This Poem was Submitted By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-11 14:28:47 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!

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Cracked Plaster

                                  Cracked Plaster                   The steam rose towards the cracked plaster on the ceiling                   Bubbles grew vehemently as the candles flickered                    Flames of love shadowed around the room.                   Sinking into the warm silky lake I began to dream.                   The sweetness of your breath was near                   So undeniable, the tenderness of your touch                   Upon my face, then slipping slowly down my curves                   To rest you hand upon the mounds                   The sheets were tangled among us                   Pillows on the floor                   Our lips searched our universes                   Opening up heavens door                   The steam rose toward the cracked plaster on the ceiling                   A golden glow surrounded the room and entered my heart                   Cozy and relaxed I picked up my glass of wine                   And as I lifted my glass toasting you...                                 I felt you nuzzle me from behind. 
Copyright © April 2005 Helen C DOWNEY

This Poem was Critiqued By: Troy D Skroch On Date: 2005-05-02 19:44:14
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.53846
Helen, I was out and about this evening and spotted this poem. I will keep my comments brief, because I don't know whether or not I should even be in this room. =] Seriously, and poetically speaking, this is very sensual. The excitement of the moments you describe is undeniably communicated. I did have some difficulty with the word "vehemently", but that's the only word that gave me pause. I make no suggestions, because I don't believe in giving words to a poet, not that I would change it. I just thought I would let you know that for this reader it didn't read smoothly. These lines in the first stanza are so relaxing. flickered Flames of love shadowed around the room. Sinking into the warm silky lake I began to dream. I really like the "flickered flames of love" and the way you describe the bath. The body of the poem works very well and I don't think I need to go into detail. It is a vivid dream. The last lines are such a nice surprise. And as I lifted my glass toasting you... I felt you nuzzle me from behind. Lastly the title reminds of an old fashion bed and breakfast. It just has a romantic feel to it. Perhaps, it has some sort of symbolic meaning to the poem as well, I don't know. Overall, a perfect way to end the day. And I think that from your last response you indicated that you put in some long hours. LOL! Been there and am still there. Thanks for sharing, Troy

This Poem was Critiqued By: Mell W. Morris On Date: 2005-04-30 11:05:22
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.72222
Helen, Interesting title and this reader is titilated about where and what happened. The bathtub scene done quite well and romantic I would not want a torrid love scene here as it moves the story along in her dream sequence I think the subtle touch in your writing leaves more to the readers' imaginations. Stanza 2 details aspects such as tender touches, slipping slowly around her face, resting his hands on pleasureable places. You deftly handle this topic but in a conversatonal manner. (Helen, My computadora is acting up; I hope this does not look as bad on the page as it does here!) This is free verse with unforced meter as you detail the "crime scene": tangled sheets and "unfound evidence" against him. Albeit you are not maintaining a Bosco who might split, go off with a pretty face any day. This woman as presented here is no Bosco. Your bring us full circle at the end of the poem...steam rising to the cracked plaster. Sorry my machine malfunctioned but I enjoyed every word...a unique look at romantic activity with words of probity and refinement. GOOD WORK. In case no one has told you, don;t submit all at once but sprinkle them at random. This is going to blow your mind but the only score given is 10. Take care, Best wishes, Mell
This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-27 17:43:51
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 7.80000
This piece unearths the longing in my heart to be held again - the need to be loved and belong in another's arms. Painfully hopeful for this reader. One suggestion would be to change 'searched our universes' to 'searched the universe'(only for flow purposes)and maybe 'relaxed' into something like 'entranced'. Again, celebrated as is. Audrey
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-04-11 23:49:12
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
A lovely poem about love .....the joys and passions shared as they explore the mystery of each other.... Flames of love shadowed around the room..what images are projected from this line alone.....the flames of love, indeed, warn, radiant, ...slipping slowly down my curves to rest you (perhaps it should be your) hand upon the mounds...sensual indeed poet....well done.....our lips searched our universes opening up heaven's door .....Perhaps the magic lies in ...a golden glow surrounded the room and entered my heart..soft and beautiful line. Good structure, lovely word flow and images, emotions, feelings, fill the entire piece. Thank you for posting and sharing......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-11 18:08:21
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.50000
Hi Helen, I just answered your critique of one of my poems and said I hoped to read on of yours soon...and here you are! This is a lovely poem about two people in love and shutting out the rest of the world as they revel in the mystry of each other....'Flames of love shadowed around the room'...love this line..'sinking into the warm silky lake I began to dream'..delicious...'slipping slowly down my curves to rest you (your) hand upon the mounds'...sensual...not sure why you made mounds plural but no matter the intent is the same and does not detract from the line....'our lips searched our universes opening up heaven's door' you could drop 'up' in this line but that is just me! If I had to choose a favorite line it would be... ...'a golden glow surrounded the room and entered my heart'..what a soft and beautiful line this is. You have written this piece with verry little punctuation and it works very well...I never felt lost in the words or didn't know where to take a breath...not everyone can accomplish this but you have as the lines flow into one another without being forced. Thanks for posting this one I did enjoy it! Blessings....Marilyn
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