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This Poem was Submitted By: hello haveaniceday On Date: 2005-03-13 17:04:37 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Why and Far

Tell me why and far we seem When others read our every dream Of drifting light and yellow hues Why my eyes strain to see the blues Lay off the glamour of these days And wipe the crumbs inside this maze The cold wind fills my breath to blow A whispered name upon the snow A press of thoughts my meal today A gallant hound to show the way Like dreams of dreams the layers drift I stare so hard foundations shift Is this loose thread an end to snip Or would my world from yours unzip The focus soft and wide the frame I call you call my name your name Tell me why and far we seem When others read another dream Of drifting lives and somber hues How our hearts strain to sing the blues

This Poem was Critiqued By: charles r pitts On Date: 2005-04-05 19:48:10
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 1.00000
i sense true loss here. loss has many faces, many behaviors, and here you have captured one for all to see. an excellent exhibit at the emotional zoo. A whispered name upon the snow- so much longing here in a few words. A press of thoughts my meal today- ive gnawed on this entree before. an empty feast thats always too tough to chew. I call you call my name your name- this is such a revealing line. it shows the depth of devotion and want. How our hearts strain to sing the blues- beautiful nice rhythm- im such a sucker for lyrical poetry charlie

This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-03-30 08:54:36
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.39130
Poet, if a piece were able to sign as it was read this one would.........the rhyme is nicely done allowing for a super read......good structure and word flow ... "How our hearts strain to sing the blues"..you have penned the feelings and emotions very well poet...... "The cold wind fills my breath to blow A whispered name upon the snow", one can actually feel the cold wind as it perhaps hurts ones breath/lungs and at the same time see the name whispered upon the snow.....again, beautifully done..... Thank you for posting and sharing this with us, God Bless, Claire

This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-03-29 18:38:48
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.44828
This piece of writing is so beautifully rhymed, it sings when read, and when I came to your last line I thought "how approperiate a meter" "How our hearts strain to sing the blues"..you have written the feeling down so well..the underlying coldness, indifference "The cold wind fills my breath to blow A whispered name upon the snow", as all the foundations that you know are now being shifted "A press of thoughts my meal today A gallant hound to show the way Like dreams of dreams the layers drift I stare so hard foundations shift"..I know that feeling of being so filled with thought that is is like a meal for the mind..no room for anything else at all, just obsession..and this "Is this loose thread an end to snip Or would my world from yours unzip" what a wonderful image you have created to express the feeling here as well..and I love the way you have written "The focus soft and wide the frame I call you call my name your name" to me this represents the two trying to focus, hang on to..The question in the concluding verse gives a very strong ending to this write, leaving the reader to ponder. "Tell me why and far we seem When others read another dream Of drifting lives and somber hues How our hearts strain to sing the blues" good question indeed. Life and relationships are not easy, that is for sure. Enjoyed this very much, thanks for sharing! Nancy

