This Poem was Submitted By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-17 11:50:17 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Search and Seizure in the Ache of Day
They are dreaming
in the peeling hallway
hidden behind beams, dizzy
with designing philodendron,
Persian rugs, distressed oak.
The man and women whisper
in quick breaths
while the motivated agent sweats
in the aqua kitchen
hot in her silk-lined blazer
hot from hammering
repossession signs
and gloomy salesmen
The manicured man bends
his stiff suit
picks up something shining
– a diamond – fallen from the head
of a unicorn – a diamond set in pink feathers
and soiled dreams
Phantom wings open
bare cupboards
something is singing
perhaps it is a hinge
in the vacant vestibule
or the mangy calico kitten
left in the abandoned cellar
without papers
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Copyright © March 2004 Rachel F. Spinoza
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-04-04 18:11:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.35484
Rachel, your discriptions are beautifulthe details so exact that I am standing in the kitchen with the aent and I am sweating too. You manage to fill this peice with sorrow or regret the picture of the house seems so abandoned all I can think about is someones dreams dying in that place before we got to this point. Very nice job. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-03-31 14:23:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25806
I'm the kitten. I'm the kitten.
it feels breezy. close the doors.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2004-03-25 13:58:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
Dear Rach,
You aren't talking about me in the title are you?
Search and Seizure in the Ache of Day
They are dreaming (somehow I need this they more defined)
in the peeling hallway
hidden behind beams, dizzy
with designing philodendron,
Persian rugs, distressed oak.
The man and women whisper
in quick breaths
while the motivated agent sweats
in the aqua kitchen
hot in her silk-lined blazer
hot from hammering
repossession signs
and gloomy salesmen
The manicured man bends
his stiff suit
picks up something shining
– a diamond – fallen from the head
of a unicorn – a diamond set in pink feathers
and soiled dreams
Phantom wings open
bare cupboards
something is singing
perhaps it is a hinge
in the vacant vestibule
or the mangy calico kitten (poor kitty--even I how am a sucker for kitties think this is a tad too much somehow)
left in the abandoned cellar
without papers.
I am intrigued by this poem sensing somehow it is about immigration. But I would like to feel this poem more, be immersed in it rather than an observer of anger and violation.
Love Ms. Day
This Poem was Critiqued By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2004-03-18 17:23:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Very good use of imagery here, especially in the middle two stanzas. Nice visual energy displayed in the last several lines of the concluding stanza and the double meaning of the last line of the poem works very nicely from my perspective. Wonderful use of alliteration throughout the piece as exemplified by the "d" sound in the opening stanaza and "c", "s" and "v" in the last. I like the allusion to property repossession and how you see it in a negtive light as illustrated by the last two lines in stanza two. The unicorn is an apt touch and image here and establishes a feeling of wistful abandonment here that grabs and holds the heart of the reader hard and fast. The use of "designing" in front of the flowers in line four of the first stanza works nicely although it may personify the flowers in a way that may divert more grammatically-inclined and literal readers. "Distressed oak"--- fantastic, fantastic, fantastic.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-03-18 14:26:50
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Rachel:
I have read and come back to this poem several times. Each reading
yields more; as in the instance of really good music, one hears
and feels in greater depth with each repetition.
In these lines, I am struck with the concept "gentrification":
They are dreaming
in the peeling hallway
hidden behind beams, dizzy
with designing philodendron,
Persian rugs, distressed oak.
The most moving lines in the poem for this reader -
– a diamond – fallen from the head
of a unicorn – a diamond set in pink feathers
and soiled dreams
One can easily imagine the 'unicorn' - as a symbol of magic, joy and childlike innocence.
It is so sad that the dreams from such a one are likely shattered. Repossessed homes for
profit, dreams for the taking.
Phantom wings open
bare cupboards
something is singing
perhaps it is a hinge
As always, your superb crafting - the poem stings more for its lyricis.
The "bare cupboards" speak volumes. When only hinges are left to sing,
something has been killed. The "phantom wings" may belong to broken ghosts
or melancholy angels.
in the vacant vestibule
or the mangy calico kitten
left in the abandoned cellar
without papers
These lines imply that the owners may have lacked the funds to feel an extra
mouth - even a small one. "without papers" may allude to so-called pedigrees, or
perhaps the lack legal status of those who have immigrated to safety and/or
in the hope of feeding their families and obtaining medical care. So often
these dreams are shattered.
I haven't done justice to this. It makes me long for social justice, as well
as the ability to change things by opening hearts and minds as you so often
do.
Magnificent and sad. Brava!
My best to you,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-03-18 11:36:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Roni,
Really, really wonderful poem with all the trademarks i've come to expect from you: exquisite phrasing, delightful imagery, and so much imagination - another landscape, emotion, moment transformed. For some reason i keep reading "Ache" as "Ach," and that German word keeps going off in my head. And I don't know German.
Well, you have my Numero Uno for the month. But I have as much "weight" as a mendicant on Market Street.
