This Poem was Submitted By: Helen C DOWNEY On Date: 2005-04-17 11:08:04 . . . Click Here To Mail this Poem to a Friend!To Listen to Music While Reading this Poem, just Click Here!
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Fog Removal The pain always crushing against temporal walls,
Years wasted on remedies.
Time lost in a dark closet
Tears can not relieve the pressure.
A hardy oak grows in the front yard
No one notices how it spreads its' limbs
Gathering strength from the energy from above.
No one observes how alone it is.
Attempting to ease the throbbing
Forward and up
Travels begin
Remembering has begun.
The removal of the worm nest
New sprouting of buds
The might oak reaches further up,
Leaves, larger and whole.
Cob webs now brushed away
The pain has gone
A rusted old door opened
The fog has drifted.
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Copyright © April 2005 Helen C DOWNEY
This Poem was Critiqued By: Audrey R Donegan On Date: 2005-04-30 19:10:17
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.15789
I really like this piece, so raw with emotion.
typos: 'mighty oak' in the 4th stanza and 'began'in the 3rd stanza.
(although I might encourage you to use something other than began
since you use begin in the line right before it, maybe something like commence.
Also maybe 'gathering strength and energy form above'.
Anyway love the last line.
Audrey
This Poem was Critiqued By: Claire H. Currier On Date: 2005-04-26 07:06:57
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.25806
Fog Removal.......Good title Poet with strong word pull..........Fog could mean more then the clouding of one's sight due to weather conditions outside of the safety of the home...........in this case I feel it is associated with the roads travelled in someone's life.......time lost, tears/pressure....dark closet......how frightening a picture to find one in.........indeed fog clouded over and over again......
the lines and stanza's to follow bring this reader at the opening of the door which will allow for the fog to leave the area, allowing this mighty oak once cleared of its captive ways, is free to grow, spread its limbs as they say and travel a new path in life.....to become strong not only in your stature but in your feelings, emotions and ability to care for yourself........a rusted old door has opened......interesting thought as the fog has drifted.........allowing the person to rid him or herself of the pain associated with whatever it was that held them captive all that time in a state of fog......have we not all been there at some time to some degree and do we not cry tears of gladness when we too are able to see past that fog......life is a journey we travel each day...........thank you for posting, allowing this reader to partake in this reading. Good structure, word flow and emotionally packed along with images.......God Bless, Claire
This Poem was Critiqued By: marilyn terwilleger On Date: 2005-04-25 16:01:33
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.51724
Hi Helen
In the last several days I have read this poem again and again as it intrigues me. I think that making
or thinking of it as a poem about a tree is too easy. So I must think of fog removal as it refers to
a person...a person with a fading memory, head pain, illness, frustration and depression...all symptoms
of a devastating illness. An illness that has denied a cure even though there have been many
attempts...'years wasted in remedies, time lost in a dark closet (what could be more sad than this) tears
cannot relieve the pressure.' I think the hardy tree is a metaphore for the illness...and now it has
begun to spread it's limbs..branching out beyond the illness but no one notices because it is not
expected. The healing begins as the upward thrust begins much like a person suffering from depression and
finally decides to take charge of their disease and forge ahead...memory is restored..the throbbing stops.
'the removal of the worms' nest, now sprouting of new buds'...the bad stuff (poetic don't you think LOL)
is fading away and a new life appears. Reaching high a feeling of wholeness arises...now the cob webs
are gone..the pain is gone...and the door opens as the fog fades. This is a piece of writing that can
be taken more than one way but I like to dig inside the lines and see what is really there....a tree?
Or depression or physical illness? Very well done and if I have completely fractured your intent here
please tell me so, however this is what your words say to me. Wonderful!!!! Bravo!!
