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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-10-10 18:45:02 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Moon haiku #1

Silver sickle moon tinsels mountain peaks and trees tosses coins to sea

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-11-06 13:43:32
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.78261
Joanne, Finally! It took forever to get to this little gem! Your imagry is beautiful! First silver/sickle alliteration and assonance works well here and the metaphor is extremely unique! Then, in "tinsels mountain peaks and trees", the use of tinsels as a verb is absolutely brilliant and the imagry produced there is exceptional. But if that wasn't good enough, then you add "Tosses coins in the sea" and I can see the reflection in the water and the tiny ripples on the surface making the reflection look like golden coins being poured right into the sea! I am awesomized by that last line. This is an example of few words saying so much and why I enjoy your writing whether lengthly or short you have a way of chosing just the right words. Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-11-01 22:21:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Joanne, The imageries here are powerful and rich! In a short instance, you have magnified the “brilliance” of this mystifying being. I enjoyed the current color “silver” and shape “sickle” – it adds beauty to its character. The use of “tinsels” for line 2 and “tosses” for line 3 is so ideal...in sound, in meaning and in usage. Again, you have cast your “spell” in your writing. Again, I am intoxicated and hypnotized by your choice of words and subjects. The tranquility of the images and lyrics are overwhelmingly experienced…especially when I reread and reread this! As if I am presently standing on the field…on the beach, staring to the sky and under it…appreciating the wonder of the night. Amazing! As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Thomas Edward Wright On Date: 2004-10-25 12:06:20
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
OK. This one's better. tom

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-10-22 13:23:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.66667
Joanne, Am glad to see another haiku of yours. I read this many times to reach an accord with your passion and translation. This one did not come easy, but I felt it should. I wonder if you were reaching for something a little different than your normal predisposition would warrant, and therefore, this added a little mystery. Silver sickle moon, first off I noticed you chose "silver", since a moon is never "silver", you were obviously watching the moon from the reflection in a lake, which sits at the base of your mountain. That is important to the verse, because it shows a propensity for seeing beauty as a whole, and the crescent moon would be adding "character" to the entire beauty of the night/world. tinsels mountain peaks and trees, a referral back to the moon, and this verse has a hint of celebration, "tinsel" like christmas adornments, granted the peaks and trees, in the reflection of the entirety of the appeal. Tinsel also is "silver", silver being the "25th anniversary" representation also easily porports to those celebrations of the past, past cycles, that leave a beauty only reflected by the actual present visuals. tosses coins to the sea, As I have said, I read this many times to try and grasp metaphors you were referring to, but I also thought you were writing on less familiar grounds, so I looked for metaphors you may have written in, of you, in a quest for something less familiar to you. The first of course, with me, is the ripples that in the moonlight, look like little silver coins being tossed into the sea. It is mesmerizing in it's appeal, and I have often watched spellbound as if a compelling story was unfolding before me. In this case, of course, it is the sentinel story of mountain, life and the universe. Once again, the silver moon, which competes with the stars, is the source of the light granting this beautiful vision. But also, the silver responds with wisdom, as the silver hair of life, without temerity, colors the world in reflection, a reflection more true than those who have not the years to see such beauty. This is a marvelous piece, I have read time and again. Your story I think, and you are right to believe that those who look at the reflection are granted the benefit of the beauty gained in the passing. Thank you for sharing this piece Joanne, it is well said.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Latorial D. Faison On Date: 2004-10-13 17:55:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.47826
Joanne, I didn't realize that I had 1 and 2 still on my list. I really like this one because of the s sounds (smile). Silver sickle. Those two words set the tone, the temperature and everything for this one. I can actually visualize the scene that you portray in just these brief words. There are mountains with snowy peaks, a sea of water and a beautiful silver moon shining (and there's probably a great reflection off the water) as the snow and icicles glisten in the night. This is natural beauty. Thanks for sharing it. I enjoyed reading it. I'll have to read number 2 now. Great job on this Moon Collection. Latorial www.latorial.com

This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2004-10-13 05:16:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.61905
Good morning Joanne-my little haiku queen! Tis the mysterious moon that you choose. And your poetic lens, Tends to blend all the ends, Delivering lyrical views. nice alliteration throughout--silver sickle just slips right out of my mouth each time I say it, and though it feels a little awkward, it's still fun (like those first few jumps on a trampoline). mysterious moon there is madness in your gaze or so it is said (this is fun)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-10-10 21:19:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Great wall-lurking, quixotic queen: It's no surprise to see haiku from you as you have always had the takent of "writing down the bone" or paring till it's bare. You know how I dislike reviewing and I do not normally look at this form for several reasons. There's simply not enough into which I can sink my teeth. I'm so verbose, and seventeen syllables provide paucity for comment. Silver sickle moon is a beauteous phrase for we have all seen the crescent silver moon. In the metaphor of sickle, this is deep and elusive...especially for Japanese verse. A sickle scythes and your moon "sighs" and "moans" as the blade has "mown". This rich play with words leaves me looking aroung my room... like, am I on the same planet as this godess of verse? This silver, pale moon could be seen as anemic and that reminds of sickle-cell disease, also crescent-shaped cells. One with sickle-cell anemia would be gazing at the moon, held in high esteem by certain cultures and races. tinsels mountain peaks and trees A lovely, complex phrase telling the reader that this quicksilver decorates mountains and trees. I think of someone "peeking" at the peaks and capturing it (treed). We think of tinsel at Christmas and on Christmas trees so this is like tatted Alencon (sp) lace. The end line brought smiles to me: tosses coins to sea... tosses coigns to see. Heavenly daze, majesteic poetess...I do not know where else to go nor have I ever encountered such metaphoric beauty. You make every syllable count...whether whisper or shout. I find myself breathless at someone who can give such enormity of beauty in twelve words. Nothing to say but I saw a second Moon which if strength continues, I'll look at tomorrow. Exquisite poetess of clarity and light, thank you for elevating my being this evening. Much love, deep regards, Mell

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-10-10 20:43:06
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne--Superb nonliteral language and all techs met for this nocturnal haiku (three lines/5-7-5 syllables/nature themed)depicting a shinning waning (later decreased stage) or waxing (early growing stages) "Moon" reflecting moonlight from snow capped "...mountain peaks and trees..." and deflecting it onto "... sea." The descriptors of this scenic view produces vivid imagery of a breathtaking nature. Thanks for venturing, TPLers were rewarded. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-10-10 19:28:27
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Joanne, Wow, haiku even. This is lovely withs it vivid detail of a moonlit night. There seems an interesting message, too: the moon "tinsels" - what a great verb! - the land features, but offers something of tangible value only to the water. Tinsel is all glitter and no substance, although undeniably pretty. It temporari;y makes any surface look magical and new. Coins can be visually attractive but their true worth lies in the way they are used. One can hoard their shining discs for later benefit. Tinsel dulls with time; coins remain valuable, even just as artifacts. The "silver sickle" is a reaper's tool as well as a shape. It is also part of the Wiccan implement called a bolline, for harvesting and preparing herbs and assisting in other healing rituals. This suits the implicit lunar ideas of both femininity and transience. Mountains and trees pass away in time; the seas are eternal, although their boundaries will shift as the continents move. If I were the moon goddess I, too, would offer my treasure to the ocean and be less concerned with the land, except to briefly beautify it in passing. I may well be reading too deeply into a poem of imagery. But you will know whether or not I am doing that, and also whether or not what I've noted is actually true. : ) Brenda

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