This Poem was Submitted By: Michael N. Fallis On Date: 2004-06-01 11:16:55 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
THE CLOUD THAT FOLLOWS ME In the sky above my head
A shadow cast on me
From dark and grey and flashing clouds
They're there to always see.
Throughout my life where 'ere I go
They rumble over head
And grow in strength until they burst
With misery that they shed.
I've tried to run for cover
Under the umbrella of my friends
I can't blame one, I can't blame all
When I noticed that they fled!
I prayed to God for shelter
From the downpour beating me
A warm and dry asylum
Where the raindrops leave me be
I fear one day this torrent
Will beat me to the ground
And in the rising waters where
They'll find me when I've drowned.
|
|
Copyright © June 2004 Michael N. Fallis
Additional Notes:
Copyright ©2004 Michael N. Fallis
Published Poetry.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-07-01 11:05:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.57692
Mike,
This outpouring of your doldrums had the benefit of a metrical vehicle and the rhyme. The rains from this cloud were mostly iambic and trochaic in their patter. I'd call it The Rain Ballad. One thing i can tell you: do keep writing in meter.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-06-21 23:49:19
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
I really liked the rhyme scheme in this poem. The rhyme felt happy as it pulled me along. To me it felt like the content was in conflict with the rhyme. If this was your purpose then you did it perfectly. I identified with the message. Thank you for sharing this poem. Kay-Ren
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-14 21:27:26
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.33333
Well written, but so depressing and sad to feel the negative emotion pouring from this pen. Some clever and unusual metaphors to capture the reader's eye and ear. The strength of your symbolism is excellent. I don't see how I could recommend any changes. I do wish for you, happiness and peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-06-09 11:41:23
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
You're in the VFW now (Veteran of Forgettable Websites).
Grab a chair and your butts, a beer would be Okay, too!
In the sky above my head
A shadow's cast [on me??]
From dark and grey and flashing clouds
They're [always there] to see.
Throughout my life, [] 'ere I go
They rumble over head
And grow in strength until they burst
With [the] misery [] they shed.
I've tried to run for cover
[Beneath] umbrellas of my friends[;]
I can't blame one, [ ] can't blame all
[Since the day??] they fled!
I prayed to God for shelter
From the downpour beating me,
A warm and dry asylum
Where the raindrops leave me be
I fear one day this torrent
Will beat me to the ground
And in the rising waters []
They'll find [that I have] drowned.
Are you going to be metrically strict with this piece?
If not, then be careful, because a "rhymer" like this needs good rhythm to feel "right."
Clouds overhead, raining, friends bail out, search for God, fear drowning in the rain - I suppose he didn't offer you protection, or you failed to find Him; both very likely the case, IMHO. So you're right. We all drown. Unless you learn how to swim.
tom
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-06-08 18:10:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
Well what works in the poem is the use of weather as an image representing fate or the perils of life and asking godforshelter. I also like the structure of the poem using rhymed quatrains but the third stanza breaks the rhyme scheme and if you decide to do rewrites maybe try to fix that.
I also like how you use color, in the first stanza and sound in the second-appealing to multiple sences is always a good thing in a poem-you have of cource also appealed to the sence of touch and sound with the rain.
I will look for more of your work. Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-06-01 15:36:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Michael–I believe this is my first time reviewing any of your work. I must also say
you’ve posted my favorite genre-the rhyme. Good end rhymes almost throughout the
five quatrains gives it a nice rhythmic ebb and flow.
This piece reads like a metaphoric lament from one who is experiencing troubles.
Although no hint/reference regarding any particular problems, stanza #2 does give
indications of concerns;
“Throughout my life where’ere I go
They rumble over head (overhead)
And grow in strength until they burst
With misery that they shed.”
In stanza #3 speaker allude to a lack of solace from woes being offered by friends;
“I’ve tried to run for cover
Under the umbrella of my friends
I can’t blame one, I can’t blame all
When I noticed that they fled!”
In stanza #4 the speaker’s request for redemption may or may not have been granted
(judging from stanza #5). This ending stanza (IMO) indicates disenchantment and a
loss of self-esteem.
The piece can possibly be made tighter by getting rid of one of the “ands” in stanza #1;
suggestion “From dark grey and flashing clouds...”. I apologize for any misstatement of
your intentions. Thanks for your excellent effort. TLW
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!