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This Poem was Submitted By: Cara-Mae D. Hackett On Date: 2004-05-04 10:13:50 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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untitled - from Nov 2003

Dark whispers of blood-soaked dreams cling with the stickiness of spiders webs and the persistance of commissioned salespeople relentless, undaunted, unstoppable determined to make an impression Spitting out copper and shitting out gold shedding the skin begging for forgiveness yet denying the sins Imaginary gods and figments given substance by faith or by delusion throughout the ages, seemingly endless and enmeshed to us Pink elephants to lighten the dark soul, drowning in addictions Gods and Goddesses, imbued with lifeforce by the changing faces of humanity By some who crave a figurehead to console, to love, to protect, to dole out punishment By others who need to believe in something more than themselves to feel safe existing, or by themselves requiring our faith in them to maintain their own bramd of tangible intangibility and even by the non-believers who pander to both sides of the court, striving for the best alliance False idols and superstitious beliefs, held tightly to the breast like a cherished, tattered teddy bear, with no eyes so that the days are less empty and the nights have more light Belief beyond oneself larger than life

Additional Notes:
The only other place this appears is on my website, though it is up in its original form. This onw was slightly edited. Though I can't recall if there is a way to center poems when posting them here... so keep in mind it ought to be centered.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-01 23:37:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
It's not entirely unhopeful piece, but sure reeks with the challenges of the modern life. I think of Pink Elephants in Disney cartoons and Tony Hawk Pro Skater 4. I like to think of work like this as a bit of a bitter pill I needed to get up before it rotted me inside. I don't know if you would agree, but that's what I think of. I agree with the sentiments in here, although I feel more hopeful mostly than the tone of this work. Still, I am not free of it without some effort. Thanks, REEG!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Stefanie L Ankle On Date: 2004-06-01 11:31:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Cara Mae, I love your poem. It gives me such a sense of the exotic, with a tint of ancient fantasy, and places I can only dream of. Yet, as with almost all poetry, this poem can also be bettered. I love the first three lines of your first stanza, yet the next three could use some fine-tuning. I appreciate the "persistence of commissioned salespeople" line, however, I don't know if it adds to your poem, or detracts from it a bit. The next two lines almost seem amateurish compared with the first three lines, but I can't think of any suggestions. The idea is right on, but your diction could be tightened. I do think relentless fits with the tone of the first three lines, though. The second stanza is perfect, at least to me, but I do think the third stanza could be worked on a little. Maybe you could change "faith or by delusion" to "faith and delusion" because the tone of you poem seems t o be all about delusion, and deception, thus it seems even the faith would be delusional. The next stanza is much, much, lighter than the previous ones and if you hadn't mentioned lightening the osul I would have questioned this change. One suggestion, though, perhaps you could say "to lighten the soul" rather than "to lighten the dark soul". With all your previous imagery I believe we can gather the fact that the soul is dark, what with the previous tone of the poem, and the fact that you mention lightening it at all. Or at the least maybe you could find a better substitute for dark. Once again, I would criticize the second to last stanza, however, it seems to be the second transition towards hope rather than pure despair. Therefore the tattered teddy bear fits. Is the "with no eyes" comment supposed to signify ignorance is bliss, and the "see no evil" concept? I like the second to last line, and even the last one fits, though it seems a bit "cliche-ish".Yet, somehow, there is so much of you, and so much sophistication in this poem, that this borrowed phrase doesn't detract from your poem, but rather ennunciates your ideas. Since I've probably killed your eyes by now, I don't want to write too much more. Suffice it to say, I Love Your Poem. Your critique is only this long because I'd love to help you make it even more spectacular than it already is.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Edwin John Krizek On Date: 2004-05-23 10:18:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Dear Cara Mae, I like this poem. I love the imagery in the first stanza "the stickiness of spiders webs and the persistance of commissioned salespeople relentless, undaunted, unstoppable determined to make an impression" Being a commisioned salesperson myself I can appreciate the comparisons. As you continue I am touched by the feelings of your subjects who cling to "imaginary gods... of faith and delusion." How nice it would be for all of us if these gods did exist and there was order in the universe. I have often felt that way and your poem points up these feelings for me. Good job. Ed Krizek

