This Poem was Submitted By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-03-15 10:18:07 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Splendor of Fire

I gather woods and ignite fire cook rice and frizzle bacon. The meal is served. Furnace flares;  The warmth of winter.  Kiln kindles;  The strength of bricks. Fire sets my heart ablaze Lighting the place I dwell you There I built a window So I can pipe at your effulgent eyes. There I put a door So I can knock and talk to you. There I planted lilacs, When I'm suffocated I would scent there aroma  and be revived again. Thank you for enkindling the fire inside my heart. 

Copyright © March 2004 Jordan Brendez Bandojo

Additional Notes:
A dedication to my muse.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-06 21:00:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69091
Hi Jordan--this could well be a dedication to your muse--but also a very strong dedication to your lover. Your pictures are colorful and ablaze with the fire you "play with." When I read: "cook rice and frizzle bacon" my mouth waters and I can almost smell the food. The word "frizzle" is very poetic and teases my 'known' vocabulary which is what I long for in poetry! Furnace flares; The warmth of winter. Kiln kindles; The strength of bricks. The 'f's' and the k's' are delightful and add to the warmth and glow of the whole piece. "Fire' 'ablaze' 'lighting' all add to the feeling of fire in the poem--you have used synonyms to enhance the mood and feeling you are portraying. There I put a door So I can knock and talk to you. wonderful metaphor AND rhyme which is pleasant to the ear right about there! There I planted lilacs, When I'm suffocated I would scent there aroma and be revived again. Ahhhhh--there are the cool, fragrant lilacs--almost the exact opposite of fire--when you are suffocated (from the flames) you will smell the scent and be revived. I always like to see the use of opposites -- in both poetry and songs. They work well. (don't you mean: their aroma? "Enkindling' is an excellent word for an excellent ending.--I still think this should be dedicated to your lover. Thanks for a great 'read'. Best, Marcia McCaslin


