and post here as you have many more wonderful stories to tell, and don't be shy about sharing the sad times, as well because that is why we are here. Love always....Mom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-14 18:27:52
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Sherri, I am Sherri too! This is the kind of poetry I really like, one rich with feeling, emotional highs and one that draws me to it. First, because I am a Grandma, and I want my grandkids to feel this way about me. I plan special things for them, do things with them, and most of all give them all my attention when they are with me. The last line: Remember how we cried when I moved away? This line especially means a lot to me as my kids are not close to me in the physical sense. I have four in Alabama, 2 (soon to be 3) in Indiana, 2 in Germany, and 1 (soon to be 2) in the same town with me. That is all subject to change when Rodger's tour of duty in Inidanapolis recruiting will be over and they will be leaving, and when my daughter-in-law, granddaughter and thier new baby leave here to be with my son in San Diego. My kids really love it in Alabama so there isn't much hope of them moving back. I just make the most of my time with them when I can. Anyway, sorry to ramble, welcome to the Link, and glad to have you with us. The Other Sherri
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