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-05-21 11:14:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cara-Mae, I was going to say that this passionate utterance was not directed at my current or former Catholic associates, who, if they are legitimately Catholic, do not, and never did, "deny[]the sins." Life is a journey in penance for those who fall short of the immaculate, i.e. all but Christ and His Mother. But I'd imagine that your definition of sin is different from the traditional definition of the Church, and that my living and dead relatives come within your censure. Lots of live language here; lots of good stuff. To judge a poem on it's apparent message, and i say apparent because i'm wrong more often than not, shows an inferior aesthetic disposition. I try to avoid that fault, though, of course, i comment on the message, since commentary on the message is the resort of those who, like me, only have at best an intuitive judgment on literary merit. My judgment is this is a worthy poem that has virtues in its use of language that make it worthy of being written, and read. Thank you. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: cheryl a kelley On Date: 2004-05-10 16:51:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
some nit-picky comments: line-breaks might make it a little more readable. your word choice is good makes it move off the tongue well. I got thrown a little in S4 because you don't capitalize new lines throughout the poem unless a new stentence begins, but then in s4 you have a few capitalizations.... ok enough for the nit-picky - overall, I got the message loud and clear about faith and the need to believe and how it often leads us to belive in the incredible and the ridiculous... Best line of the poem, in my opinion, "False idols and superstitious beliefs, held tightly to the breast." Cheryl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Andrew Hislop On Date: 2004-05-09 03:13:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Dear Cara You probably won't like this crit and I therefore expect to be rated low for it. But since you seem to have a penchant for honesty, I won't pull my punches either, even though as this is my first critique of your work (and though I am obviously by no means a master of the poetic art myself) I should perhaps be a touch more gentle. The title, though insisting on being "untitled", seems as overworked, and yet as underworked, as much of the poem. Does it matter when it is untitled from? It's either untitled or it's not. And yet you go to so much trouble in the body of the poem that I think you lessen what you HAVE achieved by not titling it. I say that because the poem is sometimes obscure (not that that is necessarily a bad thing) e.g. "Pink elephants to lighten the dark soul" and a title ... sometimes ... can help readers find their way through the obscurity. I say this with reservations, however, because I do believe that a poem should leave the reader with something to do ... reading ultimately completes the writing. Regarding how you would like us to bear in mind that the text should be centred, even if this site enabled you to centre the work, I doubt if that would improve it. Again, either the meaning is there or it is not. Physical arrangement of words can accentuate ideas, but centering the text would be as impact-less on your delivery of meaning as having it all left-justified. The only stanza in which achieves what to this critiquer is a poetic cadence is "False idols ..." through to "... more light". In particular, "so that the days are less empty/and the nights have more light" is quite poignant in the context of holding a teddy bear ... we all have them! The rest, though, is generally "too much" in the telling. The best example of what I mean is: "By others who need to believe in something more than themselves to feel safe existing, or by themselves requiring our faith in them to maintain their own bramd of tangible intangibility/and even by the non-believers who pander to both sides of the court, striving for the best alliance". The poem is also hampered by spelling errors: "bramd" which should be "brand", "persistance" which should be "persistence", and "spiders webs" which should be either "spider's webs" or, which I think you most likely meant, "spiders' webs". I think there is, despite my criticisms, a clear intent and meaning here. However, I just don't think you have done your idea the justice it deserves. With (believe it or not!!) best wishes Mark.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-08 20:03:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Deeply philosophical stuff IMO, Cara-Mae. Reaching inside our human quality for reasons and explanations is a never-ending quest, is it not? Notwithstanding your notes, I think it would be more effective if the long lines were shortened somehow to fit the page. There must be a place for a couple line-breaks there somewhere. Your choice. :-) You have used alliteration and consonance very well in this, so not much need to change any wording, as far as I can see. The metaphors are numerous and powerful, as well. Well done, poet. their own bramd of tangible intangibility - [sp./typo - "brand"] like a cherished, tattered teddy bear, with no eyes - [I might delete the comma after "bear".] One other minor thing is I might check some of the capitalization, e.g. the 2 "By"s in S4. Thanks for posting this. wrl

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