This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-06 01:57:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Hi Jordan, Wow, when it comes to romantic / metaphoric theme, you are top-notch! Again, you keep my jaw dropdown in amazement! Here in “The Splendor of Fire”, as if you have placed a continuous chimney on my heart and mind that will never stop the smoke because it was flamed by your unforgettable words. On the first two stanzas, the vision of “wintertimes” is so clear. And that the power and control of fire just made it appropriate and timely. I also like the “built” of windows and doors, on how it represents your constant presence and comfort of your company. And lastly, I find the finale of planting lilacs as one sweet climax and dedication. You have finished it in excellence! I like the use of the word “enkindling”, I find it everlasting! Thanks again Jordan for another “quality” work! Yes, truly splendid! As always, Erzahl :)
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-31 16:26:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25806
Sounds like a nice place. Smells good Too! I will be over for breakfast one day soon. tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-27 10:59:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.79310
Jordan, this is a fine poem due partly to the fresh use of language so I will atttempt to critique it without making suggestions that would dilute the novelty of some of the word choices of phrase costruction. The Splendor of Fire ["Splendor" is one of my favorite words so you drew me in with the title] I gather woods and ignite fire cook rice and frizzle[a combination of "fry and "sizzle" we can hear the bacon crackling and smell it so strongly it makes this bacon avoider wince : } The meal is served. Furnace flares; The warmth of winter. Kiln kindles; The strength of bricks. [love that strong analogy and the f and k alliteration!] Fire sets my heart ablaze [a little ordinary] Lighting the place I dwell you [i dwell you.... is wonderful !" There I built a window So I can pipe at your effulgent [not quite the right word] eyes. There I put a door So I can knock and talk to you. There I planted lilacs, When [I] suffocate[-d] I will scent [their] aroma [or I will smell the aroma there] and be revived again. ["revived" implies a rebirth so your don't really need "again" but if you want a continum of revival I suggest "again and again" Thank you for [kindling] the fire inside my heart. The last line is not as fresh as some of the others so I suggest you find a stronger way to end this remarkable piece. best Rach
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-23 20:35:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52941
Dear Jordan, This is a very nice dedication to your muse. I liked the idea of fire, fire can do so many things, all of the things that you mentioned but also fire up our imaginations, get our creative juices running freely. The alliteration works very well, and I liked that part very well. The only thing that I would think of changing would be in the last line. I would substitute enkindling with just kindling. Your muse is obviously very busy helping you out. Thanks for sharing. Nice to hear from you and to read one of your poems. Sherri
This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-03-16 20:26:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Hi Jordan, Fire is such a wonderful metaphore and symbol, and can be used in many wonderful ways in poetry. here you have presented us with the fire in the stove, which nourishes us. Then you present the fire of the furnace, which warms us physically, and the fire of the kiln which nourishes creativity. Finally, you give us the fire of the heart, of love. Line two in the 4th stanza needs a little bit of "tweaking". I have an image of the loved one being held in your memory or mind for you to look at mentally. "Lighting the place I dwell you" - Did you mean the place you hold her in memory? "There I built a window So I can pipe at your effulgent eyes." I'm ashamed to say I don't know what "effulgent eyes" means. I looked it up in my dictionary, but couldn't find it. I got the sense of "weeping", but that's a guess. Maybe if you said it a little simpler it would work a bit better? Also, how did you intend to use "pipe"? I didn't know if it was a musical pipe, a copper pipe, or a typo for "peep". In line 9 there is a typo which is easily fixed. Now, all that said, I think this poem is lovely. It reads well out loud, most of the imagery is clear, and the emotions you are feeling come through very clearly. The flow is excellent. I would be so honored if my husband had written something like this for me, and very grateful. She is a lucky lady. Rene
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-03-16 16:19:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Hi Jordan, Wow is this sizzling hot poetry! I see your relationship with your muse is definately intact. *smile* "The Splendor of Fire" is such a great name for this piece. "I gather woods and ignite fire cook rice and frizzle bacon. The meal is served." mmmmmmmm I'm hungry for more of this! Frizzle is such a great word to use here. "Furnace flares; The warmth of winter. Kiln kindles; The strength of bricks." What wonderful alliteration you give us here and I also love that phrasing as well-(warmth of winter) "Fire sets my heart ablaze Lighting the place I dwell you There I built a window So I can pipe at your effulgent eyes. There I put a door So I can knock and talk to you. There I planted lilacs, When I'm suffocated I would scent there aroma and be revived again." I'd say your heart is definately intact and more-a beautiful place to keep your muse! This stanza goes along with the phrase 'home is where the heart is'-only turn it around and say 'heart is where the home of your muse is'.*smile* You always have a place to go back to, where you can enjoy the passion of your muse. Lilacs are one of my favs. I do have one slight suggestion. I think you meant "their" instead of "there" in line 9 of S3. Jordan this is quite lovely. Thanks for sharing it with us. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-03-16 10:15:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.21739
Opening stanza fills my area with a wonderful aroma of bacon cooking on a warm fire.....the rice a part of the meal and the wood carrying a smell of its own.....nicely done poet..... Second stanza gives me the feeling of winter still being in the air as the furnace kicks in early in the morning light when the temperatures still dip below freezing causing the chill to be removed from the air....again, nicely done with your choice of words and scene which comes from those words. Fire sets my heart ablaze Lighting the place I dwell you There I built a window So I can pipe at your effulgent eyes. There I put a door So I can knock and talk to you. There I planted lilacs, When I'm suffocated I would scent there aroma and be revived again. Love the way you keep your must within the fires of your heart, safe and warm from the outside chill so to speak, a place where you are free to come and talk anytime your heart so desires, love the smell of lilacs also and the fact that you planted some , knowing in your heart when your must is content the aroma fills your area as the bacon in the beginning has filled mine and that all is right within your world of poetry and words......how pleased your must must be to read this fine piece my friend, well structured, superb word choice and flow allowing this reader to feel the impact your must has on your life......Thank you for posting and sharing, be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-15 17:22:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67568
You are prolific, Jordan. Keep 'em coming. I enjoyed this, but detected a few things I think might need a little help. Hope I am correct. First, I truly enjoyed the sentimentality and emotions flowing all through this piece. It is great and sharing such warmth and beautiful imagery is more than one could expect. Your muse should truly appreciate this. I loved the "frizzle" instead of frying, or whatever else one might do to the bacon. I gather woods and ignite fire - [does "woods" need to be plural??] Lighting the place I dwell you - [a little confusing, "...I dwell you"?] I would scent there aroma - ["their aroma" - the lilacs, not a place where you smelled them?? Could be either.] By the way- lilacs are one of my favorite flowers and aromas. Beautiful poetry, Jordan. Thanks for sharing.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-15 12:30:18
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30769
Jordan--Excellent poem of address. This piece is saturated with fresh nonliteral expressions and rightly so: the poetics and figurative language are a must for dedication to an 'inspiration'. The scribe and or speaker has done well also with allits (furnace flares; kiln kindles). I may have also noticed two very tiny syntax problems: in lin #2 of stanza #3 (Lighting the place I dwell "in" you- or something appear to be awkward) and in line #9 of stanza #3 (I would scent there "their" aroma...). Other than this, a great read. From what I've read from you, your 'muse' has been with you! I apologize if I misunderstood your intentions. Thanks for sharing your effort. TLW
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