This Poem was Submitted By: Edwin John Krizek On Date: 2004-06-14 19:29:22 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Morning Coffee

Sitting in the outdoor café  under overcast skies gray with fluorescence, the old man smoking a cigar says, “Nice way to spend the morning.”  as he walks by. An old blond in pedal pushers parks her bike in front of the art gallery. My lover sneaks up behind me and kisses my ear. A gaggle of wheeled vehicles roll past me as I sit. The air is temperate, pleasant and clear. I stare down the sidewalk at  the couples holding hands  promenading along the storefronts, and hope they are as much in love as I.

Copyright © June 2004 Edwin John Krizek


This Poem was Critiqued By: Jacob W Roberts On Date: 2004-07-06 20:08:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
This scene is very pleasant. Why it exists as a poem, though, I am not sure. Besides the clever diction, there are no noticable devices these words employ, besides enjambment. Ending lines with prepositions, though, is like putting too much cream in the black coffee of your poem. I suggest re-figuring the enjambment specifically on lines 6 and 14. It could lead to some surprises. COULD, that is. The overall sensation you achieve, though, Edwin, is nice.


This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-07-02 14:48:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.10811
Edwin, Another nice poem from you. This time, you slipped the ego in directly, but almost as an object in itself. A mere comparator. Back on your game. Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-06-21 19:52:43
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You make me sad that I didn't fall in love with a poet. I would love to receive a poem like this one. I could almost smell the coffee and the cool morning air as I read the great imagery you've painted with just a few words. I'm learning a lot by reading your poems. My favorite part, that made me giggle, was "A gaggle of wheeled vehicles". In that simple phrase you made me feel that the cars passing by were silly gooses and didn't belong. Okay, I'll stop gushing on you. Thank you for letting us read this. Kay-ren
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rebecca B. Whited On Date: 2004-06-20 21:44:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Edwin, This one certainly stirs the senses and awakens the mind, much like the first sip from a morning cup of brew! I feel as if I am sitting in the outdoor cafe with you, watching as the day unfolds around you...you describe the air in two different ways: "overcast skies gray with fluorescence, and "The air is temperate, pleasant and clear."...perhaps what nature's skies offered for the day, turned clear in your mind, as you realized how much in love you are with life and your love? Nice read; I enjoyed it, Beck
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-06-16 14:56:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Edwin: I really thoroughly enjoyed this piece, having read it several times since you submitted it. The atmospherics, gentle imagery make it memorable. Your crafting is superb. For example: Sitting in the outdoor café under overcast skies gray with fluorescence, --the soft fricative 'f' in L1 and 3, the assonance of "cafe/gray/way" the old man smoking a cigar says, “Nice way to spend the morning.” as he walks by. An old blond in pedal pushers parks ---you've made her strikingly real to me in few words. I like her. her bike in front of the art gallery. (maybe I am her) My lover sneaks up behind me and kisses my ear. --very sweetly affecting A gaggle of wheeled vehicles --great roll past me as I sit. The air is temperate, pleasant and clear. I stare down the sidewalk at the couples holding hands promenading along the storefronts, and hope they are as much in love as I.--lovely~! Perhaps it is a truism, but "all the world loves a lover" holds true for me in this evocative piece. There is something 'catching' about your gentle observations, the pleasure and surprise of the kiss, the feeling of the air. Thank you for this mood lifter, and may you have many more days like this one. This poem is edible. <smile> All my best, Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-14 20:55:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Matter of fact, I think I'd like a cup if it's as good as this. Nice relaxing, very peaceful read with nice imagery, and wonderful emotional catch, crossing your morning coffee with love. One might ask, "So, why not?" You implanted, almost obliquely, some nice slant rhymes: "skies-says", "by-gallery", "sit-at" et al. I caught the "cafe-gray" in the beginning, but wonder if transposing the 3rd line might make it more obvious and stronger, like "skies/of fluorescent gray" or "skies/fluorescently gray". Just a thought. Another "ridiculous" tidbit: how about "pink pedal pushers". No! Just kidding here.:>) Thanks for submitting. Peace. wrl
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