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This Poem was Submitted By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-06-18 02:41:06 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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japanese verse 51 (Belt)

Slowly the serpent Slides its body ‘round my waist Holding loose pants up

This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-07-04 09:08:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.41860
Nice form, Erzahl, but the image of a serpent holding up trousers is somewhat confusing. If a snakeskin belt, I can understand, but... I think there must be something else here that I am missing - therefore, the confusion. Is this simply the fact of putting on a belt, for it seems like the [live] serpent is the active participant? I know the title says [Belt], but the poem makes the serpent seem alive. Why not just state that one is putting on a belt? I won't put words in your mouth [or pen], but would like a little different image for this one. Sorry. Peace. wrl

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-07-01 00:28:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.38095
Erzahl, I don't even know the rules for Haiku. You'd think, there being so many haiku around here, i'd bother to learn. Is a Japanese verse 51 anything like a Colt 45? Does the number have any significance other than letting us know how many you've written? Having recently seen The Last Samurai, and been very, very moved by the nobility of that Katsumoro character and the tradition and the sacrifice of those brave Samurai, i'm of a mind to get to know some haiku. Though i've nothing to offer you as to your haiku, other than a general observation of nice metaphor with the pants, perhaps you would inform me of the tradition and let me know how i did when (i'm gonna do it!) i write one. Mark

This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-06-19 10:52:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Erzahl,not exactly where I would want a snake. I like the poem it slithers due to the s sound alliterations and it also provides evocitive images. Interesting. Sandra

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-06-18 11:29:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.30000
Erzahl--See, he didn't mean you any harm (hahahaa). The visual this paint is too funny, thus, it gets my vote as an excellent senryu. Just another satirical gem from the haiku master. Love it! Enough said. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-06-18 10:21:39
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Very sensual poem which combines the natural world with the personal and physical. A neat trick. and your image is strong and made stronger by such evocative language as "loose" pants. The "snake " has so many meanings in literature and Jungian psychology and add to that the Bibical allusion of the word "serpent" and you have a rich poem indeed. Erzahl, I think if you could find a way 'round the contraction "'round" the poem would flow without the impression that something is being cut off[like Cinderella's sisters toes] to fit the required count.

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