Blessings...mt
This Poem was Critiqued By: Joanne M Uppendahl On Date: 2005-04-20 13:58:09
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 9.68750
Dear Helen:
Title: Fog Removal
I have the sense that the first poem I read and this one might form companion pieces
in a collection. There is a shared them of fog and mist, a sense of things which are
mourned yet of an easing of the sense of loss, perhaps recovery from wounds of
the past. I can only imagine “fog removal” as achievement of clarity after
confounding, confusing events. We can sometimes not see our way clear to
understand what is occurring at the time it happens, but only later, with
the passage of time gain our bearings, you seem to be showing us here.
The pain always crushing against temporal walls,
Years wasted on remedies.
Time lost in a dark closet
Tears can not relieve the pressure.
The yielding consonants of w and y in “walls/years/wasted” suggest surrender to
what has been lost over the years whilst one struggled for “remedies” of one
kind or another. There are many plosive t’s which suggest energy expended with
small bursts of sound, as in “temporal/time/tears” et al. The “dark closet” echoes
for me the previous poem’s ships passing at dawn (the release of darkness)
as we can assume that the speaker has emerged from the confines of the closet.
The sense of transformation is very strong in this poem. But not before
a ‘chrysalis’ period has been endured, in which all hope seems smothered,
efforts wasted “on remedies” of various kinds.
A hardy oak grows in the front yard
No one notices how it spreads its' limbs
Gathering strength from the energy from above.
No one observes how alone it is.
In the meantime, the strong inner core, the “hardy oak” of the speaker has been growing unobserved,
as “no one notices” how it has “spread its limbs” and gathered strength “from the energy above.”
The “front yard” is a place which is usually visible to the outside world, as compared to the
closet. The suggestion is given that this growth occurred in the presence of those who would have
kept the speaker confined to the dark closet, but she (or he) grewstrong with spiritual help and
protection.
Attempting to ease the throbbing
Forward and up
Travels begin
Remembering has begun.
This may allude to traumatic events, because “remembering has begun” and I am aware that
often when things are unbearably painful they are not easily brought to consciousness, much
as mothers are said to forget the pain of childbirth until the next delivery. The mind has its
ways of protecting us from overload or disintegration – one of these protections is forgetting.
When healing and safety are sufficient, remembering begins, I think you show us here.
The removal of the worm nest
New sprouting of buds
The might oak reaches further up,
Leaves, larger and whole.
“worm nest” has a sinister implication. There are varieties of worms – some helpful, as
they aerate the soil, some harmful, as they can cause the death of the organism which
they invade and consume. There are maggots, and there are caterpillars! The energetic
“new sprouting of buds” suggests life that now flourishes, as the oak “reaches further up”
and the tree (person) regains wholeness and health.
Cob webs now brushed away
The pain has gone
A rusted old door opened
The fog has drifted.
Three metaphors for confusing past experiences are in the last stanza: cobwebs,
a rusted door and fog. The first is brushed away, the second has been opened, and
the last has “drifted” away. There is finality about the triple implication of these
allusions – three is a number associated with the ‘three-in-one’ or trinity of divine
beings, but also, body, mind and spirit, and also the saying, “The third time’s a
charm.” As noted previously, there are many open ‘o’ sounds in this last
strophe, this time giving a sense of openness to new experience and healing.
Again, I’ve really enjoyed lingering with your poem, enjoying the sense of
growth and aliveness that I sensed when reading it, and your facility
with language. Thank you for the privilege of commenting!
Best wishes,
Joanne
This Poem was Critiqued By: Nancy Ann Hemsworth On Date: 2005-04-20 09:37:05
Critiquer Rating During Critique: 8.33333
I enjoyed your poem very much, very strong and vivid images throughout the piece. You use of metaphor is wonderfully applied and brings everything to life within your lines. It is true that all notices when things are wrong but when one tries to heal and goes along lifes paths one seems to go alone spiritually at least. I rreally enjoyed how you showed this progression ending in the re-birth and new beginnings in your last stanza. thanks for sharing your talents. nancy
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