This Poem was Submitted By: Jana Buck Hanks On Date: 2004-06-28 11:45:01 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Watcher (revised) I watch them come
shoulder
to shoulder
in shimmering anticipation
we form
the cast of millions
each
an integral part
of the whole
from the clouded
distance
in time
and space
they move
colorless monochromatic
shadows of the lost
legions of warriors
diverse disunited
ragtag apparitions
of senseless death
drawn to cluster
as one
last pass
in review
for we watchers
on the invisible
path
fabricated between
our parallel
queues
their silent liquid footsteps fall
quietly echoing
the quickening
cadence of my heart
these who have fallen
and bled out life
for freedom's ring
bring
a stinging
tear to my soul
in unison
generation
after
faded generation
of some sad mother's child
finally
understands ubiety
they no longer
are alive
but now travel this road
called Glory
heading
home
harmoniously
at the hands of
watching angelic guides
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Copyright © June 2004 Jana Buck Hanks
Additional Notes:
for timeless time...
This Poem was Critiqued By: Jordan Brendez Bandojo On Date: 2004-07-06 05:09:47
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.80000
Hi Janna,
I am just stopping by because I missed TPL already.
'Been very busy and no more time for critiquing.
This is a wonderful artistry and thanks for the wonderful read.\
Jordan
This Poem was Critiqued By: Mark Steven Scheffer On Date: 2004-06-30 13:13:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.00000
Jana,
The poem was formatted, and read, like a journey. And ended like one. It worked.
Mark
This Poem was Critiqued By: Wayne R. Leach On Date: 2004-06-28 21:56:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.32432
Aha! Tribute to those who have, over the generations, given all for our liberty. This is a very carefully crafted piece of work, with its delicate form, its abundance of alliteration, rhyming and assonance, its harmonious yet steadfast cadence, its outstanding imagery and powerful closing couplet. You should be mighty proud of this contribution, and I will not offer a thing to detract from its glory. Best wishes for success with this one, Jana. wrl
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-06-28 12:32:59
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Jana:
You have come back to TPL, dipping a toe in the water at first, but now,
plunge in with full force in a majestic dive into celestial waters! The
poet in you is stronger than ever, and here I think you've excelled
in a way that defies categorization. The poem is sublime! It has a
heartbeat and is alive in the sense that words can form entities
of meaning and act as messengers, perhaps each poem has its own
angel -- who knows? -- and if so, this poem's angel speaks to
the higher self of each reader. What power, compassion, and
vision.
I watch them come
shoulder
to shoulder
in shimmering anticipation
we form
the cast of millions
each
an integral part
of the whole
How vivid, evocative is the "we" --indeed, you show us with magnificent imagery
what John Donne wrote of in his famous quotation, "Therefore ask not for whom the
bell tolls; it tolls for thee." You show us that each life matters, is "an integral
part of the whole. Yet this is not a sermon, it is clearly a poem. From the title,
through the flowing lines which seem to cascade down the page in the way the
"shadows of the lost legions of warriors. . .pass in review." You make it real,
and clearly it is on a par with the best metaphysical poetry.
from the clouded
distance
in time
and space
they move
colorless monochromatic (I think that both words work well here, just as "diverse disunited" works.)
shadows of the lost
legions of warriors
diverse disunited
ragtag apparitions--WONDERFUL!
of senseless death
drawn to cluster
as one
last pass
in review
for we watchers
The spacing here allows us, as readers, as "watchers" to realize our stance
of separateness, to identify why the legions of soldiers we see daily on
the news give us deep pangs of sorrow. "senseless death" is pure poetry in
the assonance of the short 'e' sound, as is "last/pass/path/fabricated" --brilliantly
done!
on the invisible
path
fabricated between
our parallel
queues
their "silent liquid footsteps fall" --amazing onomatopoeia
quietly echoing
the quickening
cadence of my heart
these who have fallen
and bled out life
for freedom's ring
bring
a stinging
tear to my soul --that you write with your soul is most evident here
in unison
generation
after
faded generation
of some sad mother's child
finally
understands ubiety (location where they are?)
they no longer
are alive
but now travel this road
called Glory --Yes!
heading
home
harmoniously
at the hands of
watching angelic guides
Jana, you've struck a chord in this poem which resonates and will continue
to ring, long after the reading. We cannot forget that those who "now
travel this road" are not abandoned, but always in the "hands of watching
angelic guides." We must continue to hold them in our hearts, (those from
ALL nations) and work towards peace in whatever corner of the world we
inhabit. This poem adds substantially to the understanding that we are
really each part of a whole, that the world is really made of all of
those who have ever lived, live now, and will yet live. We are brothers
and sisters, yet to be reunited. Profound, of the highest in concept,
healing in effect.
Brava!!
My best to you always,
Joanne
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