This Poem was Submitted By: Lynda G Smith On Date: 2004-03-28 22:59:26 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Among Lilies

  Lilies wrap my legs In ribbon curls To pull the limbs of my being beneath the meniscus of my thoughts.  Their vagrant castings of crimson coils,  promise to preserve  that virgin nerve from the pickling white brine of memory. They encircle an ankle   and linger with suckling pull  within a tender hollow to shudder,  to cull a liquid sigh,  a last response to what was left undone. Are these the keepers Of  last breath, Of life, or death, Or simply a servant  of a drowning mind That spirals down the spirit Into the abyss of the unconscious. A darkling process…   but from this    deep      cold     storage, A baptism of belief In promise and possibility,    Will rise with the lilies Come spring.

Copyright © March 2004 Lynda G Smith


This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-05 21:00:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Hi Lynda--this is absolutely beautiful--thrills me to the bone--every single line a work of art and it deserves its place "at the top" of the list, which it is and then it's not--but that's the list and that's the contest--it changes. Lilies wrap my legs In ribbon curls----both lines, total poetry, total pictures for our hungry minds. beneath the meniscus of my thoughts.----like I say, every line is worthy of mention. of crimson coils,-----color, life, fresh way of describing what's in your head. the virgin nerve--pickling white brine of memory--I feel it, I see it, I wish I'd said it! suckling pull.......tender hollow----I almost ache! a liquid sigh--again, truly inspired stuff, truly from another dimension of a gifted mind. the keepers of last breath---me-oh-my--are there keepers? After reading this, I'm sure of it! drowning mind--abyss of the unconscious--and what an abyss that is! a darkling process------again, such imagery this pulls up--places, colors, thoughts I didn't even know I had! promise/possibility will rise with the lilies come spring. This almost sounds like your thoughts on reincarnation--valid enough to my mind, seeing God's Economy. It is a question that 'plagues' me constantly. Personally I hope it isn't true. But when we watch the lilies and tulips, and jonquils come up after such death-dealing winters, it makes me wonder. Thanks for a great read. It is doing very well in the contest! Best, Marcia


This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-04-03 23:03:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Hi Lynda, and welcome to the site if you're a recent addition. My attendance lately has been sporadic, owing to work demands and a student teacher whom I've been supervising since January. I'm delighted to find this lovely poem on my list and have been waiting for it to rise to the top (rather like the poem's own subject) so I'll have more voter weight to make my choices count! This sustained metaphor reminds me of many things. There's a Monet Impressionistic undertone that I quite appreciate. There's also the implied lotus symbolism, since they are related species, both being nymphaea. The lotus is, of course, representative of the soul's unfolding and enlightenment, which is a part of your theme here, especially toward the end of the poem. Lilies wrap my legs [one's fate is irrevocable and inescapable, after all] In ribbon curls [nice!] To pull the limbs of my being beneath the meniscus of my thoughts. Lovely tactile imagery! Excellent use of "r" consonance, nice short i's, vivid use of appropriate diction (meniscus, for one). Their vagrant castings of crimson coils, [yep, the undersides of many lily leaves are red, as are their stems] promise to preserve that virgin nerve from the pickling white brine of memory. Alliteration works nicely in the above passage, and your use of "v" lends a fricative thread that's very pleasant to the ear. Rhyme of preserve/nerve is a bit of a surprise in a free-verse piece, so it draws attention to the phrasing. And it's an important idea, the preservation of one's youthful courage and idealism, against an onslaught of conflicting memories that have intervened since then. "Pickling white brine" is a great metaphor! And "brine" sounds rather like "brain" which connects to the memory idea (subtle!). They encircle an ankle and linger with suckling pull within a tender hollow to shudder, to cull a liquid sigh, a last response to what was left undone. Great "l" consonance, like the undulating water itself. "Suckling" gave me pause as I at first thought "sucking"; however, the former gives an infantile impression, like nascent memories pulling at the breast of experience. "Cull a liquid sigh" is so evocative. I'm not sure you need "within a tender hollow", though. I usually think of pulling ON, not pulling WITHIN, and "pull/to shudder" seems to follow naturally. But of course, it is your poem and your call (I just toss out ideas, since I figure a decent critiquer should offer them once in awhile). Are these the keepers Of last breath, Of life, or death, Or simply a servant