This Poem was Submitted By: Nancy Anne Korb On Date: 2004-05-27 22:45:51 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Dawning

Like a snail darkness crept Rearing its slimy head Then back to its portable bed. Wending its horrible way,  Allowing us nothing to say, Day after miserable day. Stealing the promise of happiness, Pain suspended, unexpressed, Shadows and so used to less. The cold freeze of winter took hold in our hearts, Emptiness learned from a young life in parts, Never allowing our childhood's to start. Like enemies in battle, choosing up sides, Seeking the strongest to hide behind, The ones who should love us, so very blind. Till growth gave us freedom, Life bade us to come, And try to forget where we'd all come from.

Copyright © May 2004 Nancy Anne Korb

Additional Notes:
I'm embarrassed to say it, but I did publish this in one of the poetry anthologies from Poetry.com. I have no idea if it's any good, but I shared it in an AOL poetry chat room and obviously someone saw it and liked it and Poetry.com got into touch with me. I didn't know that they were a vanity press, but I soon found out. It's fun to see your name and some of work in print, even if it's really at your own expense. However, the upshot is that I don't know it's good or was just another opportunity for a company to make money. I used a pseudonym because of my embarrassment. My other name is Aurora Desiree' Rose...just because I like the name....it means Desire of the morning's rose.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Marcia McCaslin On Date: 2004-06-04 19:31:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.60000
Hi Desire of the morning's rose-- Nancy Anne Korb---how fresh this is to my ear. I'm beginning to learn that poetry (from the heart and not terrib ly contrived) is like a fingerprint---like no one else's and this is what this work reminds me of--a fresh touch, a fresh perspective. Nice rhymes too, and cadence. Being a songwriter, I always look/listen for cadence and this one has wheels--just moves us nicely along. In my humble opinion, let's don't be embarrassed about anything--a pseudonym, or a vanity publishing like poetry.com (I've only heard)--hey just express yourself and let the free thoughts flow. You have them pretty well channeled into nice rhymes and pictures--I just say: more power to you. Keep 'em comin'-- I'll look for you (under any name) again! Best, Marcia


