This Poem was Submitted By: Valene L Johnson On Date: 2004-04-18 23:43:18 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Rain

merrily they dance upon sound black street-braille

Copyright © April 2004 Valene L Johnson


This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-05-04 16:58:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Hello Valene: I continue intrigued by the imagery that some writers can jam-pack in the few syllables of Japanese verse. I hope I am correct in venturing that the author has chosen a variation of the traditional haiku form, that consists of seventeen syllables in three lines; the first and third of five syllables and seven in the second. This selection consists of a mere eleven syllables rather than the traditional seventeen, which actually constitutes an greater challenge. Yet, the writer's hand is not in the least short of imagery. This surely requires no small ammount of consentration. Congratulations, Valene! A fellow poet, Lennard McIntosh


This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-04-23 20:55:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.62687
Valene, enjoyable images. Instead of the pronoun "they", I would suggest using "raindrops" for more clarity. I believe that is the intent here. Unless of course, that is not what is doing the dancing, as suggested by the title. Would some word make the sound for us instead of merely stating it? Just a thought. I like the last line very much, seeing the little "pock-marks" on the rain-coated asphalt and accompanying little splashes as the droplets hit the black pavement. Like it much. Peace. Wayne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Gabrielle Lea Kindell On Date: 2004-04-22 00:35:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
I like this, Valene. It has a definite imagist, William Carlos Williams feel to it. :) I do think that instead of "they" you might use a more-specific word. What you've got here is powerful, and I think that would make it even more so. The word "merrily" works, and it does balance the poem as far as syllables, but "merrily" is a bit trite, and you seem capable of finding a better word. I love "black street-braille." It's beautiful as an image, and it is beautifully spoken as well. Good job.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-04-21 17:04:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
Valene, this is a neat haiku. I like the the rain drops first dancing then taking the place of braille dots on paper. This poem relies on sound it has a stacato rhythm like rain but a happy one due to the cheery sound of the word merrily. I truly enjoyed this. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tiffany A. Christian On Date: 2004-04-20 12:54:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I appreciate the modified form here, Valene, because the image is so intense. I can just hear the rain here, and I think I will forever think of it as "street-braille" when I hear it in real life. Although it did throw me a little when I read "sound" and thought "ground"! This is not a suggestion to change the word, though. I think it makes the poem even more interesting when we use one word and another is suggested. Brava!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-04-19 07:05:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Lovely image presented here and one can not only hear the sound of the rain as it falls hitting the road below but one is able to visualize the image presented at the same time.......the rain drops as they dance to the sound they present as they land......like the term black street, braille...... nice word flow and structure which I thought was Haiku but after checking that out it is not. Perhaps you might let me know in your reply what form, if any special one, you used for this. Thanks for posting and sharing, be safe, God Bless, Claire
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