of a drowning mind That spirals down the spirit Into the abyss of the unconscious. [?] Now we get into the murky territory of Higher Self and the nature of consciousness, together with what actually happens at the moment of death. "Servant of a drowning mind" suggests that we imagine the afterlife images that so often accompany our passing ... but lately I've read that even a totally non-functioning brain, a flatline, has been known to undergo some sort of spiritual experience, because the clinically dead patient revives and recollects it. Hence the mind and body seem separate and the third entity, the soul itself, is not tied to either. "Spirals down the spirit/into the abyss of unconsciousness" may describe the reutrn of the soul to its fleshly home, the tendril of the lily's stem being like the fabled silver cord that connects both physical and insubstantial parts of ourselves. It is an excellent metaphor, capably presented. The softness of all those s sounds lends a calming sibilance to the process. A darkling process… [and we do see through the glass darkly, with no certain knowledge of the other side] but from this deep cold storage, [I like the breaks here!] A baptism of belief In promise and possibility, [strong use of alliteration] Will rise with the lilies [resurrection imagery befits the Easter season; reincarnation is also suggested] Come spring. [I would put this line above "A baptism of belief"] Thus .. Come spring A baptism of belief In promise and possibility Will rise with the lilies. [The final word restates your theme and subject; all is now full circle] Anyhow, this is an exquisite poem. If I were to have any concrete suggestions for "improvement" [hard to improve on something so appealing] they might involve a few stanza breaks. However, the upright format, with its short lines, visually depicts the lily's stem, so it works fine. On a side note: I checked your attractive website and found a few interesting coincidences. I'm also Canadian [NS], on Sympatico, minister to six horses and a bunch of other critters, and own three telescopes (an 8" Dob, an old - as in original - 60 mm Vixen refractor, and a 60 mm Bresser refractor, the latter two of which are odd little beasts indeed]. I've collected quite a few Televue eyepieces and some other stuff. But this has been an awful winter for star gazing because of all the storms. Let's hope that spring is more accommodating. Drop in at the Forum if you get a chance and haven't already done so. Several of us hang out there and love to see new faces, figuratively speaking. Regards, Brenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-04-01 11:04:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.81818
Dear Lynda, Welcome back. Actually thank goodness you came back, because otherwise we would have missed out on this beautiful offering. This is the perfect time of year for a message such as this one. Your poem speaks to me of faith and does so in a way that causes my heart to sing with joy. The title, "Among Lilies" (and the poem too)is reminescent of the resurrection of Christ and the remembrence of all our loved ones who've passed on. I have read this piece over and over and each time I get more and more out of it. The rhythm and cadence is superb. The idea of what you are saying is fantastic and the way you say it is cause for celebration. Your "L's" are music to my ears as is the whole idea of lilies ribbon curling around your legs. Your "c" allits and preserve/nerve rhyme add more music. "pickling white brine of memory" is extraordinarily done and one of my favorite parts. Other phrases that sing are "encircle an ankle", "cull a liquid sigh", "Of last breath, Of life, or death", "abyss of the unconscious", "Baptism of belief", "promise and possibility", well, I guess what I'm trying to say is the entire piece sings. I don't even know how to express my appreciation for your posting. It's going to take me days just to realize all the ways I will treasure this piece. Thanks for comming back. Blessings, Jennifer
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rick Barnes On Date: 2004-03-30 17:40:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lynda, This is an amazing work of intriguing complexity and subtle simplicity. It possesses such fluidity that rhymes seem to occur where there are none. Lilies wrap my legs In ribbon curls To pull the limbs of my being beneath the meniscus of my thoughts. Their vagrant castings of crimson coils, ...I thought, "What a beautifully flowing, natural occurance of ryhme". I had to read it a few times before I realized the rhyme was implied. How clever! The inter-play of sexuality, spirit, sinew, and psyche is as beautifully interfolded as a Georgia O'Keefe painting. This is a fun and beautiful read full of meaning and hope and yet not so much as a whiff of sentimentality. Gorgeous work Lynda.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-03-30 09:27:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.83333
