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This Poem was Submitted By: Rebecca Lee On Date: 2004-03-15 11:51:13 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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BackStroke

take me back moments first words blonde curls brown spirit~filled soulful eyes sweet breath that gorgeous smile… ~~ oh baby my baby a love of my life i love where you have gone still where have you gone? be still… for a moment take me back

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-20 16:29:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.27273
Rebecca what works best in this poem is all of the specific detail in the first stanza it gives us an image to hold on to when we get to the line take me back. We can go back with you because you painted such a nice picture of that time. The structure of the poem this thin line that flows down the page works well for you it helps to convey that time itself is flowing and taking us with it. Then at the end the poem thickens up like time doubling back on itself-nice job. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-16 18:54:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51613
Hi Rebecca Lee---THIS BEGS to be put to music and be a song. If you have a musician friend, please collaborate and see what you come up with! Your lines are short and 'breathy'--very sexy--and look how you've separated the verses with little "thing-e-o's" what are they called--we put them over the 'n' in Spanish language. BackStroke for the title--and take me back for the theme. where you have gone---then: where HAVE you gone? recalling moments is enchanting for this reader--blonde curls, soulful eyes, sweet breath, gorgeous smile. This is a Song! For Britney or Whitney or JLo. It just needs that great pop beat underneath--and you're on your way. It's light as a feather--as refreshing as the aroma of mint-- a catchy any pop tune. You better go for it! Marcia McCaslin

This Poem was Critiqued By: Emma Quinn On Date: 2004-03-16 15:14:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Rebecca, I do like the inherent tension in the title as you've got it set up (BackStroke) -- multiple levels to read there. I wonder if the tension in the lines could be wound up a bit tighter to carry on the idea. Maybe it's just me but the multiple adjectives when you get to brown/spirit-filled/soulful/eyes kind of overburden the spare feeling of loss that the title and the earlier lines create. Just a thought... take me back moments first words blonde curls brown spirit~filled soulful eyes sweet breath that gorgeous smile. . . Thanks for sharing this one! Emma Quinn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-15 22:24:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68421
Thanks for posting this sensitive and rhythmic [almost musical, though I think sad] piece. It, through its form, drags the reader magically down into depths of emotion. These lines: "oh baby my baby a love of my life i love where you have gone still where have you gone?" make me think this is really about the loss of a new-born. If so, I feel your pain, even though we know there are no returns. Rebecca, I cannot make any suggestions. I know this comes from your heart, and mine cannot begin to know - . Best wishes for peace and happiness. wl PS: If I read wrong, please forgive me.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-03-15 13:14:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.71429
Hi Rebecca, Oh, if we could only hold on to those precious moments! They seem to slip through our fingers like so much sand. I like the way you have arranged this piece on the page - it reminds me of sand through an hour glass -passing a little at a time but always, always passing. I spent the weekend with my 7 month-old grandson (our first overnighter)and I absolutely marveled at the many ways he has changed in just 7 months. I really enjoyed the images you presented. Thanks for posting. Blessings, Sherri

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