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Two Roads Two Roads A man is walking, He comes upon a fork in the road He looks down one road as far as he could see He saw people, partying people, having much fun He looked down the other road But it didn’t appear as fun Or as if there was as much pleasure He thought, which road should I take Obviously, I’ll go down the road of fun and pleasure He traveled this road for years never straying Until he came upon another fork Never knowing that at the end of the other road There was much glory and amazing things The road had more authority, but, Where will this road lead him to in the end He had the chance to think at this fork But he thought that the fun and pleasure, Was so much better Later on down the road he comes along another fork At this time, the man is now older There was a sign there that read Where will you end up in the end? One road ends up in happiness One ends in much sadness He sat and thought that if I live a wild life now, What will it be in the end After long times of thinking he changed the direction He went to the other road People made fun of him but he didn’t care He knows this way is right He started to realize that there was more fun on this road There was more authority, But it was a more peaceful road He can now almost see the end of the road He thinks, what does this mean? There is one last fork here at the end A person stands at the fork, As people go to the fork He points which path they may take, One side leads to darkness, One leads to streets of gold, He wonders, where will I go, He gets closer and he is next in line The man points the way He starts to walk down the path Not knowing where it will end It is a dark path at first But when he hit’s the end There is nothing but an amazing light Which roads will you choose? |
This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-03-22 19:16:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.65909
Hi Jeramy--are you new to the Link? Sherri Smith has endorsed you, so it made me conclude that
you are new. If I remember correctly, you are also in High School? This is a fable with a very
good message--or question as you have posed it? It's certainly one that every human being must
grapple with in his youth, and accept in his older years. If I have counted right, you have told
us the story in 50 lines.
I am a songwriter and have attended a zillion seminars and bought a zillion books on the subject and
participated in a zillion workshops--(& enjoyed every minute!). The one lesson (in songwriting) that
we must accept is: "re-write it!" There is such value in re-writing, I can't tell you. We tighten.
We shorten--we tell more of the story in a shorter space. It's called "crafting"--and, Jeramy, it's
worth every sweating minute of it! See if you can write this same story in 25 lines.
Then, see if you can avoid using the same word twice... that's a challenge! (well, I'm not talking
about words like "the" and "and" and "at" etc. just your major words.
Then...add some really powerful adjectives, like, as you have done, a DARK path, an AMAZING light, etc.
Then...what KIND of road? what KIND of fork. Us readers, we need to have a different adjective to
mull--I apologize, but that's the way we are. So this ends my advice (for what it's worth) tighten
it up--put in more adjectives--maybe smells, colors, tastes, metaphors that take us on wings of
fantasy--just for a moment.
I hope to encourage--and not to offend. Please keep writing! And please keep coming back to this
wonderful Link. I want to help. Marcia