Gosh. I looked at your website and you are living the life I dreamed about when I was planning my own.. A would be a Renaissance woman with my own retreat - in Canada. Sadly, I couldn't draw or sing or do much except scribble some poetry, but I see you can do it all, and damn it it can do it all splendidly. Welcome to TPL. Among Lilies [lovely title] Lilies wrap my legs In ribbon curls To pull the limbs of my being beneath the meniscus of my thoughts. As vivid and luscious a portrait as any flower by Georgia O’Keefe. The evocative word “menicus”[but isn’t it ”meniscus” - the knee joint right] is complex enough to be a bridge for an analogy for thoughts and the alliteration sings like a violin. . Their vagrant castings of crimson coils, [ahhhhh] promise to preserve that virgin nerve from the pickling white brine of memory. [I would kill to have written that desciption] They encircle an ankle and linger with suckling pull within a tender hollow to shudder, to cull a liquid sigh, [ahhhhhh] a last response to what was left undone [things done and undone – echoes of Eliot]. Are these the keepers Of last breath, Of life, or death, Or simply a servant of a drowning mind That spirals down the spirit Into the abyss of the unconscious. [I thin the phrase “abyss of the unconscious is too easy and ordinary a thought for this extraordinary piece.] A darkling process… [yes yes indeed ] but from this deep cold storage, A baptism of belief In promise and possibility, Will rise with the lilies Come spring. Come spring – yes—wonderful piece about hope and as so very beautiful it makes me want to read it over and over. Do stay with us a while. The view is good and the furniture simple but comfortable. Welcome Rachel
This Poem was Critiqued By: Drenda D. Cooper On Date: 2004-03-29 19:19:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Poet, This poem is amazing! Although I have not critiqued in several months now, I was drawn from my self imposed hibernation to humbly offer some words of praise for this poem.....It piqued my curiosity at first reading and as I read it again and again, its deep undertones of meaning with its astoundingly beautiful phrasing impressed my sensibilities ....It is a word painting that encompasses a thought process that seems so familiar to me as I often philosophize upon life and death (such a "darkling process--love that choice of wording).....The whole poem has such an ephemeral quality that is open to ao many interpretations... "Lilies wrap my legs In ribbon curls To pull the limbs of my being beneath the meniscus of my thoughts. Their vagrant castings of crimson coils, promise to preserve that virgin nerve from the pickling white brine of memory." The choice of lilies as a symbol of spring and of renewed life is represented here with such tenuousness...much as is life itself.... "They encircle an ankle and linger with suckling pull within a tender hollow to shudder, to cull a liquid sigh, a last response to what was left undone." The words above remind me of the feelings I have during funerals..when I think of the things that keep us in the real world as opposed to the spiritual reality of our "beingness"... the doubts that plague me ...the sadness for the departing one ...that indomitable feeling of things being "left undone" ..the fact becomes obvious to me that I long for what cannot be..a clean break...a completeness to life that has ended....a contentment of "finishing"....a deeply moving sigh of relief that as long as I have breath left, I do not have to face my fears of finality.. "Are these the keepers Of last breath, Of life, or death, Or simply a servant of a drowning mind That spirals down the spirit Into the abyss of the unconscious." My favorite lines are the ending ones that remind me so much of the "seasonality" of life ..the cycles of the seasons....beginnings and endings ..endings and beginnings...the lilies symbolizing renewed faith and hope as again we are blessed with the spring and rising hopes..from our cold winter..so the llilies rise from the cold dark earth and reach for the sun, for new life and hope... "A darkling process… but from this deep cold storage, A baptism of belief In promise and possibility, Will rise with the lilies Come spring." I hope you have a Happy Easter...REading this lovely poem has renewed my faith that the artistry of words woven into a tapestry of beauty by a talented poetess can bridge the chasm between hope and despair...LOL...drenda