This Poem was Critiqued By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-06-01 22:45:24
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
I like the lyrical nature of this work, and then it's not so obvious conclusion from the desperate plight of those inflicted with the negative aspects shown in the middle of the work. It reminds me much of the fantasy work "The Chronicles of Thomas Covenant" series by Stephen R. Donaldson. Much of the same wrenching emotion is contained in there, but dragged out over six 500 page books. A tough pill to swallow I can tell you, but it ends with some hope at the end of the day. Before I found TPL, I had a similar experience. I actually found TPL as I looked for scams involving Poetry.com. Hah! It's too bad they are preying on people who are generally trusting folks. Thanks, REEG!
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-05-29 16:18:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.93333
Nancy: I've not seen your poetry before so if you're new, welcome and if I have bypassed you in the ago, I'm happy to review your poem and many more to come. I like your title and find it most fitting after reading your poem about darkness. Dawning also has the connotation of not merely the sun rising but finding enlightenment. Your format interests me: a lyric poem with rhymes at the ends of three lines, then other rhymes for the next tercet. Your meter varies and read aloud, the pacing sounds spot on. I will make minor suggestions which is part of the critique process: for all poets to try and help each other. Of course, you are free to disregard any comment or suggestion with which you don't agree. I copy out portions of your poem to help me get the meaning from every line. (I need to learn to cut and paste). Like a snail darkness crept Rearing its slimy head Then back to its portable bed. Wending its horrible way, Allowing nothing to say, Day after miserable day. Interesting simile that darkness is slimy as a snail's head raised, then back to his bed he carries on his back, as it were. This darkness is ominous as it allows you no words, keeps you silent day after day. What is its power that keeps you silent as it wends its horrible way? As I continue to read, I see poet is describing childhood and darkness is very frightening for children. And it appears there are other children with speaker who must be siblings. Stealing the promise of happiness, Pain suspended, unexpressed, Shadows and so used to less. The cold freeze of winter took hold in our hearts, Emptiness learned from a young life in parts, Never allowing our childhoods* to start. *No apostrophe needed. Your rhymes continue to be perfect and the imagery of night and cold is evocative. Such misery for these children who are becoming accustomed to deprivation. The line that really sparked with me: "so used to less." Your delineation of the cold taking hold of the children's hearts is so terrible and sad. Emptiness and the lack of any comfort in their lives is painful to read/hear. You have used the word "allowing" twice in eight lines; you might want to change one to permitting, letting, etc. Your poem's theme is actually child abuse, an unforgiveable state of affairs. Not permitted to have a childhood which each and every child deserves. Like enemies in battle, choosing (up) sides, ....do you need "up"?.... Seeking the strongest to hide behind, The ones who should love us, (so) very blind. ....do you need both adverbs? Deletion evens meter.... Till growth gave us freedom, Life bade us (to) come, ....do you need "to"? And try to forget where we'd all come from. Grand ending but very difficult to attain and maintain...the forgetting of childhood miseries. Abuse such as you deftly detail leaves a scar. That's not to say we can't go on, mend and grow from the experiences, but forgetting will take a lifetime to achieve. I have reacted quite strongly to your poem which is indicative of a well-written piece, otherwise I would have little response. You grow up and can move away from your "very blind" parents or care-givers but that leaves a plethora of years to suffer. I liked your comment of trying to find someone larger to hide behind. Typical of a child and of the theory of survival of the fittest. This is an acutely noir theme and you have given it life by your linguistry. It is also an important topic, seen too frequently in the news, and the more we learn about it, perhaps more action can be taken to rid society of monster parenting. Your poem speaks loudly with a few words, effectively delivered. This is a fine endeavor and one of which you can be proud. Thank you for posting it at TPL and I hope to see more of your fine writing. Best wishes, Mell Morris
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-05-28 19:29:37
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32143
Nancy, I'm glad you have discovered our group here at TPL. I hope I can give a few minor suggestions for this, because it has great potential for an exceptional piece. Please do not take offense, for I intend not to write your poem, only suggest some things for your consideration. First, I would rather not see each line capitalized for IMO it detracts from the flow, forcing the reader to hesitate and discern where each sentence or thought begins and ends. If caps are used at all, I'd only begin actual sentences with them. Only my opinion, and there are some who will disagree I'm sure. I am kind of noted as the "punctuation nut" here, so I'll make a few suggestions along those lines, as well. I wonder, also, if this might be more effective in the present tense. That would get rid of a lot of the -ing's and make the piece more dramatic, I think. There's some great imagery in your poem. Like a snail[,] darkness crept[,] Rearing its slimy head [-] Then back to its portable bed. - [another comma instead of the period, maybe?] Wending its horrible way, Allowing us nothing to say, - [I might delete this comma.] Day after miserable day. - The main thought seems to continue down through the first 10 lines, so maybe some semi-colons would be in store to isolate some of the clauses and phrases a little more, but no periods - yet.] Stealing the promise of happiness, Pain suspended, unexpressed, - [Could this comma go, too?] Shadows and so used to less. - [This is where the strain seems to break off, requiring that period.] The cold freeze of winter took hold in our hearts, Emptiness learned from a young life in parts, - [This seems just a little vague. Is the "in parts" really needed? You have a rhyme in the next line anyway. Only a thought.] Never allowing our childhood's to start. - [no apostrophe for the plural "childhoods". The apostrophe makes it possessive.] Like enemies in battle, choosing up sides, - [delete the 1st comma, and "up"? Better rhythm IMO] Seeking the strongest to hide behind, - [I think a period might work here instead.] The ones who should love us, so very blind. [There is certainly a lot of emotion pouring out of these lines!] Till growth gave us freedom, - [I'd drop both commas from these last lines to give it a quickening sense.] Life bade us to come, And try to forget where we'd all come from. - [...and delete the "try to", for "bade" covers that thought somewhat, then I'd suggest transposing the final phrase to get rid of the ending preposition, such as: "and forget from where we'd all come." - [ I know you have the same word in the line before, but think maybe that one could be changed to another synonym to let the rhyme come at the end without being redundant. I hope you do not think me too harsh, and of course, you are free to ignore any or all of my suggestions for they are only for your consideration, and my intent is only to help, not re-write. Thanks for sharing this emotional piece with us. Write on with my best wishes for happiness and peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-05-28 15:37:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Nancy, First of all don't be embarrased about buying an anthology from poetry.com to see your name in print as I did the sam thing....twice! Then I realized someone should pay me to publish my work not the other way around. Having said that to me this is a gut wrenching poem. When I read your first one and commented on it I avoided saying I thought it was about abuse of a child but this piece makes it quite clear that you have endured more than any child should have and apparently survived only to become stronger...which comes out in your writing. Writing poetry has always been cathartic for me and after the death of my husband I wrote so many poems that were almost too sad for me to read! This is a great piece and I am critiquing it for it's content and meaning it conveys. If you want a technical crit they will come from poets other than myself. There a just a few lines that I think you should work on.... stealing the promise of happiness..good pain suspended, unexpressed,...good shadows and so used to less.....this doesn't quite work for me perhaps just...shadows, used to less would flow better. and the last line you might think about..'and try to forget where we came from'....that is about as technical as I get. The theme is good and the pathos comes out very clear. I admire you for writing and sharing this with us. Blessings....Marlyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-05-28 08:23:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Hey Nancy- I'm embarrassed that I didn't catch the inference to your upbringing and the (now) obvious tough childhood you've miraculously endured. This is another poem confronting that past, a past you'll keep dealing with, I'm sure, for the rest of your life. I think this writing process is your form of healing and dealing with it, and you should be proud of what you're doing and where it's going to take you. There are many who fail to successfully emerge from the cocoon. to the piece: Like a snail darkness crept [darkness here referring to the abusive situation] Rearing its slimy head Then back to its portable bed. [portable referring to the snail's shell] Wending its horrible way, Allowing us nothing to say, Day after miserable day. [creeping through your life inexorably] Stealing the promise of happiness, Pain suspended, unexpressed, Shadows and so used to less. [should there be a comma in here? "so used to" vs. "...so - used to less"?] The cold freeze of winter took hold in our hearts, [need cold w/ freeze of winter???] Emptiness learned from a young life in parts, ["learned" emptiness??? - a better verb?] Never allowing our childhood's to start. [just say "childhood" or "childhoods"] Like enemies in battle, choosing up sides, Seeking the strongest to hide behind, The ones who should love us, so very blind. Till growth gave us freedom, Life bade us to come, [bade us come] And try to forget where we'd all come from. [no. "where we're from"] Break it up visually to set the tercets apart. Work on meter if you're going to rhyme. Rhyming works need a musical beat, right? Musical feet. The next step for this piece is to make all the lines match metrically. Then clean up the imagery and the metaphor of the darkness, the snail. I see you more as the snail than the darkness. Live in the darkness of your shell and emerge to witness and suffer in it. Then the dawning is the shedding of the shell, the adoption or growth of legs and walking on the earth. The dawning of a new you. tom
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