This Poem was Submitted By: cheryl a kelley On Date: 2004-09-15 16:34:41 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
Click Here To add this poem to your "Voting Possibilities" list!
On a Bench by the Potomac Eleven women rowing in unison
cut a fast glide through the Potomac
As a 747 dips slowly by
Faster, faster a man soars his bicycle by on the sidewalk
just in front of me.
Slowly, slowly, at lightening speed
at the speed of my life
My mind turns perceptions
My mother greeting us with a slow smile
and warm cocoa after a day spent playing in the snow
My mother growing slowly placid and silent on the couch
then moments or days or weeks later slowly
retreating to her bedroom
My mother throwing a fast rollerskate at Lisa's head
My mother, faster than anyone expected, negotiating a million dollar deal
for an embassy in Saudi Arabia
A man walks past my bench
I look up to see the slow turn of his head
the lightening bolt of his stare,
the quick turn of his smile
And I'm frightened by my
inability to interpret speed.
|
|
Copyright © September 2004 cheryl a kelley
This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2004-10-04 00:33:16
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
cheryl,
it's amazing the vivid illustrations that can be captured and wrapped up in a poem. This is a wonderful illustration.
it's personal, it's interesting, and most importantly it's highly creative.
you call the readers' attention to a subject that we don't see or hear about everyday. actually, it's a subject that we either take for granted or forget that its there -- the speed of everything.
We live in a world where things are continually happening all around us, and I think you introduce us to a great example of this in your poem, and it all happens from a park bench. There are several places from which we could probably write a poem like this: a park bench, a mall bench, an athletic game, a carnival/fair, etc.
Who stops to really think on these things, not many people. Poets are more likely to do it more often than those who do not write or think outside the box.
Thank you for sharing it with us here at TPL.
I also think that you make a very good illustration of your mother with the things that go on in her life in seemingly "a blink of an eye."
I look forward to reading more of your work. Great job!
Latorial
www.latorial.com
This Poem was Critiqued By: Sandra J Kelley On Date: 2004-09-28 17:17:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
Cheryl, as always I think you needto rework some of your lines so they fit better on the page and look better to the eye.
Try approximately six to eight syllables per line when you are talking about fast things and about ten to twelve when you are talking about the slow side.
I like going from the bench to your memories then to the bench again but the poem may have a few too many images, 747, rowers and the bicycle... Maybe just one there-the rowers since your imagery there is so good.
I love the last stanza.
Sandra
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-09-23 14:12:00
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Cheryl:
I am so intrigued with what you've done in this poem -- moved
beyond 'language' into the realm of the surreal. The alteration
of time is one of the features that works especially well in
this poem.
Eleven women rowing in unison
cut a fast glide through the Potomac
As a 747 dips slowly by
Faster, faster a man soars his bicycle by on the sidewalk
just in front of me.
You place the reader deftly at the scene, where the relative speeds of
the women rowing, the jet and the cyclist can be 'felt' and seen. The
speaker is immobile, while women, probably in the mid-distance, "cut
a fast glide" and the "747 dips slowly by" much farther in the distance.
Closest is the man, "just in front of me" who appears to be soaring
"faster and faster" as the distance between him and the speaker
changes. We are shown how everything observed with her senses
has a speed relative to her perceptions of the distance, and to
'ordinary' experiences of these objects. It is the alteration of
the way her "mind turns perception" that makes this extraordinary
poem fascinating for me.
Slowly, slowly, at lightening speed --amazing juxtaposition
There is comforting imagery:
My mother greeting us with a slow smile
and warm cocoa after a day spent playing in the snow
Along with increasingly discomfiting imagery:
My mother growing slowly placid and silent on the couch
then moments or days or weeks later slowly
retreating to her bedroom
Again, "speed" is the chief feature of change as the speaker
recalls for us the scenes which occur at "the speed of my life":
"My mother throwing a fast rollerskate at Lisa's head"
First, "slowly", then "fast" and then, "faster than anyone expected"--
"My mother, faster than anyone expected, negotiating a million dollar deal
for an embassy in Saudi Arabia"
Now we are completely immersed in the speaker's subjective view. The
'close-up' of the man walking by offers perspective and adds to the
eery, surreal feeling of this piece:
A man walks past my bench
I look up to see the slow turn of his head
the lightening bolt of his stare,
the quick turn of his smile
It feels as if the speaker's jarring experiences have predisposed her to
enhanced sensitivity to mood changes and the speed at which these take
place. Her mother's growing mental illness have made her hypervigilant,
alarmingly altering her way of understanding the world:
And I'm frightened by my
inability to interpret speed.
I love this poem! The present tense sits the reader in the speaker's place,
and allows each of us to examine our own subjectivity in the light of our
life experiences. The original way you've done this is mesmerizing, and
also instructive. Fine work, and a great pleasure to read, though
somewhat disconcerting. Thank you for a tremendously well thought-out
and evocative poem, once more.
Brava!
All my best,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Robert Wyma On Date: 2004-09-18 14:01:08
Critiquer Rating During Critique: Unknown
You have caught the ever widening range of how fast our lives are at the top end, in contrast to how slow it can on another level of awareness. This really defines our modern age, high-speed everything, juxtopositioned against the ordinary pieces of our life that evolve much slowly. Travel abroad and back accomplished in week, but the deterioration of a loved one can seem endless and painfully slow. I think the honesty in this poem conveys in context how little we realize that the tension between the two extremes creates chaos in our lives. I like the way you use contrast in your writing to engage the reader,
"slowly slowly at lightening speed"
"slow turn of his head the lightening bolt of his stare"
A very well written honest personal critique of our crazy ways. Thanks for sharing.
Robert
This Poem was Critiqued By: Patricia Gibson-Williams On Date: 2004-09-16 13:56:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
I’m not sure that I can do this poem justice, it was so moving. I don’t remember reading anything of yours before, but I plan to soon. I really did want to know a little more about the story, but I feel like I understood the feelings behind it.
It sounds to me a little like my life (except I’ll never be so high as to negotiate “a million dollar deal.” But when you are in a manic phase nothing seems impossible, and when you are depressed nothing seems attainable. At least at the farthest ends of spectrum. When you are manic; life whizzes by “faster, faster” and then sometimes so suddenly it seems surreal – you sink into “slowly, slowly” losing yourself and time and speed and the ability to understand how everything could change, when nothing has changed.
You have done an amazing job on this, I wish I had as much talent as many of the writers on this site. I actually got goose bumps as I read. I worry so much that if I am blessed with children that they will suffer, because of my problems. I working on finding out what works for me to keep “time” in line. I would never have thought to describe it that way, but it’s perfect. I usually only give “gut” critiques, about how the poem effected me; but I didn’t see anything (no typos or such) that I would suggest changing. You have truly touched me with your words.
Patti
This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-09-15 19:48:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.03704
The pace of life has so often changed for me, left me bewildered , in need of calibration from some universal clock - BUT I don't know how to access such a thing, Thanks for the good read much in joyed.
Poetry Contests Online at The Poetic Link
Click HERE to
return to ThePoeticLink.com Database Page!