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-03-29 15:15:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Dear Lynda: I have died and gone to heaven. Where did you come from? I looked at your biographical information and web page after reading this poem. Surely it is our great good fortune to have your presence with us! I love everything about this poem, from the title onwards. It lifts my spirits immeasurably to have your poem before me, to contemplate the exquisite language, imagery and "baptism of belief." You bring us a gift of grace and hope in this work. You may have been on this site before, but it might have been during a time when I was away or hadn't joined. In any case, I am count this as an Easter blessing. Now to the poem. (I simply don't know how to express my happiness at finding your work in fewer words!) An outstanding attribute of the poem is its pacing or rhythm - so closely matching breath. For example, in the lines -- Are these the keepers (internal rhymes, such as "these/keepers" are splendidly done) Of last breath, Of life, or death, (rhyme of "breath/death" - plosive strength of "b/d" - powerful) Or simply a servant of a drowning mind That spirals down the spirit Into the abyss of the unconscious. And then, the sibilance of "simply/servant" and 'sp' sounds in "spirals/spirit" - these sounds evoke deep shivers, for as a reader I am spellbound, descending into the 'abyss of the unconscious' without fear, but with a sense of exploration, and a reminder that the depths of life must be acknowledged in order to be truly alive. I found myself reading in a whisper, inhaling and exhaling on alternate lines. There aren't any flaws in this work - in my estimation it is as perfect as the titular lilies. I do feel a yearning and almost an envy - how I wish I had written this! It is as if you are a sculptor, and have found the shape in the clay or marble. For example -- Lilies wrap my legs In ribbon curls To pull the limbs of my being beneath the meniscus of my thoughts. Your liquid l's replicate the "ribbon curls" and your use of the noun "meniscus" with its lyrical overtones. Your images of the crescent-shaped cartilage of the knee, remind me - somehow - of the moon at its crescent phases. For thoughts to have this shape - of a curl, a curve, a knee, the moon - takes us out of the ordinary into the realm of mystery. How else could this have been expressed? In my view, in no other way. That our thoughts are often dominant is implied here, but our soul (being) responds to contact with ineffable beauty as exemplified by the lily. What can pull us out of our thoughts and into our bodies and souls more richly? The lily can be a metaphor for transformation through life, death, and spiritual rebirth. I believe that the reason white lilies are used at funerals is that they symbolize life after death. This poem reminds us to have faith, for that which we cannot see, but only dimly sense. And how astonishingly you have reminded us that our memories tend to distort things, and fasten us to the past. We cannot live in the past, but can become stagnant (pickled) in it. "to preserve that virgin nerve from the pickling white brine of memory." To have written such a lines must be ecstasy. To read them is to receive a blessing. They encircle an ankle and linger with suckling pull within a tender hollow to shudder, to cull a liquid sigh, a last response to what was left undone. What a powerful sense of life there is in these lines - and perhaps a kind of mourning "for what was left undone" is implied here. I think that the symbolism of the leg and the ankle are so completely apt. The ankle allows for mobility in life. Somehow, the pull of the lilies (death's immanence for all mortal beings) immobilizes the speaker (and the reader) temporarily with a kind of paralysis of the will. The legs serve as a kind of foundation for the body - give a sense of being centered and able to move about one's environment and through one's life. As the lilies, with their "suckling pull" exert their force, one is reminded that there will come a time when the legs shall no longer support the physical body, nor move it at will. Legs will no longer enable one to move within earthly life to accomplish our tasks. A darkling process… but from this deep cold storage, --spaces here are very effective for emphasis. A baptism of belief In promise and possibility, Will rise with the lilies Come spring. A sense of resurrection permeates this work; a sense of a spiritual rebirth into "promise and possibility." "A darkling process" indeed! If we become aware of our soul's purpose, our need for belief, we are no longer threatened by the knowledge of mortality. We can hold to the promise of the life to come. This poem inspires a deepening of faith, and reflection upon the direction my life is taking. This is a work which sustains me and inspires me on the deeper levels of my consciousness. Magnificent, brilliant writing! Brava! I expect to find this in the award-winning poems for March. Kudos once more. All my best, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-03-29 09:08:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.56977
Superb and right in season! Great piece of rhythmic poetry, Lynda. Without hesitation, I'll tell you that I cannot see a thing in error, so this will be a brief commentary. It goes high up on my list because of its fine occasional rhyming patterns, its wonderful imagery, its nice alliterations [esp. the "ll's" in the central portion, although they are so effective throughout the piece], and the line with its hesitations "this deep cold storage,". The opening lines are wonderful and truly capture the reader, saying, "You must continue!" Again, a great poem. Write on. wl
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