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This Poem was Submitted By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2004-11-18 16:56:45 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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November Elegy (connected haiku)

Blackish-brown debris covers the earth with remains spit back by the wind Lingering frogs--gone! Birds sing faint farewell to dropped yellow leaves Calm in downward flight, leaves crave more than burial-- glorious descent. Brassy calls of geese sound surprisingly thankful, leaving me behind

This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-12-06 07:46:34
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25641
In the first I see the leaves twirling in the wind, giving asignal in the second for the animals to depart, the third one makes me think do the leaves seek burial at all I find myself answering yes only in the sence that to join with the soil it will once more become part of a living being once more only of course after it hang glides through the scenic space between the limb it leaves behind and the embrcae of the ground, and lastly the geese making what sounds like their getaway glad to hit the vacation sites they've been dreaming of. Thanks as always for letting me read and comment.

This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2004-11-30 12:46:04
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
You know I couldn't resist.... Temperature guage Begins decreasing each day Bracing for the cold Leaves changing colors Shout a last, silent hurrah In gorgeous hues worn Skies gray and windy chills Seek to offset cheer and warmth The holidays bring And birds say goodbye Inviting you to come with By pointing the way Your first really captures the feelings you sometimes get when Autumn sets in. I sometimes feel the presence of death looking at naked trees shivering in the wind. And the second reminds me of the sense of loss that comes in the season of thanks as migrating birds seem more like deserters leaving me to alone to face what comes. The third you'll notice I shamelessly stole to use in my second. The fourth is my favorite. I love those "brassy" calls from the geese (love your use of that word!), and you really reveal the subtle sadness felt by losing (being left behind) something suddenly beautiful. What a neat format! Never thought of stringing them together like that. As usual, you have delivered yet again poetry that not only makes me think, it inspires me to write as well. Thank you. Good to see you again-

This Poem was Critiqued By: Erzahl Leo M. Espino On Date: 2004-11-29 20:32:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
Hi Joanne, What a find is this! Again, my mind and thoughts are fed with worth-pondering poetries. You never fail to steal reader’s attention and consume it with unforgettable messages. You are very good on this! From the title itself, you already captured the mood. And to read it in a complicated structure just made this work in high-caliber. Not only in haiku, now you are into “renga” (chained of verses or connected haiku). You have proven your versatility in great ease. “Blackish-brown debris covers the earth with remains spit back by the wind” --- Again, your showmanship in painting your words with colors is evident here! You are a brilliant word painter! “Lingering frogs--gone! Birds sing faint farewell - just 5 syllables? to dropped yellow leaves” --- I find expanding a common message in short 3 lines, 3 subjects and 3 scenes a hard thing to do. Here, you’ve done it effortless! Wow! “Calm in downward flight, leaves crave more than burial-- glorious descent.” --- Wow, “glorious decent”! This is more than nice! I know that in traditional haiku, its not advisable to put too much adjectives but for this one “glorious descent” – this is just perfect! Nice choice of words! “Brassy calls of geese sound surprisingly thankful, leaving me behind” --- Again, the pondering, the mystery is back. To end it with this, justifies your unique art! And that makes your work a unique beauty. Only ones who knew you deeply can appreciate it! Again, thank you for sharing this BEAUTY, this eternal INSPIRATION. “November Elegy” if I’m not mistaken it is the time of your son’s death (still not sure, what I knew was “October”…”September”? - well I knew its something “BER”). I also see here the end of spring and the coming of fall or winter…whatever it is, effectively you have reached this READER your innermost feeling and observation…and I am very pleased to be in connection with you. You have bounded my heart with yours. As always, Erzahl :)

This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2004-11-23 15:44:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.95833
Joanne, I guess I should be glad to critique this new version of your verse, but since you seem to have “spirited” the other version away, I must tell you, this “style” adds some and takes away from the previous version. As an Haiku, it is required that the “universal symbolism” and specific “nudis verbis” be evaluated separately. Blackish-brown debris covers the earth with remains spit back by the wind – Your first stanza stands much speaks to the dying of the spring/summer evolution. “blackish-brown” is moribund, simply in description and when you compound this word with “debris” it resonates dying, replaceable, of no further use. You continue on , “covers the earth with remains”, remains, unwanted, defecation, no longer containing life, once again reinforces your idea that life comes to a definite transition point. Finally, in an odd switch of tone, you speak of the wind “spitting” those remains back. Here we have the active breath, if you will, of nature, choosing to discard. One can assume that the remains are unwanted, or there is a “greater plan” that the reader is yet unaware of. Of course, you and I know that answer, but let’s pretend. What we are left with is the allusion to life, by the death which now defines all life. Lingering frogs--gone! Birds sing faint farewell to dropped yellow leaves – Frogs GONE – proclamation to all around that it is time for all who remain to leave or prepare for winters worst!! In this evolution your birds “sing a faint farewell”, and I wonder what birds remain. It is November, and I think I need their encouragement…. to “dropped yellow leaves”, soon to be blackish-brown debris, the birds sing, a eulogy?… and the leaves, to far gone to respond. Calm in downward flight, leaves crave more than burial-- glorious descent. – The leaves, who are the only real sentient persona throughout this poem, calm in downward flight, calm because?… one can surmise they know the cycle to be, and after the “glorious descent” they will combine with the nature of life, and be reborn to life again, or maybe they just like the ride. Brassy calls of geese sound surprisingly thankful, leaving me behind – Once again the geese, they always sound hopeful as they travel on the next great adventure, in their patterns which mimic the patterns of nature herself. Now here, other than the entirety of the tone of the verse, you interject yourself. “Leaving me behind”. I think the cycle of life has us all, and although the hopeful sounds of those to follow is desirable, there is enough of the “blackish-brown” throughout life that one must forgive the cycle that decries such, and look to the cycle that suits all of nature, that cycle of life. Joanne, I think this has such a different “feel” than the other format, I do wish you had kept the first version, and let us glory in two perspectives awash with each other. Great piece!!

