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This Poem was Submitted By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-04-28 17:37:43 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Between Seventeen and Eighteen

She crouched in a doorway remembering the cruel words that caused her to leave. She only wanted to be on her own, but now all anger gone she was too proud to go home. Her fingers stiff with cold felt frozen as she held them to her mouth, hot breath gave only temporary comfort, her thin coat too meager to protect her frail frame. People passing by, laughing at some private joke, eyes of glee never saw her. They could not sense her anguish or see her tear stained cheeks of rue. She should have listened to them, grabbed a warmer coat or money. But she stomped out the door yelling she was old enough to leave home. She no longer wanted to be told what to do or when or how. A gelid and heartless wind invaded her gaunt sanctuary. Its gust, razor sharp, sliced and pricked her sparsely clad body. She needed to solve this problem but tonight she was just too tired, too cold, too hungry. "I guess I'll go home" she thought, I can make amends but first I need some sleep." She began to feel a shawl of warmth caress her body and her eyes felt lead heavy. She hugged her knees to her chest sitting in an upright fetal position. * * * * * "She is just a girl....oh man she froze to death, better call 911."

Additional Notes:
I wrote this sometime ago...purely a figment of my imagination.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne Duval Morgan On Date: 2004-05-05 11:02:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72727
Hi Marilyn, I've read this submission many times, and my first impression remains with me. It's a poem, a persona, about many young women, who refuse to accept they need more time to grow, who react, and for every action there is a reaction, that's the wisdom that comes with maturation. This is a complete tale, a sadness engulfed me from the first reading. It contains for me, enough of a persona, the pratfalls we try to prepare all our young folks against, but reactionary, and resistaints they just react, this poems tells the take of reaction, the pride, t to react when reaction (her going home probably would have relieved the family of worry, and ultimate pain). A sad tale indeed, complete, everything is there, with wonderful potential is contained for a shortening, with vocabulary in place. It is a wonderful poem as is, with much going for it in a re-write. I love it as it is, and it goes against my nature to suggest anything, and I rarely do, but it can be taken further, just paring away, making it more forceful, you have all the conponents. Please do not misunderstand, I love it as is, emotion, reaction, end result of being just stuborn and proud. My Best as always, great to have read this, I always appreciate your poetry, as I do this one....Love, God Bless, Jo

This Poem was Critiqued By: DeniMari Z. On Date: 2004-05-01 08:44:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.57143
Dear Marilyn, What a sad story of a rebellious young girl who made a fatal mistake. This poem is quietly intense, and brings questions to the mind of the reader. What did she leave? Why did she wait too long to go back home? It reminded me of something I did at 18, feeling mature enough to go out on my own, and rent what had once been an office as an apartment. The whole adventure lasted less than 2 weeks and I went home - where I belonged. I enjoyed this poem, even with the sad theme, it was an enjoyable read. DeniMari

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L Smith On Date: 2004-04-30 20:17:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.57143
Dear Marilyn, A figment of your imagination it might be, but I have seen her and many like her in the streets of New York City. How sad to know that there are so many homeless children, driven from their home, or so desperate to get away from horrifying situations. I could see in their eyes, the lostness, the lonliness, and the stark look of fear. Some no more than 12 with backpacks on their backs and living on the streets. They often fall prey to those that deal with children and then their horror really begins. It is so sad, I cried. I only spent one day in the city, but it is an experience that I will never forget. Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sherri L. West On Date: 2004-04-28 21:49:31
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44444
Hi Mom, I can see that you want to "shake things up" again - this is quite a departure from some of the things you have written lately! You have painted an image that is difficult to behold - it kind of reminds me of the story of the little match girl. Words like frozen, meager, frail, gelid (yes, I looked it up), heartless, gaunt, and razor sharp put the reader on edge - knowing that the outcome cannot be good. The message serves as a lesson to all. What could have been so important that it was worth dying for? The hopelessness of the scene is overwhelming. Once again, you have used sharp and concise words to clearly outline the drama. You are the master of the adjective! Bravo, Love, Sherri

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-04-28 19:06:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.67857
Marilyn–Well, I bit; hook, line and sinker. Stupendous narrative poem/free verse which caught me flat footed, mouth open and hungry. I didn’t have a clue until I finished the piece and read the notes (a complete fabrication-wow!) I don’t mean to sound callous, but in these times the scenario you scribed is not uncommon, especially in the larger cities of these United States (sad to say). Your detailed, descriptive, figurative and plain language create vivid imagery that make the senses reel with an array of emotions for all involved: parents, teenager and even the (fictive)people that find the fictitious frozen body. A couple of ‘minor’ criticisms (an only because I was tricked-smile): personally, I would have held back the notes until the reviews started rolling in. This may have helped assure unbiased and uninfluenced feedback. Also, your title/theme could easily apply to a much wider and lower age group (statistics actually are quite telling for under
years). These of course are nit-picks and in no way distracts from or devalue the Poet’s unbelievable/believable effort. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-04-28 18:36:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.52174
Hi Marilyn, Funny ending with: "She is just a girl....oh man she froze to death, better call 911." I just enjoyed reading this story. I think the she is you? or maybe your daughter. If she is your daughter, you recognized her being a girl, her frailty. Everyone commits mistakes and it is part of growing up, the learning process. I too sometimes want to be independent but I realized that I need other's advice. This is a good realization. By the way, I like your descriptions here: "A gelid and heartless wind invaded her gaunt sanctuary. Its gust, razor sharp, sliced and pricked her sparsely clad body." Fresh and new! Thanks for sharing, Marilyn. Keep sharing your wonderful and significant pieces. Jordan

This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-04-28 18:17:01
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.97619
Hi Marilyn-- I read this eagerly as though each line were a frame in a movie. It has a mood and a 'feel' just as all your poems do. In fact, weather 'colors' a lot of your writing--sometimes those colors are 'raw' and 'chill' and never forget 'wind', but you write them here just as surely as a painter would brush the cold upon a canvas. A gelid and heartless wind invaded her gaunt sanctuary. Its gust, razor sharp, sliced and pricked her sparsely clad body. She needed to solve this problem but tonight she was just too tired, too cold, too hungry. This is the S. I like the best. (Had to look up gelid--but it's a good word to use here, and maybe I should have figured it out from "gel"? her gaunt sanctuary rips at us as we watch. gust, razor sharp, sliced and pricked/sparsely all good picture 'feeling' words. As soon as I read "too tired"--it was like the prosidy music that comes along in films just before the bad thing happens. "I guess I'll go home" she thought, I can make amends but first I need some sleep." She began to feel a shawl of warmth caress her body and her eyes felt lead heavy. She hugged her knees to her chest sitting in an upright fetal position. And when she says she needs some sleep. Being raised in a northern climate, I was always being told--never go to sleep--never go to sleep--you'll freeze and die. Anyway, the handwriting was on the wall for this child as soon as I read that. Now, Marilyn--I'm sure Wayne will tell you (I call him my Punctuation Coach-- and I'm darned lucky to have one!) "I guess I'll go home," she thought. "I can make amends but first I need some sleep." The commas I don't know about, but she should have quotes around her words--just as she should have a warm coat around her body! Between Seventeen and Eighteen is a real 'pull' for most of us--whoooa--because we're all amazed we lived through that year ourselves! Very nice read--pulls lots of empathy and sympathy from the reader and uses the right choices of words. THanks for the break--I needed to get away from my uploading problems! Best, Marcia

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