This Poem was Submitted By: Molly Johnson On Date: 2004-06-24 14:36:58 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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The Hive

The humming, the breathing lung,  the sweep of wings suffering a fold as they bend into  the hole and then spring back into the light. I can hear each one as it forces its way home. I am surrounded by babies.  There are robins in the hanging plants singing greedy need. The smallest deer knocking it’s mother from her feet, finding nothing more tender than her  hidden nipple. And the bees, a thriving hive of honey soaked children in the rafters of my home, steal away the need for my house to hum with children of its own.

Copyright © June 2004 Molly Johnson


This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-07-01 03:44:28
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.69565
MollyJ– The piece is saturated with an assonance of the “ee” sound (sweep, greedy, need, deer, feet, bees) and one each internal/end rime (fold/hole; home/own) which combine to create vivid imagery of nature going-ons with natural similarities to humans. A slight difference in line breaks could provide a tighter read (IMO) especially; “...suffering a fold as they bend into the hole and then...” “...knocking it’s mother from her feet,” “...than her hidden nipple.” Excellent personification poem with a positive and earthy tone: uplifting and optimistic outlook. Sorry if I’ve misstated your intentions for this posting. Thanks for sharing. TLW


This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2004-06-25 12:27:45
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.11111
nice structure, easy word flow which brings forth so many wonderful images of the babies of nature surrounding you.....last year we had a bees hive in the tree which hangs over the deck on the back porch and this year in the same pot mama robin made her nest and had four babies which were probably too many for she left one egg unhatched in the nest.......your choice of words brings forth much in the line of images and emotions yet the sadness in the closing stanza holds an emptiness within the home without children to run and play in.......perhaps someday.....another poem will come forth and bring joy to the home.....thanks for posting and sharing with us.......looking forward to finding more of your work....be safe, God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2004-06-25 11:59:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.40000
Re: "The Hive" This is an astute acknowledgment of the babes of Spring that unfold new life every year. It's bees, birds, deer, and even the fauna takes part. This is well-told, Molly, and in a style pleasant to read. Thank you for posting. Len McIntosh
This Poem was Critiqued By: Rachel F. Spinoza On Date: 2004-06-25 11:57:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Oh, Molly, what longing, what luscious consonants.This one hums with children of ITS own .. A spectacular auditory treat. Gosh it's great to have you back. The humming, [that most onomatopoeic of words] the breathing lung, Sounds good – but what other function do lungs have? Perhaps another adjective there? the sweep of wings suffering a fold as they bend into the hole and then spring back into the light. Wonderful image! I can hear each one as it forces its way home. Perhaps just’ [I hear each one force its way home?] I am surrounded by babies. The surprise of this human word here jars us into the metaphor – wonderful; There are robins in the hanging plants singing greedy need. Great assonance in “singing greedy need” The smallest deer knocking [its] mother from her feet, finding nothing more tender than her hidden nipple. Ahhhh…wonderful and lots to think about re mother/fawn relationships and mother/child relationship in general, And the bees, a thriving hive [more terrific internal rhyme } of honey soaked children [yes yes!] in the rafters of my home, steal away the need for my house to hum with children of its own. And the central point hits home! This is what poetry can be. Brava.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-24 21:13:30
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.38462
Hey! Molly/Melissa. Nice to get over that identity thing, eh? Sorry to bring it back up, but I am just teasing - a little. :>) lol Anyway, I truly enjoyed this one. It is loaded with imagery of the finest kind - sound, too [the ee's in S2 keep us reminded of the bees in S1, and connect them to S3] IMO. The closing 2 lines were a surprise [and that's fine], but it added just a touch of loneliness and sadness for the lack of children. The assonance [e.g. the u's in S1, and the short i's at the close of S2] was truly great, as well. I see nothing to suggest for improving this. Thanks for sharing this one with us [busy little bees] :-) Share more as time will allow. Peace. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-06-24 15:41:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Molly: I haven't seen a poem of yours in forever and it is always a pleasure to see your name on my list. Your title suggests that the subject will be about hymenopterous critters and their home; especially their home. Having read the poem, I find it a metaphor for a busy, thriving, bustling home, seen through the eyes of a barren woman or one whose children are grown and gone. We have agreed to do shorter crits (hooray) so I won't point to all your poetics but they are duly noted. The 1st stanza is lovely and alluring...I want to read on because those six lines are wonderful. More babies: robins, deer...the imagery deftly drawn. The only change needed is to remove the apostrophe from "its" from S2, line 4. Final stanza delivers the epiphany: no children in this home. And the bees, a thriving hive of honey-soaked children in the rafters of my home, steal away the need for my house (and me) to hum with children of its own." The linguistry is exquisite, Molly. I can easily imagine the way the bees have hived in a cone shape, hanging from something old, perhaps a coat rack. And the grand humming to which you return...after the 1st stanza. I can hear this. My father raised bees as a hobby and he was fascinated by their behavior. And the honey they made from the clover of the fields had a taste I've not encountered before nor since. Your poem is an accomplishement of writing, lyrical and professional from a true poet. I enjoyed every syllable and hope to see more in the future. Brava! Best wishes, Mell
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