This Poem was Submitted By: Regis L Chapman On Date: 2004-11-20 10:07:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Mist

a drop turned to mist so that we may begin and answers may be asked a mist brought by breeze a breeze blew by an ocean it had so long missed to get it's next tasks "Drop the mist into the seas! to rise again on wind and breeze!", so said such Ocean. "Deliver a dew to fallen leaves, and feed the trees in morning time Feed the soul thrice in rhyme... cell cycle circle- Self is the same, One even found in the greening caves!", he spoke with much emotion. "See! sing songs of that soul! the sloshing tide inside of you is Me... Serve with devotion!" self is a ocean, a drop, a mist, a dew rising in freedom from the waves warmed by the sun that saves the breeze is now a mighty wind given such a breath! gathering itself up again, it's headed for the trees... a mist in the morning early resolves as a meaning a drop, a dew so much is seen so known, so few rising in branches curly so high are the trees past, tension, defense all involve a seeming a cash crop anew so much is seen unknown, the few a mist in the eventide sweeps in a cleaning with mop and shampoo surprising in places surly but breath brought brazen breeze hence and no mist now lay about me absolved of a keening now settled in the leaves that bend a drop no longer dew that caress of the seas with tense is now present we may thus end so knowing, I know I knew

Copyright © November 2004 Regis L Chapman

Additional Notes:
This is another in my series of wind/water works. That's just what has been coming out of me lately is thoughts about wind and water. Not sure why. Thanks, REEG!


This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2004-12-01 14:11:44
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.85714
Well it is said that we are born of the ocean. Fact...our body is 93 percent water so maybe you're returning to your roots? and roots are fed by water.Strange huh? Some grammatical errors you may like to resolve: to get it's next tasks...it's says "it is" so it should be "its." so said such Ocean...ocean does not need to be capitalized. Good illiteration...i.e.:brought, brazen, breeze, etc. etc. The sloshing tide within you is me...can that be in reference to you in the womb? All in all a good poem which although, I find a bit choppy and long. Thanks for posting....


This Poem was Critiqued By: James Edward Schanne On Date: 2004-11-22 15:41:03
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
This one moves well, flows off my mental tongue although min the line: self is a ocean, a drop, a mist, a dew I think the a before ocean ougjht to be an I like the progression of the droplets of water, Thanks for letting me read and comment.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Karen Ann Jacobs On Date: 2004-11-20 23:50:53
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.75000
The first half of this poem seemed very different then the second half, so much so, that I would suggest making it two poems. The first half filled me with awe. The second half felt down to earth and not godly like the first half. Maybe I was too swept up by the first half to fully appreciate this as a whole. My favorite image: "self is a ocean, a drop, a mist, a dew rising in freedom from the waves" Would it be better as “an ocean” instead of “a ocean”? I really enjoyed this poem. I hope my feedback has helped a bit. Kay
This Poem was Critiqued By: Robert Wyma On Date: 2004-11-20 17:09:07
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
A delightful journey through metaphor, that provides me with the freedom to ride the waves (sorry for the borrow). I am quite a fan of readers freedom, and the right to "explore" internal issues, and the poetic nuances of your poem certainly gave me full fare. I see cycles of renewal (reincarnation) and spiritual guidance flowing from the sun (as warmth) portrayed here metaphorically. You use aliteration very effectively as a poetic tool, especially in this line: "cell cycle circle- Self is the same, One". You have written and not overwritten in my view, which engages the reader. The only suggestion for improvement I have, is carefull monitoring of the pace of the read, which is controlled by two mediums, punctuation and stanza's. This poem works effectively, but might be more evocative if broken down into smaller stanza's that encourage the reader to stop and reflect and capture the essence of a smaller stanza. With large stanza's as presented here the reader is sometimes pushed to the end, and misses some of the nuances in the chase. Just a thought. Well done. Robert
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