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This Poem was Submitted By: Michael J. Cluff On Date: 2004-03-17 12:56:05 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Senryu 154

crow squawks at window doughnut on the ecru ledge anger loud and lush

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-04-04 22:06:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
We always covet what's just beyond our reach. The crow sees the damn doughnut behind the glass and is passionately frustrated. He probably sounds like a tenor who's going to pass out in the second act. Anyway, "ecru" lends a certain delicacy that's directly opposite to "squawks". "Loud" and "lush" are equally contrasting. There's a certain elegance even in fury, and when overdone crow-fashion, it does become, well, "lush". Love all those l's!! Also the ow/ou assonance. I've known people who act like this, all bluster, but remarkable in their capacity to explode at the slightest provocation. This is the human element in the senryu but you include the obligatory nature image to connect the two. This permits the message to be delivered effectively, and acknowledged. Much enjoyed, Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-03-29 05:10:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Michael, We don’t have crows here in Philippines but when I saw them in Singapore, I know what you meant of “squawks” and “anger loud”. These are fittingly appropriate adjectives. The first two lines really caught this reader’s attention. I can imagine the usual scenario of these creatures in your window. To add “ecru” for ledge and “doughnut” as the food is very true to the traditional style and form of haiku/senryu, where capturing that actual moment from the author’s eyes. I’m just a little confused and lost on the word “lush”. What does this symbolizes? Would really like to get a hint. This is a bit mysterious yet playful. Thanks for posting for our contemplation. As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-03-28 18:20:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40741
anger loud and lush is a wonderful end line. I like how you stuck to the nature image, the only intrusions of man in this poem is the donut and perhaps ecru ledge although that could be something natural even if I did think of a window. your language is beautiful and the form well done. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jane A Day On Date: 2004-03-22 17:45:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Dear Mike, Wonderful painting of a scene. I like the moderness of crows at a window. The absurdity of a doughnut on the inside ledge of the window. I am not a huge ecru fan and it seems out of tone. The last line is to die for. In those slick black feathers anger is loud and lush. OOOOOOO so good. Jane

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-18 11:57:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.36842
Michael--Same technicals as haiku and all met; 5-7-5 syllables/ three lines/ humorous slant. I've seen how birds mistakenly fly into glass windows thinking they are just clear space, most times they meet a sad fate. Vivid imagery created by this fixed form: seeing the pastry must've been inviting and yet quite frustrating due to the barrier. The irritating squawks could have drawn some choice curse words from occupant(s). Thanks for sharing your effort. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-17 22:36:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60784
Quite a picture, Michael. I like this genre, and you have a nice one here. It is accurate in form, but the images seem just a wee bit too separated, each line an individual picture or emotion - or maybe I am mis-reading. No, I take it back. After re-reading, I see the connection [a little oblique, but there it is!]between L1 & L2, then the anger. OK! Guess I'm a little tired, got up too early. Good work. I did enjoy the images. Hope to see more of these. I could have deleted the error in judgment, but won't, being such an honest guy. :>) wl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Emma Quinn On Date: 2004-03-17 19:04:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.50000
Hi Michael, I really like this one -- nicely observed haiku form (5-7-5) and a vivid image with an equally vividly loud crow on that "ecru" (an nicely unexpected adjective!) ledge. and "lush" anger, another unexpected and powerful adjective -- terrific! crow squawks at window doughnut on the ecru ledge anger loud and lush Thanks for this one! Emma

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-17 13:01:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
oooooo--very visual and the crow who is squaking is a great metaphor it does eveything a senry should do - and lushly -love those colors!

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