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This Poem was Submitted By: Lynda G Smith On Date: 2004-04-03 00:37:21 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Night Moves

Overhead night shot lights charge among clouds invisible above quarrels and storms a bruised and battered night becomes a fear divisible by morning’s mediation the gentling recreation trick of mind and matter winsome moment after a winless fight Beneath.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-03 10:19:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Brava! Excellent cadence and powerful phrasing - profound its implications. I will not soon forget the thoought a bruised and battered night becomes a fear Overhead night shot lights charge among clouds invisible this makes us jump sysnapses and do mind aroebics - splendid! above quarrels and storms a bruised and battered night becomes a fear [ah, yes ] divisible by morning’s mediation the gentling [great, great adjective}recreation trick of mind and matter winsome moment after a winless fight [winsome/winless - in word play a la Nabokov - excellent] Beneath. I really am a more critical critc than this - but this one just has me nodding at every juncture. Best, Rach

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-04-30 04:06:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Dear Lynda I am hard pressed to decide if this is an ordinary garden variety domestic dispute or something more serious ("bruised and battered") or if that expression was meant psychologically rather than physically. The poem seems to imply that nature/night, in its own natural drama, flows in its course oblivious to the dramas that unfold below. However the morning after is like a blue sky after rain. Whatever the dispute was, it also followed its natural course ... "winsome moment" of reconciliation after the "winless fight" ... agreeing to disagree? ... the standoff that often characterises the resolution of disputes with a partner. Your structure is engaging. "Overhead" ... "divisible" ... "beneath" being the waystations, the endpoints, the delineation of the field/s of conflict. Night is trouble, fearsome; day brings calm, possibly the calm preceding another nighttime storm. "Trick of mind and matter" is a interesting comment on the process of reconciliation: is it just a compromise? Do we just "do what we have to do" mentally just to able to keep on going with these unwinnable wars? I found this piece very dramatic and engaging. Warm regards Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-04-27 10:53:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hello Lynda: This is good; it's delightful in word selection, the living symbolism, form, and it's brevity. I like the way you've capitalized the first and last words. You substituted punctuation with a creative form that did the job nicely. eg. "divisible" You wanted a noticable pause and achieved it in the new line. Also, you show a creativity in finalizing the piece with a period, in spight of no previous punctuation. I like that, as good poets as not afraid to break the rules. For me to assess negativity to this work would be misusing "the critique." A fellow poet, Lennard McIntosh

This Poem was Critiqued By: G. Donald Cribbs On Date: 2004-04-13 08:15:25
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Lynda, Wow, you throw a one two punch here, literally! The way you lay out the stanzas looks very much like two clenched fists (which you carefully wait to reveal at the end) and the puff of clouds above (which you allude to in the first stanza). Very nicely done! You pack each line with such weight by jamming in as much action and force with your words. Does night "shoot" light? The personification of night is so strong throughout. Night gets so involved in what is said directly (the description of night and nature) and indirectly (the fighting and quarreling taking place below) that is ends up beaten up and bruised in the crossfire. Wow. This creates a powerful picture of a woman standing on her front porch, feeling the truth in a moment of pain after a fight, gasping for air, searching for meaning behind it all. I love how you allude to the process a cloud has (being charged) to the point of rain or storm. This is paralleled by the main subject of the poem, perhaps the person standing out on the front porch? "Trick of mind" hints at "trickle" or the morning dew. As if the storm disipated into the frosting of the grass and flowers, but failed to burst fully into a thunderstorm. The pulse here is truly entwined in the other fight referenced here but doesn't completely tell what happened in the fight itself. And, I don't think your intention was to go beyond what you say here. What you say in two stanzas is what you sensed when standing on the porch. That's why the poem was written. The curious side of me wants to know more, but what you have here is a treat. Thank you for sharing this with us! I enjoyed reading it and thinking about it. Warm regards, Don

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-08 19:14:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Wow, Lynda, another deep and right-on-track assessment of what your eye sees. This, to me, is the All-Seeing-Eye who broods above the city clouds and records the earth's "winless fight". You have certainly covered a lot in these few lines--I think essays could be written on what you have said. The "overhead" "divisible" "Beneath" is a most effective use of format, almost dividing your thoughts into chapters for us. mornings's mediation/mind/matter/moment take me by the hand down the gentle path of alliteration, making the violent earth/city more palatable. Good poetry will do that. charge/clouds/quarrel give another alliteration--and the first S. is like a bolt of lightning really, as it comes at you with electrical charges and makes this reader want to "take cover". bruised and battered night becomes a fear---you know, that is exactly the fear I feel when I'm in a city of any size. For a country person like me, it's a frightening place to be. This gives me goosebumps, albeit psychological! Your "divisible" word comes right in the middle of your two thoughts, your two points, and acts as a hinge for the whole poem. Clever, I'd say. I do thank you, Lynda, for another great read that spring from deep thoughts that I am able to mirror in my own experience. Marcia

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-08 14:41:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Lynda, This piece really captivates me...a transtion from night to morning. You said it all in a terse poem using wonderful descriptors....'night shots lights'...I love this...'charge among clouds invisible'...'a bruised and battered (great 'b' sounds)..becomes a fear. A stormy night can be very fearful and if that happens it is not always easy to think that the light of day will overcome the night fear. The use of the word 'divisible' is very effective here as well as unusual which sets this piece apart from others with the same theme. Your images of morning....'meditation, recreation, winsome moment' are also very different and clever. The entire poem is well crafted and a pleasure to read. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-04 18:27:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Lynda, a very clever division between the skies and the human factor, and the comparisons to what occurs in both locales. Stormy night? above and below? both reconciled in the morning - perfect! It really matters not where the rhymes are placed, they are captivating. I notice you use nearly no punctuation, which is okay, but I just might stick a comma after the first word for a slight more hesitation. I think it might make the 2nd and 3rd lines interrelate better. Only a itsy-bitsy thing. No other suggestions for improvement. An interesting use of the verb "charge", also relating to an electrical storm. Wonderfully created imagery and an amazing turn/divisor at the center to divert us to the "rest of the story" in the final stanza. Thanks for posting.

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