This Poem was Submitted By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-11 14:10:19 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Moon Dancing MOON DANCING
I hunger for the sweetness of your wine tinted lips
Intoxicated with every inch of your gentleness
To devour the moments we have spent together
While dancing in the wind
As the thunder strikes deep within
Our love over flows
Which is reflected by the glow in your eyes.
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Copyright © April 2005 Helen C DOWNEY
This Poem was Critiqued By: arnie s WACHMAN On Date: 2005-05-05 08:47:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.75000
Dancing in the wind huh? There's lots of that around here...wind that is. I like that line "As
the thunder strikes..." It has a certain resonance and meaning to it...like you heart is about
to pop out of your chest its beating so hard. The only correction I can suggest is the
last line. It's too wordy. Try lopping off the first two words...just a suggestion.
This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-04-30 21:33:40
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.63636
Hi Helen,
I don't believe that I've read or commented on any of your poetry. This is a beautiful poem and after just returning from a very romantic vacation with my beloved, poetry such as this catches my eye.
What an invitation. The "hunger", the "sweetness", the "wine tinted lips" - intoxicating. The idea of this love feast between two so giving and receiving is utterly romantic. To "devour the moments" of a gentle time of love. Excellent support of the metaphor.
The dance after the dinner, so to speak. So light, as wind, in the wind. The closeness before the "thunder" that strikes when all the emotions are aligned perfectly for this most deep sharing experience. When "love over flows". When it can no longer be contained so great it is. And you end the poem perfectly with both the reflection of the love and the confirmation of love. Very nice.
Very beautiful, honest, heartfelt writing. I am partial to poems such as these and rarely miss the opportunity to support them with positive feedback. A friend once asked why I enjoyed love poems and I told him that in today's world we have to appreciate love where we can find it.
You have my applause!
Well met,
Troy
This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-27 13:37:56
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 6.00000
This poem captures all the romance and passion a single moment can offer. Beautiful!
One possible change (and no offense taken if disregarded)would be to take out 'as the' in the 5th, and 'which is' in the last line. I think it would let your final thoughts stand out and cut into the readers pssion a little more.
Thank you again,
Audrey
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-14 18:33:54
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.37500
Hi Helen,
I love to dance and doing it under a moon can be delicious...just as this poem is delicious. It is terse
but renders a lovely image to this reader....'I hunger for the sweetness of your wine tinted lips'...this
is a tender and loving line and one that urges the reader to continue...'intoxicated with every inch of
your gentleness'...very sensual..certainly a mood lifting statement...'to devour the moments we have spent
together'...I lost my husband some years ago and I have found myself wanting to 'devour' the thoughts and
memories of him. Somtimes I can't see his face and that is extremely sad to me....'while dancing in the
wind as (the) thunder strikes deep within'...very beautiful...to me even the thunder striking has a soft
sound...'our love over flows (overflows) which is reflected by the glow in your eyes'...yes..the eyes always reflect the soul and are a dead give-away of the emotions that lie deep inside, even if we don't want
to be discovered! Very well done....I enjoyed every word.
Blessings....Marilyn
This Poem was Critiqued By: Tony P Spicuglia On Date: 2005-04-12 13:53:29
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Helen, this a passionate piece that engrosses the reader, and draws the eyes to take in more of the feelings. I enjoyed this piece. I like the format, the indentations and almost sickle moon shape matches the theme.
MOON DANCING - Two of my favorite things, moon rising, and dancing beneath it.
I hunger for the sweetness of your wine tinted lips – Such a sweet/passionate beginning to this verse. It immediately takes the reader to the most poignant moments love has provided. Excellent.
Intoxicated with every inch of your gentleness – This is a nice contrasting line, normally “gentleness” does not equal “Intoxicating”, but in this line you convince us that the touch of a considerate paramour, is as exciting as the passion.
(To - change to "I") devour the moments we have spent together – (You have a tense change in this line. I am suggesting a change that will fix the tense/subject needs.) I can feel the intensity of the moment, “devouring” is such a personal affection, a sharing that enters the soul as well as the eyes, and other “well meant” diversions.
While dancing in the wind – Truly for me, breezes make me feel alive, this is a powerful line for my thoughts, and I can see the moon hovering above.
As the thunder strikes deep within – Once again, we see the impact of the personal “devouring”, that the storms within rage, and thunder makes the heart quake, and love is afoot.
Our love over flows (overflows) – It is the mystery that calls me to love time and again, that as intimacy breaks the interference, love itself “devours” the lovers in an aura of fulfillment, or “overfillment”.
Which is reflected by the glow in your eyes. – AH, the eyes, nothing like eyes for me, they allow, permit, transmit the soul, copy the light of the heavens and grants love in return. Beautiful thought.
Helen, this is a fine poem. I am glad I got to share in it with you.
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