This Poem was Critiqued By: Jennifer j Hill On Date: 2004-11-20 22:59:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joanne, I got very pleasantly side tracked with the fun of "Earth, Moon and Sun", but now I'm here to dive in to this seriously mournful connected Haiku. Blackish-brown debris----------nice alliteration covers the earth with remains spit back by the wind----------soft "I" assonance At first I was like yuck! what use can we have for this debris. Then I realized that the wind spits it back for a reason. To insulate the living from the cold that kills with a blanket that covers all and keeps it safe 'till next spring. But the word on the wind is death to the living foilage. The unavoidable death that we have no control over. No matter how we want it to stay, it's gone and a hopelessness is felt. Lingering frogs--gone!--------soft "O" assonance Birds sing faint farewell-----fricative illits are great! to dropped yellow leaves The last of the frogs have gone and the birds are saying goodbye. It's sad and you don't want to say goodbye. Might manage a see ya later, though. Calm in downward flight, leaves crave more than burial-- glorious descent. It's their destiny, but they want to go in style, not sad, they are happy to fulfill their purpose. How dare them! Brassy calls of geese----great use of sound, that is the perfect description of geese calls sound surprisingly thankful,----sweet "S" allit leaving me behind ----you begin and end in "B" and have carried the B's all the way through these CH Always being left behind. Why do they always go? And we're left here waiting. This somber, even sorrowful elegy says more then meets the eye, I think. Makes me feel teary. Good thing we have some things to look forward to, huh? My thoughts are with you tonight, Joanne, may you always know that the leaves and the frogs and the trees and the geese and birds and their maker love you so! Blessings, Jennifer

This Poem was Critiqued By: Turner Lee Williams On Date: 2004-11-19 15:16:42
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Joanne--I blame my response on a fellow TPLer who sometimes reply in a similar vein. Excellent imagination/"experimentation" in arrangement. Each stanza could stand alone and still easily hold their own. The choice to combine them here, makes story that much more dear. Of nature your theme quite clear, always a bit about birds, we hear. For earth, frogs, fowl, and leaves: release of pieces as seasons cleaves. Protagonist not only sad about lost, would gladly join exodus at any cost. At this point I'll give my pen rest, brevity of verbiage all Haiku's test. You've now given others of us a unique approach to this site's ever- growing popular genre. Thanks for your inventive post. TLW

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2004-11-18 17:45:46
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Hi Joanne, Have you always written haiku? The answer must be yes or you could not be so accomplished at it! Blackish-brown debris...what a perfect description of the debris that blows across my yard covers the earth with remians...yes just pieces of summer are left behind spit back by the wind...this is my favorite line and I don't understand why I could not have thought of it! Our winter wind always spits...love this lingering frogs-gone!....they just can't linger till the very end...just too cold birds sing faint farewell...their songs are faint..perhaps they don't want to go and can only whisper a quiet titter as they head north to dropped yellow leaves....goodbye leaves..goodbye tawny lawn..goodby droopy poppies..goodbye calm in downward flight....leaves letting go now..brown, brittle leaves crave more than burial....I will lay upon the grass until you make me go glorious descent.....as I am still beautiful even my yellow is lovely to see brassy calls of geese...yes it is time for us to go..we must gather and V our way across the sky sound suprisingly thankful.....we have come to journeys end in this world and must wend our home for now leaving me behind...we cannot let you fly with us as you are mortal and have no wings Pardon me for stepping all over your wonderful haikus. Each one of them speaks to me as the images you paint are so familure, I can see each one from my backyard. Such lovely words in each writing...it is so sad that not everyone can see the glories of nature. But thank God WE can. Blessings...Marilyn

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