This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-03-25 21:49:35
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Barbara: This poem is as thrilling a find for me as an unexpected book by a favorite author. I admire this well-crafted work for its structure -- elegant rhyme, metrics and overall presentation. But what really makes me sigh with what I must admit is envy is the originality and complexity of the poem. The unexpected line “I call you call my name your name” completely bowled me over. How I wish I had written it. I’d probably not be so bold as to leave off punctuation as you have, but that’s what makes the line so effective, IMO. I had to read it several times, and finally I felt as if I owned it, so to speak. I felt as if you were in my head and I in yours. Your point, if I have it correctly! If not, I have still enjoyed a new experience. It seems to me that this poem aptly addresses differences in perception. While I am rereading parts of it again, every few words or so as I write this, still other things continue emerge. Tell me why and far we seem When others read our every dream Of drifting light and yellow hues Why my eyes strain to see the blues You raise the idea, for this reader at least, of the differences in color perception. What, after all, is ‘yellow’ and what is ‘blue’? Do we each see a color that we can identify consistently, but perhaps a *different* color than another? What is our inner wiring? What makes one artist great – is it a subtle difference in perception that emerges in the work? I am thinking of the work of Frida Kahlo, for example. Then, you’ve used the phrase “the blues” and that reference elicits music for me. The idea of synesthesia, or the ability to see sound and hear color is another sample of the complexity of ideas which layer this fascinating poem. ”The cold wind fills my breath to blow A whispered name upon the snow” This is the kind of writing which gives me chills. Your image of the speaker, perhaps as the North Wind, blowing fiercely as a “whispered name” formed of frost crystals slowly floats “upon the snow” simply raises goose bumps. You’ve used sound so effectively with the yielding w’s in “wind/blow/whispered/show” and plosive b's, especially “breath/blow” for example. ”Like dreams of dreams the layers drift – WONDERFUL! I stare so hard foundations shift” Again, you alter a reader’s perception by calling attention to subtle currents of thought. Is this loose thread an end to snip Or would my world from yours unzip The focus soft and wide the frame I call you call my name your name A writer’s poem, I’d call this. I want to immerse myself in this one, again and again. I’m so glad that you didn’t ‘snip’ this, so that the connection of the writer’s thought and reader’s imagination remains intact. Sometimes, a poem that I really enjoy seems to have a quality I can only describe as ‘inevitable’ – as if it had a sort of pre-existence, if you will. Of course it couldn't but is an 'aha' experience for me. Tell me why and far we seem When others read another dream Of drifting lives and somber hues How our hearts strain to sing the blues The final line ties in beautifully with S1, L3’s ‘visual’ blues! The way you’ve altered the traditional use of language in “why and far we seem” opens new neural pathways or connects synapses in my head. I can’t tell you “why and far we seem” but as someone who strives to both understand “another dream” and write of my own “somber hues” I truly value the way you have named what we do or attempt to accomplish within our poetry. I may not be making sense, but at least you’ll know that you have an appreciative reader and a new fan. Amazing! Best wishes, Joanne

This Poem was Critiqued By: Lennard J. McIntosh On Date: 2005-03-20 21:45:13
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 10.00000
Re: “Why and Far” I’ve read that poetry written in rhyme constitutes about 5% of today's poetry . This reminds us that it is still written, and can be written well, as this author demonstrates in an “aa bb” rhyme scheme. It moves the piece along at a lively pace, as can be seen in the first stanza shown below. “Tell me why and far we seem When others read our every dream Of drifting light and yellow hues Why my eyes strain to see the blues. *** The contents have captured this reader instantly. It has me wanting to know more. “A press of thoughts my meal today A gallant hound to show the way Like dreams of dreams the layers drift I stare so hard foundations shift” *** My, my, the metaphor is rich and intriguing. I don’t know the meaning, but then, isn’t that part of poetry’s intrigue? Incidentally, the imagery is a delight. “ … Or would my world from yours unzip … I call you call my name your name …” *** Here may be a clue to a relationship drawing distant? Perhaps the relationship is strained while, “…others read another dream ...” Or, perhaps the reader will never know. It doesn’t matter. What does matter is whether a poem is enjoyed. And this one receives high marks. It is gripping, and the author displays noted a skill with words. Additionally, the title is thought provoking; it arouses curiosity. This is poetry, well done! Thank you for posting. Len

This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-03-15 12:42:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.88889
Hi Barbara, This piece is written without punctuation and often when a poem is written that way it is difficult to read as you don't know where the breaks are and it becomes confused. Having said that you have accomplished a lot with this piece. The rhyming is delicious and the lines even and easy to read... not forced for the sake of the rhyme and not in need of punctuation...bravo! Your word choices are amazing.. ...'of drifting light and yellow hues...why my eyes strain to see the blues' I think the 4th stanza is my favorite...even tho I am in love with the entire piece. 'Is this loose thread an end to snip (I am taken with this line and concept) or would my world from yours unzip..the focus soft and wide the frame... I call you call my name your name'...such a musical tempo I get when reading this. I do feel some pathos here...a lonliness that I can't explain and longing, as well. To me I get the sense that the poet writes about a relationship that everyone thinks is perfect but in reality it is not...I could be way off base and if I am please forgive me...but these feelings persist in my head every time I read your words. This poem is very well written and has a certain mystry to it that is very intriguing...a compelling read! Blessings....Marilyn

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