Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

This Poem was Submitted By: Molly Johnson On Date: 2004-05-21 13:58:56 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!

Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!

Sunday Morning With a Used Car Salesman

My fingers itch to tuck at the thin strips of his frayed collar. He has a daughter turning twelve; she’s embarrassed by his baldness, a wife who likes comfort over safety too. His weary shirting shows blue skin near dense nipples. If we would just let him finance us, his fine fabric would crackle then ignite. My own neck glows, embarrassed by his bareness.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-26 20:01:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41667
Molly, welcome back - with this gem of a poem! Wonderful images - and message. The staccato lines rush the reader right to the point(s) beneath his shirt. [Pun intended] Some nice alliteration and assonance to dress this poem up to the hilt. I caught the embarrassing comparison of "baldness" to "bareness". Nice! Good work. I enjoyed it. Have fun shopping and "fast-fooding". :>) peace. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Gerard A Geiger On Date: 2004-05-24 14:39:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.00000
Dear Molly; I really like this poem. I realy like the way you suck Me,the reader, into your story. I'm reminded of the "Village Blacksmith", although your poem is about a car salesman, and doesn't rhyme. Obviously your trying to buy a car...He is your salesman...and as salesman are want to do...he tells a bit about himself his child and his wife. As a perceptive customer you notice his threadbare clothing...understand his need to sell you a car. All salesmen, to me, exude an aura of nervous tension and moist/tepid sweat....the kind that would make a shirt cling to a nipple.. If you would let him finance you he could make a sale....and he would light up as "fine fabric would crackle and ignite" You are embarrassed by his bareness...his needs...his wants... his baseness... What a perceptive poem concerning the base human elements at play in conducting the business of buying a used automobile from a salesman who needs the sale. Thank you for sharing this unique and thoughtful work I would not change a thing.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-05-22 13:53:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi! Welcome home! This a language-rich poem is a great narrative with which to herald your arrival. My fingers itch to tuck at the thin strips of his frayed collar. fingers/ itch/thin/strips/his -The "I'" s have it! incredible description He has a daughter turning twelve; she’s embarrassed by his baldness, ah, you capture the discomfort pre-teens have in dicovering the humanity of their parents in these two lines a wife who likes comfort over safety too. So ordinary a family that the pathos is ripe. Does the "too" [in addition to]refer to the daughter? or the presumed conversation with the man? The reference s a little unclear. His weary shirting [superb adjective] shows blue skin near dense nipples. Great - vivid and alive tactile lines - it makes us almost tender toward this used car sales person If we would just let him finance us, his fine fabric would crackle then ignite. you take us away in exploding metphor - great fireworks! My own neck glows, embarrassed by his bareness. wonderful ending which uses language in fresh ways and makes this experience feel immediate and real. This is fine writing.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-22 10:43:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32258
Molly- I love these real-life vignettes, the stolen scene, the captured moment. It's a photograph. It's a movie. Poetry at its best. bareness: almost baren-ness, only better. marvy. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-05-21 22:19:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Molly: I was gleeful this morning, because you posted on the Forum. And my 'anticipation' of your poem did not exceed my 'realization' of it! (That old saw - "Anticipation always exceeds realization" or close.) Your poetic voice here is as fresh, vigorous, insightful, sensitive and welcome (taking a breath) as ever. My fingers 'itch to tuck' at -- wonderful sounds of 'i' and 't' the 'thin strips' of --here too his frayed collar. One of the things I love best here is the way you've made it easy for a reader to slip into the speaker's skin subjectively. The subjectivity here is so personal, and just the sort of thing I'd feel and maybe not be consciously aware of. I would be fixing that collar, over and over again. You make this used car salesman so real to us. It sounds like a small dealership, as the speaker is even aware of the age of his daughter. He has a daughter turning twelve; she’s embarrassed by his baldness, Aptly limned consonance in "turning/twelve" and use of the plosive b's - very unobtrusively - in "embarrassed/baldness." "a wife who likes comfort over safety too" - I'm wondering about this - this statement makes my mind want to probe. "How does she see that - what is it that she sees?" Maybe the 'quick fix' - 'fast food' - 'fast lane' kind of life? Though that wouldn't be comfortable to me. He may be somewhat of an improbable character, a puer eterna. She may derive comfort from his transparency, his reassurances. But in the long run, he is too intense-sounding to be 'safe', I agree. His 'weary shirting' -- fabulous descriptor shows blue skin near dense nipples. His vulnerability/transparency shows -- he appeals to me in the way that the smallest, scroungiest pup in a litter (the 'runt') always does. The one you want to take home -- but not this man. There is something slightly dangerous here - now I have a better idea of what is meant by his wife's preference for "comfort over safety too." If we would just let him finance us, his fine fabric would crackle then ignite. "Just let him" shows us, as does his thin shirt and "dense nipples" that just below the surface is someone ready to implode. He strains toward the possibility. The fricatives and hard c's, leading to 'ignite' give a sense of energy building, of emotions and nerve-endings firing to the ignition point. My own neck glows, embarrassed by his bareness. Such intensity is catching! Molly - what a pleasure it is to enjoy once more the ways you have with words! "embarrassed by his bareness" conveys a host of squirmy-yet-delicate feelings, of compassion and humanity and discomfort. I especially admire the poem of the 'small moment' of heightened perception, of not much happening externally but everything happening internally. Your uncanny ability to allow the reader to be fully present with you is astonishing - a riveting treat. Brava!! All my best, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-05-21 17:14:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.76923
Hi Molly, I have to confess that I read this piece with a knowing smile on my face. It is so descriptive of the used car lots I have been in, as well. You immediately noticed the frayed collar and couldn't help but want to tidy it up a bit. Used car salesmen are a different breed of salesmen...I always wondered why they stay with it when I obviously does not pay well. The fact that you have taken a very hum-drum situation and turned it into a great piece of writing tells me you possess the talent of great poet. You have aptly described this salesman and I found myself in that car lot with you. You had me feeling sorry for this guy right away! I liked this piece and will look forward to reading a lot more of your work. Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-05-21 15:32:11
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.84615
Re: "Sunday Morning With a Used Car Salesman" This is surely a paradigm of proof that poetry can be successfully written about anything; even unusual subjects. I applaude the author for her creativity in this regard. Writer: "My fingers itch to tuck at the thin strips of his frayed collar." LJMc: The writer is showing the man's personality. It is how the best writers do it. Writer: " ... a daughter turning twelve; she’s embarrassed by his baldness," LJMc: The writer mentions the salemman's daughter being embarrassed by his baldness. Then confesses her own her own similar embarrassment. This reader cannot help but feel irony the the lines. I believe the key lies in the word "bald" having several shades of meaning. One of those shades denotes a lack of scruples; e.g. as in "bald-faced." If this hidden assertion is intended as irony it is outstanding. If it wasn't intended, well, I will simply have to confess it as outstanding reading! Writer: "If we would just let him finance us ... his fine fabric would crackle then ignite." LJMc: The allegory fairly explodes. While the consonance of the piece is aided by a sprinkle of alliteration: "fine/fabric." In all, this is poetry very well written, and by a writer who apparently will never need worry of subject matter. A fellow poet, Lennard McIntosh

Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link

Click HERE to return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!