Love this one,
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-03-18 11:25:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Oh my! What imagery. I'd love to print this, then sit down and paint the scene(s) upstairs and down, in precise watercolor detail. Of course, since I'm only familiar with oils (and that a long time ago) it's not a feasible response.
They are dreaming
in the peeling hallway
hidden behind beams, dizzy
with designing philodendron,
Persian rugs, distressed oak.
Terrific use of assonance here, all the long-e sounds of dreaming/peeling/beams. The alliteration is also notable, and not always a device you use - h, b, d, p. "Distressed" is such an appropirate modifier for the oak because the whole process is a "distress sale", given its nature. Yet the clients dream of their own decor, little caring about previous tenants' tragedies. Not for the the worry over meeting mortgage payments. Nor would they ever own an unpapered cat!
The man and women whisper
in quick breaths
while the motivated agent sweats
in the aqua kitchen
hot in her silk-lined blazer
hot from hammering
repossession signs
and gloomy salesmen
The "motivated" agent is a twist, as usually it's the owner who's motivated to sell; we know that the previous owners of this place must have been traumatized beyond belief and have left unqillingly. I get the feeling they might have been older people; who else would tolerate an "aqua" kitchen (shades of the 1970s!). Those "repossessions signs and gloomy salesmen" tell their own tale. Use of "hammering" as a verb is both forceful and ironic; one normally would not associate silk with this action. She's a tough cookie, all right.
Nice use of slant rhyme with breaths/sweats. I notice a fiar bit of sibilance incorporated, too, like the sighing of breathing and steam. Nice touch!
The manicured man bends
his stiff suit
picks up something shining
– a diamond – fallen from the head
of a unicorn – a diamond set in pink feathers
and soiled dreams
There's something mystical about this image. It suggests a lost innocence, the unicorn being an untouchable icon from virginal youth. I'm also seeing it as a remnant from some theatrical production, in which pasted gems and feathers might have adorned various props. Possibly the previous owners were stage actors, fallen on hard times with the dominance of film. "Soiled dreams" - when given a sideways glance - almost looks like "soiled dramas". Just a trick of my eyesight! The use of "manicured" and "stiff suit" is at odds with such a tattered fragment from a more colorful age. He would never understand this, we believe. But maybe he does ...
Phantom wings open
bare cupboards
something is singing
One can hope that the man, as well as the speaker, is party to this strangeness. That the feathered "diamond" shifts his inner sight into another place and time. The house may indeed be haunted. It's making him aware of its own personality. Do the wings belong to spiritual beings? Lost vaudevillians?
perhaps it is a hinge
in the vacant vestibule
or the mangy calico kitten
left in the abandoned cellar
without papers
You close with the more prosaic explanation, the one this man probably will accept. The aura of abandonment falls over everything and we mourn for the kitten, calico like the motley of the stage, "without papers" and therefore, of small value to these people. Readers are left with a sense of concern about this small creature. He seems the last vestige of that vanished tenancy.
I love this poem, for many reasons! Imagery is sharp and vivid; theme is haunting (literally); characterization is skilfully done with a few telling strokes. Diction matches content very effectively, too.
Brava,
Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-17 22:24:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60784
Wow, Rachel. You have fit an abundant supply of exemplary imagery into a small space here. This is great stuff!
The hardness of the "d's" softened by the flowers and the Persian rug in S1, is superb.
The action and the sparkling of the diamond in S3 work wonders. Then the "phantom" and the "singing" of a squeaky "hinge" or "kitten" create such sounds in my mind.
I find no fault at all. Onto the list with it! No sense wasting any more time seeking errors in this one.
Write on. wl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Emma Quinn On Date: 2004-03-17 18:59:02
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
Hi Rachel, there is so much of the empty awkward feeling of going
into someone else's former place and closing things up here -- you really have
caught it well -- it's not just the oak that's "distressed" here
They are dreaming
in the peeling hallway
hidden behind beams, dizzy
with designing philodendron,
Persian rugs, distressed oak.
I think the even the agent protected by her motivation and the
silk lining of her blazer feels the uneasy, troubling business in
that cool kitchen (aqua, nice touch).
The man and women whisper
in quick breaths
while the motivated agent sweats
in the aqua kitchen
hot in her silk-lined blazer
hot from hammering
repossession signs
and gloomy salesmen [this is really nice-- hammering both the signs and
the salesmen -- those alliterative s's]
The manicured man bends
his stiff suit [great image here]
picks up something shining
– a diamond – fallen from the head
of a unicorn – a diamond set in pink feathers
and soiled dreams [here I wonder if you need the unicorn since you have the pink
feathers -- are both of them maybe a little bit much? could be just me...]
Phantom wings open
bare cupboards
something is singing [From here on to the end it's just beautiful!]
perhaps it is a hinge
in the vacant vestibule [those v's are great]
or the mangy calico kitten
left in the abandoned cellar
without papers
Copyright © March 2004 Rachel F. Spinoza
Thanks for this one, it's a pleasure to read.
Emma
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