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This Poem was Submitted By: Laura Jeanne Dean On Date: 2004-11-07 20:19:25 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Calluses

Darkness does not lasso serenity to give me calm sleep. At the end of the day’s reality, I am submerged instead into a warm bath of vivid colors. Tomorrow’s bane then slips from view as I become lost in dream In the midst of legs chasing fantasy, my stiffening body calls to me. I come to the surface unable to move. The purr of your snore subsides as I whisper your name. Your beard nuzzles comfort in my neck. I know your hands so well. The calluses you have earned slide over my taut frame in search of my extent of need. They know the path too well. The magic is still in the bottle. Yes, the medication still works. The medication still works. I am blessed. Life has returned. You see clarity return to my eyes and await my assurance that I will be alright. My dear, drift back to sleep. We have made it through the night and now deserve rest.

This Poem was Critiqued By: Elaine Marie Phalen On Date: 2004-12-02 08:10:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Laura, what a wonderful poem! It's imbued with peace and gentleness, from first line to last. The speaker is clearly content with her lot in life and grateful for the man who shares it and quiets her anxieties. Her overwhelming sense of tranquillity comes not from night itself, and the routine of going to bed, but from an innerscape of great joy. She may suffer from initial restlessness but through the support of her mate, it passes. Darkness does not lasso serenity .... lovely! to give me calm sleep. At the end of the day’s reality, I am submerged instead ... 'submerged' is a comforting verb into a warm bath of vivid colors. ... reassuring; reminiscent of the aura of a healthy person Tomorrow’s bane then slips from view ... 'tomorrow's bane', yes; sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof ................... In the midst of legs chasing fantasy, ... great use of metonymy as the legs 'run' the dreamer my stiffening body calls to me. ... vivid kinesthetic image I come to the surface unable to move. The purr of your snore subsides ... lovely 'r' consonance to suggest the soft sound as I whisper your name. Your beard nuzzles comfort in [into?] my neck. I know your hands so well. The calluses you have earned slide over my taut frame ... nice contrast between callused hands and quiet body in search of my extent of need. They know the path [too well]. ... not sure if you need 'too well' so close after 'so well'; your call. The magic is still in the bottle. .... good affirmation! Yes, the medication still works. The medication still works. ... I like the double meaning of the 'magic bottle' as well as desire as a 'drug' that stifles restlessness In the end, the speaker leaves her half-awake visions and is once more part of the reality of her husband's love. [He may not be her husband, but spiritually he's her soulmate]. There's a feeling of morning, the coming of light, in the final lines: My dear, drift back to sleep. We have made it through the night and now deserve rest. Lovely, soft consonants have been used throughout the poem, as here. You've included many s/r sounds, which are gentle on the tongue. This is a calming piece that has definitely 'made my morning'. I am recently bereaved - mother, father-in-law - and such a poem offers me much by way of grace and beauty. Thank You. Brenda

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-11-25 11:33:49
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.91667
Hi Laura, This is a poignant poem that I have read over and over. At first I thought you may have been dreaming about your mate who had passed away as I did that when my husband died. But looking deep into the words I see you as a person that needs medication to navigate your life. Your husband is constantly worried about you and you must assure him every day or night that you are O.K. and he can rest easy knowing you will still be beside him in the morning's dawn....'darkness does not lasso serenity'...I love this line and the minute I read it I knew I was in for a treat....'a warm bath in vivid colors (beautiful) I become lost in dream'...my stiffening body calls to me..I come to the surface unable to move' these lines say to me that medication is needed to sleep without pain and makes it most difficult for you to regain wakefullness. The third stanza is especially lovely as you speak of your mate who knows you so well and you can feel his callused hands on your skin...you feel calm and peaceful beside him. 'The medication is still in the bottle...it still works...life has returned....'My dear, drift back to sleep we have made it through the night and now deserve to rest'...I hope I have not fractured the meaning of this poem but it speaks to me in this manner. I was once very ill and not expected to live and I doubt if my husband ever had a peaceful nights sleep during that time...now did I when he was so ill. I love this poem and am so mad that I did not write it!! Brava Blessings...Marilyn

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2004-11-15 12:27:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Laura: I just spent two hours in critting your poem and because i can only be out of bed a few hoursw, there's no way I can capture what I wrote. Encapsulated, your ability to draw forth imagery works upon the reader's senses. Your professional note, your unique descriptors give the readers a fresh look at life. The bed sequence with the touch of his callused hands on your sensory body depicts two peoplevery habituated to the other's needs. Poet seems the more imaginative of you two. Laura, I must go lie down. Your poem is a savory feast, a treasure rarely encountered, and should emerge high on the contest list. I will read it with gusto. Best wishes, Mell Morris

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-11-09 09:13:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Laura, well, here goes, I have read this, and gone away, and read this, and left with only notions that tug at my soul. Read this and gone away, but this has got to be done, and i will try and do this piece justice. Beginning, "darkness does not lasso serenity", there is a poetic line that, had you left your verse alone, and said here it is, I would have said "wow". Your meaning that there is something innately unsettling about the darkness that leads to sleep, and being 50, I often know that feeling, then you speak almost a soliloquy about the hope of dreams, which will bring you "vividness". A beautiful first stanza, very much home to me. I, of course, do not know you well, but I feel that the rest of the poem is your dream, or at least a metaphor to your desires left alone. Dreams of the man no longer there, the man of your dreams, the man who is an isotope to the radiating of your soul and love. This man knows you well, and you know him well, and it is in that guise that the medication is a salve to the soul, to the longing heart. "the magic" it remains, whether metaphor or not. If he still lays with you, you still have the metaphor of living the magic. Finally, in response, it remains that "vivid" moment of colors, and you sleep in piece, he in your dreams, maybe in reality, but nevertheless, the moment far exceeded the need for "darkness to lasso serenity". A beautiful piece. I hope I did not butcher your meaning. A voting list piece.

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