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This Poem was Submitted By: Andrea M. Taylor On Date: 2004-03-28 00:11:34 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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High-ku

spectacular spots splashing infinity’s veil one wish at a time

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-04-06 01:39:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61538
Hi Andrea, “spectacular spots splashing infinity’s veil one wish at a time” I see awesome colors and impressive manifestation of sky’s grandeur shining and gliding down to the ground. One by one, little holes of light piercing through “infinity’s veil” like an invocation for daydreamers to “wish one at a time”. Thank you Andrea for this unforgettable panorama, I hope I got it right! :) The ”high” in the title somehow represents the feeling of “high” when reading your piece here. I find it contagious! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-05 01:23:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Andrea--well, it's me, Marcia, again, but this poem is next on my list, so as long as you can stand it, I'll keep commenting. This is so YOU--with the high-I-ku alliteration in the first two lines, just coming at you like High Physics, the splashing of infinity's veil--and then just about the time I think "I'm over my head" here--you bring me down to earth with your simple and homey "one wish at a time." You really have something going here with your two styles--one balances the other out, and enables "not-so-swift-readers" like me a shot, because there's always a place I can land and get my bearings. Good job! Look forward to more. (ooo I see this one's really doing good in the contest!) Thanks. Marcia

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-04-03 15:58:15
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Andrea. This is unusual! I find an ambiguity in interpretation that can be taken a couple ways - not a bad thing, mind you, as it opens up interesting levels of meaning. It could be about either prayer or the universe itself. The spots might be like projected desires, sent upward with a hope of some future answer. Or they could be stars and other cosmic particles, flung out into space against a backdrop of infinity. The wishes/prayers in the first interpretation turn to tangible sparks in the second. The s/f consonant use is very pleasing. I was once chastised for using alliteration in one of my own haiku - to the purist, it "just isn't done" - but it does sound so like the outrush of breath that I think it works nicely. We mustn't be greedy, as your final line points out. Even the Most High probably prefers to grant us our wishes in small sequences, lest we grow greedy and complacent. The veil prevents us from knowing how our petition will be received, as nothing is certain. Just as well. I always enjoy haiku, maybe because I seldom write them myself, and appreciate those who do. Take Care, Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: Irene E Fraley On Date: 2004-03-31 19:55:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30769
Hi Andrea, Lovely images. A whole picture from the huge to the very small in three short lines. I love the thought of the universe and stars being a field of wishes. What a wonderful thought. The title shows humor, (which doesn't hurt at all!) and grabs the reader's attention. The alliteration of "s" sounds gives a soft swishing feeling. Very well done! Rene Fraley

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-03-29 22:10:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Ah Andrea, A beautiful example of haiku, with alits with the s sounds makes it just seem to flow. Good job on this one Andrea. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-03-29 17:03:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.55172
Andrea--This Japanese verse meets all techs (5-7-5 syllables/three lines/based human-nature). Fresh metaphoric allits (spectacular spots splashing...) for stars casted/twinkling/falling in the dark endless heavens and onlookers free to make: "one wish at a time." Nice satirical piece producing vivid imagery. Great word play with the title, creating a dual meaning: capturing the distance/height and the form (Haiku/Senryu) in the hyphenation. Thanks again for sharing such a picturesque effort with us at TPL. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-28 15:51:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56627
I am seeing stars.:) - then wishing upon them! Well done. Cute title to match the thought/scene. It shouldn't take a philopher to capture this, although it reaches into that realm with great ease. The alliteration of s's is s-s-spectacular, and "infinity's veil" is a term I wish were mine. Only one verb, one preposition - no window dressing - as it should be. A beautiful "ku", Andrea.

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